It was 22 weeks yesterday since I lost my husband. We had been together since I was 15, married when I was 19 and for over 48 years. We discussed everything together. Now I’m trying to make so many decisions on my own. At first I was in a stupor - but managed to make necessary decisions with legal/financial things. Now I struggle with everything. His was not Covid - but I took him to the hospital for what we thought would be a one night stay - but he was there for 10 days - I was not able to go and see him and communication with him was very poor because of poor phone signal and him not being good with technology. I was allowed to go in for two hours at the end when he was unresponsive. The pain is just getting worse - I cry a lot when I’m on my own. I’m just yearning for him to come back - or me to go to him.
I’ve read lots of your stories on here - it has helped me to know that I’m not the only one suffering such pain - but then I feel guilty because other people’s pain and grief is making me feel slightly less alone on this journey. Does it ever get any easier to bear?
Dear BarbM,
So sorry your husband has died. As for your question as to whether it gets easier, my husband died 10 months ago, and I am still waiting for that to happen. I think you just learn to cope, but that doesn’t necessarily make it easier. Sorry I can’t be more positive. Hugs, Ann
Thankyou Ann for your reply. I’m sorry for your loss too. I suppose I am starting to learn to cope - but wasn’t succeeding earlier. Sometimes it all just gets too much as I’m sure it will for you too. We just have to try to move forward without them. Not easy
Take Care
Barbara
Thankyou Sheila for your reply. It does help reading about other people on here. Was just having a bad morning earlier and feeling sorry for myself (and for my husband who is missing so much).
It’s very early days for me compared to you - suppose we’re all on a long journey to get through the best we can. It’s difficult .
Take Care
Barbara
They say it gets easier but I have no idea when. I’m just over 7 months on this journey . Like you I feel so much pain and heartache and I have also wanted to just get out and go to him but thankfully my kids although they are grown up and my grandkids have made me realise I can’t go .
I then feel selfish because I of these feelings as I’m thinking of what I want rather than what my family needs , they need me to be strong because they too are grieving their dad.
He was taken so suddenly at the age of 56 there had been no illness or any warning signs beforehand so we were so unprepared for his passing and it was a total shock and a shock that crushed my world .
I have cried every single day since September 1st I have images of him filling my head whenever I’m alone so that’s EVERY evening .
I’m sure we will all get through this even if it’s just down to chatting and advising each other on this site
Take care Karen
Hi Karen
Thankyou for your message and I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible shock for you. You are brave (and wise) trying to be strong for your family. As you say - they need us to be strong as they struggle with their own grief.
I come and sit down after my evening meal and think - is this it now for the rest of my life? Sitting in front of tv each evening with nobody to talk to. On the other hand as we come out of lockdown I feel worried how I will be able to go anywhere without my husband with me. We’ve all these trials to overcome.
I can’t ever imagine getting used to this - just have to learn to cope and keep our feelings of despair under control in front of other people.
Take care
Barbara
There was no warning for us too. Went out on a run and never came back. All of our future gone, just like that. They can’t even give me a reason why at the moment. I find the early morning the worst - we loved the tranquility- now it’s just lonely. Feel so sad for the fact that he will never get to enjoy retirement when he worked so hard. He was only 50 - so unfair. Sending hugs
Dear Karen
My son is upset at me today. He has had counselling and is in a much better place which is great, particularly as he has a little son and another on the way. What he cannot understand and as I tried to explain to his sister who he contacted about me is that like you say we are alone every evening and this gives me plenty time to think about my husband. Also they fortunately have their partners who they can talk to and get support - the person I depended on for this has died and my journey will go on for much longer (until I join my husband if I am being honest).
I too was unprepared for my husband’s sudden death and my world fell apart that day.
I come to this site as people like yourself understand. I will just have to try and paint a better ‘fine’ face for my kids.
Sheila
Dear Jules4
So sorry - fully understand the huge impact. I want off this rollercoaster but will have to stay on for the sake of our kids and grandson.
Take care
Sheila
Sorry to hear about your husband 
My wife 13 feb last year from numerous things.
We had both agreed to no life support so I had to kiss her goodbye and turn off her ventilator, but I digress from your question , does it get easier
NO it doesn’t the hurt stays the same, the missing them is the same. It could be just one thing you see on TV that will hit that nerve. If you have family it does help to talk to them but will not take the hunt away , I don’t all I have is memories and photos, no personal items or even the home we had is gone I’m just waiting till I can see her again:cry: bless you sweetheart try and stay strong 
Hi BarbM, I am so sorry for your loss which must have come as a great shock when you were expecting your husband to stay in hospital overnight, not expecting that he would not come out. I am at 7 and a bit years and I wish I could say to you that it does get easier. I think in truth, we simply adjust and learn to live with our grief, through trial and error. We have no way of knowing how to navigate our way through grief so the best advice I can give is not to be too hard on yourself. In time, you will learn to recognise the “triggers” which set off our moments of grief and develop your own coping strategies. I remember my triggers, much the same as many widow/ers, they were those anniversaries which set me on a spiral until one day, I decided to use the anniversaries as a day of celebration of Joyce’s life. This made a huge difference to me, for the first time I was able to spend a whole day thinking about Joyce, and rather than tears, I had smiles for the time we spent together . It is Joyce’s birthday tomorrow and I have the day planned, the flowers I am buying, my time at the cemetery and afterwards. The family loved the quiches that Joyce baked so tomorrow afternoon, for the first time I’m baking! I don’t for one moment think that my quiche will compare with those Joyce baked, but I’m sure that she will be watching and giving me baking tips.
Life can be so hard and seem so unfair when you are grieving so my one recommendation, if grieving seems to consume your life, access counselling, I didn’t but realise now that I would have benefitted from it.
Grieving is normal, it is different for us all but we all go through it and with time, we can begin to accept our new life, our new “normal”.
Best wishes
John
Hello John,
Thankyou for taking time to reply and your wise words. I realise I have never understood what it means for anyone to lose their partner until it has happened to me. I am trying to put on a brave face - but sometimes get overwhelmed. I went to the garden centre today and felt quite positive until I saw couples of our age and older choosing plants together. It hit me that this was the first time I’d bought plants on my own for years and that I would be planting them by myself. Got in the car and was terribly upset. All these ‘firsts’ seem to be a trigger for me.
I have asked for counselling which will start in a couple of weeks and I’m hoping that will help me.
It sounds like you’re going to spend time tomorrow honouring your wife on her birthday. Good luck with the baking - hope it’s delicious- and very well done for trying. That is a positive thing to do.
Barbara