Does anyone identify with me

I’m sitting here after losing my 60 year old wife after 39 years. She was my life and accepting of my bisexuality. She died in December 5 days before Christmas. It was unexpected. I hardly ever drunk alcohol but now drink a bottle of scotch per day as a way to stifle my tears. Does anyone out there identify with me?


I think there’ll be few @Graham1958 that don’t empathise with your situation, by degrees, we’re all in the same boat, although for some the journey has just started, for others, it must seem never ending.
I lost my childhood sweetheart, lover, best friend and wife of forty nine years, it’s hard, very hard.
I’ve never been a heavy drinker, although as an ex rugby player I’ve enjoyed more than was good for me and amongst those I once counted as friends and team mates there are a number who paid the price for what became almost an addiction.
I get it dulls the pain of loss, loneliness, the sadness and the guilt but It’s not the long term answer Graham and I think you know that.
Counselling doesn’t work for everyone and sometimes it’s a question of finding the right counsellor for you. Would you be willing to try it?
There is support, although it often takes a bit of seeking out, I’ve found it through recommendations from this group, both Cruse and Way Up are worth investigating.
I wish you all the best Graham.


Hi @Graham1958
I’m so sorry you are on this journey too.
I think we can all identify with the desire to numb everything and I hope you don’t feel any judgement in the responses.
My own experience is that nothing is going to stifle the tears or the pain and I am only guessing from your post that you’re finding that too.
There are a lot of trite lines out there about grief but one that really rings true is the level of the pain equates to the level of the love you had. That, in all the absolute abyss, gives me some comfort. It shouldn’t be easy because I have been so damn lucky until I lost Martin.
Everyone has a different way of getting through each minute or even second. But please cry.
Take care of yourself and keep reaching out. X


Sending love and support, which I know isn’t much but it’s all I can.
Tears are love with nowhere to go so don’t deny them or try to hold them back. I feel so strongly that being embarrassed to cry, which was put upon so many people, particularly in the past, is still causing no end of problems.

As @Stillhiswife says, the depth of grief matches the love we had, which is why so many of us on here should be grateful for that level of love, which many people never experience.

I have no experience of alcohol helping or hindering grief but certainly know it will harm health. The grief will still be there for you to live through I feel sure and sadly we cannot get away from it. The only way I have found to have a short break is to be busy with various jobs I have to do to look after the things which mattered to my darling husband. Yes, the tears will still come later that day, or another day but that’s ok.

Karen xxx