I’m 3 months on from losing my mum. Everyone thought I would go to pieces and I just didn’t. But the last 3 weeks I’ve been useless. I don’t feel like I’m sad about mum though. I talk about her all the time and mostly with the upmost happiness, in fact I’m probably happiest when I’m talking about her but I just have this endless feeling of sadness lingering over me. I feel like I’m walking around in a daze with a mask on for the rest of the world to see me just carrying on. I get home and the mask drops and my poor husband just has to deal with this empty shell. I cry and I don’t know why. The slightest thing drives me insane. I feel like no one needs me anymore and I’m losing myself. I’m searching around for something to give me a purpose and I just can’t find anything that helps because looking after mum was hard, really hard but I loved her so much I just kept going. I’m flitting from 1 thing to another to look forward to as it’s the only way I can get through the days. As time passes I feel its more and more of a blur. I just want a day when I can just be me out from under this cloud.
My mum was like my best friend, I lost her 4 year’s ago. I don’t think I will ever be the same again, as life is very different now. I have worked on my well being and been kind to myself and I am now feeling able to cope. I can laugh and smile again, I still miss her and I suspect always will, but I am moving through the tragedy. Everyone told me it would take a year, I felt I had not moved forward at all in a year and it felt raw for me too.