It’s now 26 months since Penny died after 50 years of marriage.
I woke up this morning, feeling as if my new life was far better than I could ever have imagined at the start of my bereavement.
Today, I’m making my debut with about 50 new pals, in a concert ( surprisingly, people are actually paying to hear us!!). I got to reflecting “how have I done this?”
I remember people telling me to keep busy, so I have no time to think. I actually rejected this as a strategy, I decided to face what happened squarely in the face, crying with grief whenever I wanted. If I had decided to be busy all the time (distracted) the grief would still be there, and is never resolved.
Along with this, I decided how I wanted my new life to be, and developed a plan to get to it. I’m now living my new life, Penny is still with me in my thoughts, and I’m happy again.
I mention the distraction thing, because by accident I stumbled across this article, which explains it far better than I can.
I know what you mean, and I agree with you. If only everything had a label though. What is a distraction and what is facing your grief? Is mowing the lawn, learning to play the guitar, cooking a meal, a distraction? Or is that getting on with life?
Some things can be both. I know that I need to keep the house clean, cook and do the laundry because I have to take care of my daughter, so I am always busy. But I cry a lot too, when she is not here.
I need flash cards that say ‘distraction’ and ‘wallow’, or traffic lights. I write a journal, and letters to my husband. I would like to know that I am facing my grief, but I don’t really know what that means?
Good to know you woke feeling better. And good luck with the concert. It’s lovely to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Xx
Hi @Willow112 . For me, facing my grief was when I sit quietly, thinking of her, with tears running down my face. Or deliberately going for a walk with our dogs where we all used to go for walks, and talking to the dogs about her. Essentially when I invite the grief in.
I think like tykey, it’s inviting your grief in other than allowing it to control you, distracting from it only works for a short time, what you resist will persist. For me personally, it’s also about letting go of the past and accepting that part of my life is over and that I can’t change what has happened and exploring who I now am and what I want to do with my new life. Love never dies so I embrace the fact it lives within me and alongside me. It’s also a choice, how you respond to it.
You have come such a long way @tykey and hope the concert goes well. Life really is what you make it
Yes I think distraction is a rest from the grief.
Yes have to do these things. I had to force myself. Haven’t got there properly yet. I don’t sob every day after 19 months. But I was fighting depression. That is an aspect of it. And loneliness. Yes he is with me in my mind. Found a feather not a white one just a gull’s feather. I picked it up. I don’t really believe it is a sign like the poem suggests. I used to not want to go out because I couldn’t control my emotions all over the place. Confidence is a huge issue still. Making decisions is tough.
Here’s an update. The concert last night went incredibly well. About 50 of us in the choir, belting out harmonies of songs from the shows, we did some epic songs such as A Million Dreams, Over the Rainbow, and many others.
It was an amazing experience to be part of it.
If I think back to those desperate days, two years ago, when Penny died, never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would be part of a night like that. I wished Penny had been there to share it, but she would have been proud of us.
Grasp the nettle, take a risk, and get out there. I’m 76, so we are never too old!