It’s 9 weeks this week since my dad passed. I’ve never been able to keep track of anything before but this I know to the exact minutes. I just feel it’s getting harder, there’s barely a day where I don’t cry, I’ve got my mum staying with me but need to start getting her back to her home, I feel such a lousy daughter for just thinking about this, but I need my space to grieve properly. I’m either working or looking after mum, with little to no help from my siblings. I just need to know it will start getting better
2 Likes
Hi Stacey, I can feel your anguish over the dilemma regarding your mum. It’s a very difficult decision but you really need to sit down with your mum and have an open discussion about what she does from here.
No big decisions just generally how her life may look in her eyes. It’s not going to be easy but rather then you feeling guilty or making decisions for her, she’s the one who needs to know what she wants.
Those first months are very hard and finding she is on her own will be heartbreaking for both of you. You are not a lousy daughter, far from it because you reached out for help not only for your self but for your mum as well and if I had a daughter who thought like you, I would be very proud of her.
I hope this may help, even just to give you ideas on how you can deal with your situation, we are different and sometimes you suddenly find the answer. I am sending you and your mum lots of love and blessings. Take it easy. S xx
2 Likes
Hi Stacey,
Nice to meet you. It’s 26 weeks for my mam and I am still devastated and cry every day, sometimes I cannot stop I am so overwhelmed. It comes in waves of despair and all I want to do is join her. My dad and sisters have abandoned me because I am so grief stricken. So I am completely alone apart from my weekly therapy and posting on CREATING A SHRINE FOR MY MAM’ where I have made some lovely friends. It does help to post. I don’t leave the house because I have panic attacks and am agoraphobic. This just makes my family even more angry towards me, though I’ve been like this for over twenty years now. You are so lucky to have your mams support and love. Mam accepted me for who I am and my anxieties. Nobody else does. So when I lost my mam I lost my dad and 2 sisters. Please be gentle with your mam. She must dearly love you to stay with you. You are her child and are dearly loved. I’m so sorry about your dad. It won’t seem real for a long time. I don’t know if we will ever leave the sadness behind. The trick I am told is to live along side it. Keep posting because it has helped me. Everyone understands and doesn’t judge. It’s a real comfort to me.
Lots of love xxx
2 Likes
Im so sorry for your loss.
It doesn’t get easier. My mum died on 14 March. The loss remains and I suspect that we will never get over it. However in time we do learn to live with it. It doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten or aren’t grieving. But we do adjust to the new normal and find a way to push forward.
It sounds as if you’ve really been there to support your Mum but I do understand what you mean.
Ryan
1 Like
Hi Ryan,
Mam left in November and it still doesn’t seem real. I sometimes forget and wonder why I haven’t spoken to her and then reality catches up with me and it knocks me down again. I just can’t make sense of it. How can she just not exist anymore? I know we are supposed to adjust in time and live alongside grief and it will become diluted but I don’t think I will ever accept that she has gone and that gaping hole left behind will ever be filled. She is with me when I am gardening, helping me choose where to plant but the closer I feel to her the more devastated I am because she isn’t here and never will be. I have so many things I had to say before she left and I cannot let it go. She didn’t talk to me before she went. There is no closure, nothing to hang onto. I ran out of time to say goodbye because she was on morphine when I was allowed in the hospital because of covid. I never imagined she wouldn’t be here. I want my mam back. xxx
Hi Stacey,
I’m sorry you are experiencing a lot of horrible emotions at present but I think they are entirely understandable. I lost my dad 3 weeks ago and have just had his funeral so things are of course still very painful. 9 weeks is still so early(although I imagine it feels like forever to you) and I expect it is normal for us to feel very sad for sometime yet. I think sometimes it is of course natural for us to want such painful feelings to go or lessen but I am trying to remember they are a reflection of the depth of love I had for my dad, they are a form of love. I am trying to let these feelings come and sit with me whilst I try to also do things I know dad would have enjoyed (I.e today I am taking mum to the garden centre as this is something they often did).
I also understand how you feel about your mum, I do feel responsible for my mum’s happiness and well-being now. She stayed with us a week after her died and is now back with us again but will have to go back home shortly (we live a couple of hours apart until she moves to me eventually). I want to remove her grief and pain from her but the sad truth is I cannot, I cannot bring my dad back. What I can do is try to think of ways both she and I can gain enjoyment from life again. So I’m trying to plan things for us to do as previously mentioned but I also recognise the importance of having my own life, your mum will understand this I’m sure although I’m her grief she may of course find it difficult to be without you. Remember you can only care for others properly if you also care for yourself. Perhaps chat to your mum about what will make it easier for her to return home, would perhaps she like to spend a few days there then return to you for 1-2 nights a week at first ? Hope some of this is helpful x
2 Likes