6 months on from losing my husband and I fill I am simply going through the motions.
So, I’m trying to move forward. Not because I want to but because I feel it’s what’s expected of me. I rarely cry in front of anyone anymore, the tears flow plenty when I’m on my own. I get up every day and walk my dog, do my shopping, care for the house ……… I call it that as it’s not felt like a home since losing Martin ……… tend to the garden and hold down a small job. But, I feel I am doing it with only half of my body and mind functioning. It’s as though I am walking through a shrunken world where I don’t look beyond the blinkers I feel I am wearing. My heart pumps away, but I make sure it does just that and I stop it feeling anything …. No joy …… no pain. Every breath feels very shallow as though I’m just allowing it to do the bare minimum to survive. I’m not sure if I live like this because it’s all I can manage, if I feel guilty that I’m still here and my husband isn’t or if I’m hoping it will bring be closer to being with Martin.
I’m sure this isn’t healthy for the body …… but do j really care?? Maybe it’s intentional.
What I do know is that at the moment life is exhausting, sad, pointless and seems to stretch ahead of me in a dispersing manner.
Then I feel guilty because my husband would love to still be here.
What’s the answer? Anybody?? ………
Hi Dee
Same, gping tbrough the motions teyibg
Hi Dee
Same here. Just still breathing because it’s what’s expected but I died when my husband died. I get no joy from anything. All I feel is guilt that I could have done something differently and maybe he’d still be here and anger at the nhs that let him down. We were like 2 halves of one person. I’m only half a person now. Life seems pointless and lonely.
Jen xx
Same here - going through the motions of an existence. I know he’d want me to be happy but that just seems an impossibility now.
Hi Dee - sorry you are feeling so low. I can totally relate to what you have said, life now is just an existence with not a great deal of point,. Like you I clean the house, do a job working from home and the only people I see is my kids. These are the only people I can talk about my hubby to, if I raise his name with anyone else, including family the conversation is shut down. I haven’t heard from any of my hubby’s family since the funeral. It’s hard. I just think it can’t get worse, it must get better, and I can say it has over the past 10 months. It’s the loneliness and plans that are now gone. Keep posting on here, it has helped me a lot. If you want to PM me please do, it’s a hard journey we are all on. X