I lost my partner a year ago this month and things still seem as raw now as what they were then, is it ever going to get any easier!!?
I think you will get a whole range of answers to that question. For me I think the answer is yes. I knew my wife was dying for 4 years so when she died in August I had served a period of notice. I think it probably does get easier for everyone but we all have different secondary problems and that will makes things very different from person to person. Itās very difficult to make comparisons over a year but I suppose it depends how much pain you felt a year ago. Like I said I think you will get very different answers.
Dear Laura18, itās a good question and as Yorkshirelad says, everyone is different.
My friend lost her true love 4 years ago and is finding life very hard still. She thinks itās because she is older(early70s), but I am only 51 and my journey began very recently and I canāt imagine ever being the same person I was before. My life and all those who lose their partners lives will be forever changed. Really the life you had before has ended more than changed and people have said to me you have to think on it as a different, new life. I know three other people who lost their true loves and have all found a new life so I have hope. I have no answers for you really as itās a question I also ask but I feel different every day and some of the more destructive feelings have lessened. Would it help you to think about some of the positive things you have achieved this last year ? Even tiny steps? Iāve had to do things in the last year I no idea about and never dreamed I would have been capable of and continue to try to do new things ( boring stuff like sorting bills, cars stuff, etc) that my husband used to do as well as speaking at his funeral and sorting everything out.
You are stronger than you think and we are here to listen. If you read the posts you may find comfort as I do. I wish you peace. X
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Thank you, I have two beautiful little girls that keep me going but sometimes it does feel like 2 steps forward and 10 back! Forever searching for an answer as to why. Life feels very unfair. Take care xx
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Itās hard to accept that some questions just donāt have answers. During my wifeās illness she never asked āwhy me?ā and I admit to pondering that many times. Itās difficult to accept that we have lost so much and others havenāt, but I would never wish loss on anyone else. However we know that everyone will be similarly touched one day.
From my experience, which isnāt very long, I think that itās very difficult to avoid taking the steps back and we just have to learn to accommodate the fact it will. My wifeās cousin has grieved for her husband for over 30 years and she still cries over him. He died of the same type of brain tumour as my wife and it brought it all back in a big way. I think the death of my wife affected her children as well and they were all young children when their father died.
Maybe grief just becomes part of us and shapes our future. Iāve lost my mother, Wife and favourite aunt in a short timeā¦three women that I relied on to be there for me and I know life can never be as good again but Iām going to live it the best I can. I hope you can get lots of comfort from your children, I do from mine.
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Iāve just remember a great quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln
" The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time".
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Thatās exactly how I feelā¦2 steps forward then 10 backā¦Itās not niceā¦
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Hello Laura 18ā¦I accassionally do beginners yoga on YouTube for just 20 minsā¦And then when watching tv do some deep breathing exercisesā¦Just thought it might helpā¦ Best wishesā¦
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Hi. I am struggling after 4 months to find a way forward. X
Thank you xx
I would like to say it gets easier and give you some hope but I still havenāt found that to be true, just concentrate on the things you have that are important and put any energy into that, I have a 6 month old baby who will never get to meet her daddy some days she does things that make my heart melt but itās taken over by the sadness that one day she will learn that she will never have her dad. Best wishes to you stay strong xx
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Hi Laura. So sorry about your baby. Itās hard to get past the sadness at the moment I find. X
Hello Lilypetal
Itās 11 months since my husband passed,and i still have that sadness,the tears donāt flow as much as they did,however i always feel they could easily resurface depending on where i am or what i am doing.I donāt feel that it has eased much,some days i can be stronger and smile,so as others have mentioned,itās forward little steps,and back little steps.I think in my opinion Lilypetal,itās finding some comfort in each day,whether thatās a walk or cuppa or reading a book that gives you some slight relief if only for a short while.Iām not good with distraction as i still have my hubby on my mind,when iām trying to be distracted so ivāe given up doing things for the sake of it,just to keep busy as it doesnāt work for me.Some times i just want to sit and think things out,other times i feel like sorting the pots and plants in the yard out ,so i do things when i feel i can,i donāt really push myself into it,everybodyās different and different things work for some.Itās a slow journey and i think as it goes on hopefully the days will be filled with more smiles and interest,without having to distract ourselves,it will happen naturally.Take care xx
I think we just accept we will always carry that sadness and it will shape who we are.
I can think of several people I know that have been shaped by sadness and they have each found a way to live forward. We are the product of our experiences and it is difficult to diminish that. As I read somewhere recentlyā¦ We are all in the process of becoming. We donāt stand still.
Hi. Thanks robin. I still have more bad days than good. Canāt seem to move forward. 5 months and nothing can comfort me. Thinking of the good times upsets me, photos upset me, canāt find any comfort anywhere. I have been for a couple of walks on my own and my family have been very good. Just canāt believe I am worse now than before. I will be Glad when the warmer weather comes and can get in the garden. Thanks. Hope you are ok. Xx
My darling left me 19th February last year. Itās so difficult.
Hi Lilypetal
Iām pleased you have good family support.I understand it is very hard to find things to give comfort,when all we really can think about is the one we love.I wouldnāt be too concerned about feeling worse now than before,i did the same,got to around 5/6 months since my husband passed and found a deep overwhelming weight of sadness back again.Iām at 11 months now and cannot say itās easier ,just managing to keep my mood a little higher these past few weeks.I think iām trying to keep my thoughts in a better place as often as i can,but i have days where little helps and concentration lacks,these are my days when i stare ,think,stare out of the window some more,and realise later in the day that ivāe done very little.I live one day at a time,thatās how it works for me,I do smile more now,but i understand the tears could flow whenever,as grief just doesnāt like to let you out of itās sight for too long.
Yes the sunshine and lighter evenings ,seems to help,i like to sit and have a cuppa out on the chair,and watch the birds,while playing my classic fm.
Yes these winter evenings are long, like yourself I will be glad to see them pass.Take care xx
I mirror your comments, Lilypetal.
5 months (and 5 days), finding memories of the many good times very painful as I know Iāll never experience anything like that again.
Family doing what they can, but have their own lives to be getting on with.
Feeling worse by the day.
I was looking forward to the longer days. Today was clear and sunny, and I went for our afternoon/evening walk a bit earlier. It was like an early spring day, we were in an isolated part of the Plain, and I got back to the dogmobile about ten minutes after sunset. It didnāt really help - just as those memories of good times had an opposite effect, so this pseudo-Spring day just made me miss the happy, sunny days of yore.
Hi Laura18
I lost my husband Keith 10 months ago and some days are easier than others.
Today being Valentineās Day is a less easier day, as we always gave each other a card and a token sort of present, so this is another first of things to deal with through the first year.
As others have put ābeing in a fog and then a mistā and writing in a journal etc I can associate with totally. I talk to Keithās photo all the time as if he were still here, to me he still is. I tell him bye when going to work and hello when Iām home.
At the moment I feel a bit numb and in limbo. Probably not the best way of describing it. I donāt know if itās just another phase you have to get through or if itās because Iām off work for a week using up my annual leave, on my own but I know Iāll get through it again, as with everything we all now have to deal with.
There are things I am happy about having accomplished since Keith has been gone - finishing our back garden revamp, getting someone in to do it that is. The gardens still need to be tidied and work to be done through the year which Iāve done on my own now.
As Iāve said before, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through each day the best way I can. The worst thing ever has happened to us all, it can only get easier in time is what I tell myself.
Sending you much love
Dolly Dimple xx
Itās such a hard question to answer. I lost my mum 4 years ago today and Iām still riddled with heart break and grief. For me personally itās worse now. I have 2 young daughter and also my younger brother and my dad that Iāve rallied around forā¦ and bang recently itās hut me like a ton of bricks that sheās not actually here anymore. I canāt sleep and just feel dreadful. Itās so hard because everyone thinks after 4 years Iām fine. Iām really not. Thatās why Iāve tecently joined this group. I just donāt see how Iām ever going to cope without her xxx