I hope so thanks for replying
I think we are all just at whatever stage we are at. I don’t think random tears are an issue! You will ‘progress’ at your own pace. The important thing is to take care of yourself but allow yourself to feel and grieve. x x
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That sounds like a good way to connect with him x x
Its been 2 and half years since my husband unexpectedly passed away we had been together from age 17 he died age 59 , its been and still is a hard journey without him i had grief counselling i just didnt want to carry on without him Dr put me on Sertaline tablet which help abit but i still have bad days and cry , when we loved someone so much most of us carnt just draw a line under it and move on ,
But things are getting easier as time passes my counsellor told me that nothing wrong with crying its a big part of grief journey
To be honest its not that easy for most of us im struggling i dont know how to make a life worth living without my husband we were soulmates did everything together im trying to but its hard all my friends have still got husbands i do go for coffee with them every few weeks but all they talk about is plans they got with husband’s and complaining about them sowhats have you done to make a new life
For me, the frequency of crying reduced most significantly about a month after the first anniversary.
The impact of constantly thinking about the passing reduced after about 16 months. I think about it less frequently, and it’s less painful. This isn’t to say it isn’t frequent or painful. It is to say it has less impact or can be better controlled. It’s far from rosey. But i suppose it could be called an ‘improvement’.
Hi Matt1,
I agree with what you just wrote.
The raw crying fits, of not being able to breathe because of crying has eased for me and after almost 3 years I feel I can manage the crying much better. I still cry when something triggers me and that heartbreaking feeling is still there but I can control and manage it better.
It’s learning to live alongside grief and that includes the crying ,the overwhelming sadness and the longing to see the person again.
I have managed it by having a range of distractions for times it gets too much. For example at night if I cry I get up immediately and find something to do, if I am out and start crying I carry a funny photo of mum in my pocket, if I meet someone and they say something that triggers me I say I have to dash as have someone calling. For me it’s always having something to distract me away from the tears.
Deborah
Hi Deborah. Distraction for me has been work, and it has been quite an effective distraction. My sad moments tend to be not during work hours. Anything sentimental can make me sad.
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There are so many Disney films that have the death of a parent as a sub-plot. I don’t know why.
Hi Matt1,
It’s wonderful you have your work as a distraction. I am retired so found that an extra hurdle to cope with.
Totally agree. Anything sentimental sets me off too. Could be anything from seeing mum’s old garden ornaments that I brought back to my garden to songs, clothes, food, day trips etc.You name it and it triggers me as my mum was a huge part of my life.
Hadn’t realised about the Disney plots. Strange isn’t it? I wonder why they do that?
Once the crying stage eases we have to find coping strategies to put into place to protect ourselves and to simply carry on surviving.
It’s extremely hard to do though and navigating each day can be a huge challenge.
I find I don’t want to go out or do anything but when I do go out I feel better but guilty for even going out. It’s all grief doing this I know and thankfully I can find ways to drag myself out of the pit I sometimes find myself in.
Hope you are doing as well as you can do.
Sending strength
Deborah
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It’s difficult to imagine how I will be feeling in the future. And how far away that future feeling is.
I agree Matt. Every stage will take lots of time to handle
I suppose it’s all about learning how to survive the devastation in the early stages and hoping that we can learn to thrive at some point in the future.
Yes.
Getting used to new stages of coping is something we will do in our own ways in our own time. But not being able to go back and save them will never leave. The yearning to go back to how it was. And the present and the future without them is depressing.
It’s crazy how the grieving process works.
Ever since my partner passed away in Oct I’ve been battling to stay up. Like you I still cry every day and at times the overwhelming pain I get starts to send me down the rabbit hole. I honestly didn’t think being lonely was hard but! My god it’s really hard. The lack of support I’ve had shows me how much I’m on my own. You would think being 52 I’d have a lot of support but! That isn’t the case. I don’t know about yourself but! The pain is horrendous. 
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So sorry for your loss @Charliebear1.
Like you, I lost my partner last October and I still cry every day. Unlike you, I have had a lot of support from family and friends. It’s not an easy journey for any of us but, looking back, I don’t think I could have got this far without the support I’ve had. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you with little or no support.
Have you tried Cruse Bereavement Support, private counselling or the support you can get on this site?? This is a difficult path you are walking and you need some help. You can’t do it on you own.
If you’re struggling and you have no one to talk to, just post on this site. There’s always someone there to help.
In the meantime have a look at this video by David Kessler the US grief specialist. It might help you.
Hello again @Charliebear1. Thought this might help also.
You’re at a low point in your life and it feels like it’s never going to end, but it will; it always does. The hardest part is not believing the thoughts in your head that tell you it won’t. The mind is tricky. When you’re in pain, it tells you things that aren’t true. It whispers that you’ll always feel this way; that nothing will change; that you’ll never be happy again. But those are just thoughts; they come and go like passing clouds and just because a thought appears in your head doesn’t mean it’s true. You felt joy before. Maybe it’s been a while; maybe you don’t even remember what it feels like but if you felt it once it means you can feel it again. That part of you isn’t gone; it’s just buried right now, covered by everything you’ve been carrying.
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Your message is very timely. As if the grief isn’t bad enough it is made so much worse by lack of support. Like you I don’t have much support - from the people I most wanted, needed, would have liked it - and that makes the lonliness so much harder. I have one friend who is amazing but I don’t like to keep turning to her as I feel I am a burden if I call too often. I have one friend who has been such a let down and the pain of that is another loss on top of the grief (have lost my sister and dad (dad in Jan this year). Sometimes, like you, I feel I have to counsel myself and learn to be my own go to person. But we all need people and connection so it can be such a lonely journey. So I really get what you say and in essence how you feel ( though I know we all travel our own path). Sending love and hugs and thank you for sharing as it really did help me to feel I am not the only one who finds the lonliness compounds the grief x x
As a grief counsellor I feel your pain.
As if the effects of grief are not difficult enough on their own merits, they can become harder to process alone.
If anybody needs someone to reach out to at any time. Just someone to listen to their troubles and concerns.
Nobody should ever be made to feel alone.
In love and light
God bless you all. X x
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I lost my older brother who was my best friend and like a father figure really, almost 18 months ago very unexpectedly.
After a few months I looked into grief counselling. The normal ones were all during the day time which wouldn’t work for me due to work commitments. I ended up joining a local bereavement group once a week in the evening for 4-5 months. Hearing stories of some terrible situations others were in, in a horrible way helped. But they were all really nice people.
After that I went to a 1:1 counsellor for a similar period. People would ask me if it’s helping me by going. My honest answer was ‘I don’t know because I have no common frame of reference on which to compare it to’. Minimally I would say it was beneficial to go for the reasons you would expect, but I couldn’t say how much worse I would be if I hadn’t gone.
I suppose it’s a bit like this platform. Yes it sort of helps a bit, but how do you measure it. I don’t really know. Maybe it’s different for other people in different situations. Maybe I’m too cynical for it to be more effective.
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