Does it get easier? I feel like I’m back to square one.

My dad passed from covid back in February, i honestly do not know if it gets easier, the pain from my cries feel like when we was by his bed side. I don’t know if I have grieved?, I know there’s no right or wrong way but I genuinely don’t even know if I have. There’s been floods of tears, reminiscing and hating myself for thinking I could of done more with him, it’s like part of me feel like I took him for granted. We had a good relationship, we was open and talked allot and I would see him every Sunday without fail he would cook for us and during the week also. although he wasn’t an affectionate person he always showed us he loved us. Before he was sedated with out our knowledge something inside of me made me physically say on the zoom call “I Love You Daddy” and this has been guilt tripping me as I blame those words on what had happened as it the only thing that changed between us. But I battle with my self knowing that I’m glad I also got to tell him those word, 5AM and I have not slept for the past hour I have been crying as I became a fiancé and he missed my 30th birthday Christmas was not the same this year either as there was no smell of fresh cakes and breads whilst we listen to music and converse at the donning table. I thought this will help me discuss some of my feelings I just discovers it today, grieving is so new and weird to me and I genuinely just have no idea

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Hi Jade, my dad died in September 2012, it may not help, but it does get easier. The first year after he died passed in a blur, I would feel a huge weight in my chest, it was overwhelming. Like you, I didn’t know if I was grieving, or if I was “doing it right”. There is no right or wrong, just feel what you are feeling.

Looking back now I still feel sad he’s not around, but the memories of childhood console me. Hang in there, you’ll be ok xx