I am going through a very strange phase at the moment. I simply do not want to do anything. Everything seems like too much effort. I suppose I would describe it as sheer apathy. It’s been 8 months since my darling Dad died. I feel as I’m getting worse.
I had a real meltdown the other day after finally forcing myself to go out and plant some seeds on my vegetable patch. I was fighting it the whole time, didn’t want to do it (despite having enjoyed growing veg last year) and I ended up going in the house after about ten minutes and breaking down. I can’t understand why I don’t want to do such things.
Then came assembling some garden furniture (which I’ve wanted for ages!). I kept on putting it off, finally assembled it and now I feel like I don’t even want to sit outside.
I joined the gym last week and have committed my money to a personal trainer for a month, I feel like this was a stupid move. I wonder if I’ll even attend a session!
I don’t want a job, I don’t want to do voluntary work, I don’t want to go a walk. I hate cleaning my house. I am a real misery arse.
I am very fortunate that my husband is supporting me, however he works away 6-8 weeks at a time and I find myself counting down the days until he’s back. We have come to blows about him working away but the situation will not change, as much as I want it to. I have no friends in my town and no desire to go out and meet people. I used to love going skating, cycling, even walking… now, just don’t want to do it. Maybe it’s that I just don’t want to go alone.
I feel like I’m in a deep hole right now. I know I need to get some structure in my life for my own sanity but it’s just not happening.
Sorry this is quite a miserable post. Just wondering if anyone else feels like this, and is there anything that helps? Is it just a question of being kind and patient to myself? Sometimes I find a very small window when I feel motivated, like this morning I did some washing. But as the day goes on it wanes.
My counsellor says it’s “not about not doing anything” but doing little things and progressing and being patient. I feel bad that I can’t even do little things.
Sending love to everyone xxx