I’m seven months in now and I thought I’d start a new conversation to discuss how the loss of our loved ones makes us cry and how we wonder if the crying will ever stop.
I have kept a grief journal since my wife passed away seven months ago and this allows me to see where I was then, where I am now and what has happened in between.
I would like to say that the crying has stopped after seven months but it hasn’t. I still cry every day but there have been subtle changes. I look back and see that, for the first three months, I was crying inconsolably for twenty minutes or more at a time. There were short periods of respite, and then the crying would start again. But there was a gradual change by the end of that first three months. I was unaware that a slow transition was taking place but, looking back now, I can see that the balance was shifting. I was spending less time crying and spending more time composed. I still find myself crying when uninvited thoughts pop into my my head but now the crying only lasts for a couple of minutes and I can regain my composure pretty quickly.
This is a message of hope to those of you wondering if you will ever stop crying for the loss of your loved one. I don’t know if it will be the same for you but, in my experience, there has been a reduction in the amount of time I spend crying and an increase in the amount of time I can remain composed.
@Wilson9
That is so encouraging to hear. I’ve wondered if this absolute nightmare of floods of tears might wane sometime and your message gives me some hope.
I wouldn’t mind tears two or three times a day but it’s when it completely takes over and I hear myself I can’t believe it’s me to be honest…
I’m only two months in but desperately trying to control myself but then I think that’s not healthy…
@Mitzi1
Hang in there and try to be patient with yourself. I was in a dark place at the two month stage but, trust me, it does get better. I find it helps to write about your pain, your feelings and your fears. Your mind can become a chaotic place and writing about it can bring some kind of order out of the chaos.
Hi Wilson9,
I can resonate with what you have posted. Pretty much the same for me.
I still cry quite a few times a week when something triggers me.
What I have found after 2 and a half years is I can control it better. That’s a massive improvement for me.
I still find that tears start without warning and can start over the tiniest thing.
Hope this helps
Deborah
@Wilson9
I actually write a journal for John
( crazy I know ) most days about what I’ve done n how I feel. I’ll just keep on with that n maybe concentrate more on how I’m feeling.
It’s a horrid time…
firstly i dont dismiss anyones feelings or how they cope. for me its been 3 yrs, i was with hubby for 47 yrs. i cried for the first couple of weeks that was it, intial shock whatever but to be honest there is no sense in crying all the time, its not going to change anything, we have got to move on the best we can, whether we like it or not.
we will miss them for ever but life has to go on
Hi Sue F1,
I agree with you totally but I find I have no control over the tears. They just happen with no notice.
Sometimes it can be the slightest thing that triggers them. And it can happen anywhere.
Maybe I am not at the same stage you are at. But hopefully I will get there one day.
Deborah
seychelles, oh i can cry over different things, a song, a movie etc but my hubby doesnt trigger any crying any more, thats over and done with 3 yrs ago, whats the point nothing is going to bring him back
I am relieved to say that, 6 months in, my tears are rarely tsunamis now. Crying was so hard, my body ached all over- it was exhausting. Now the tears are more like summer rain - lighter, and they pass by quicker. I am tearful typing this now, but this too shall pass. Love sent to you all - let us hope grief brings more compassion and less hatred in the world.
Oh my gosh.Thank you.I feel the same I cry every single day.I try not to in front of people so it’s usually in bed when I am on my own.
@Navajo
Thank You.
Your words give me hope just now.
I’m only 8 weeks in and it’s very raw but I do hope that in time my tears will be less and I will be able to smile at the memories instead of crying…
Im doing the same
I don’t know why its so hard to cry openly with people-I kind of feel like I’m bringing them down with me. But isn’t it such a terribly lonely feeling? At least there is a sense of community here - even though we would all, do anything not to part of it
A shared sorrow for one another’s unthinkable loss. God bless
I am the same as you and almost 8 months since my partner passed away, I still cry often but can console myself more quickly. I too have unexpected thoughts, I can be doing anything or be anywhere and just start crying. I don’t think we will ever forgot them but it will get easier. Take good care of yourself, I’m sure you have some wonderful memories of your wife
I don’t think the crying stops but the intervals get longer in between bouts and maybe a new normal begins. I still miss my sister so badly but I am living life with joy again. I have moments where I am sad and very sad all over again. And I have survivor guilt at times. But I live for us both at times, in as much as I hope she can also share in my enjoyment, somehow, somewhere! X x
Crying is a normal way for us to express our grief.
It is painful, it hurts, it grips us and takes over our lives.
We cry and hurt so much when we lose those we loved so much.
How amazing and wonderful is that.
How beautiful is it, that one human being can hurt so much because they loved so much.
How sad would it be if we didn’t hurt, what would that tell us about how much we loved the person who has passed if we didn’t hurt at all.
When you feel the pain and hurt, remember always, it’s only there because you loved that person so much.
And that is amazing as it is beautiful.
God bless you x
Someone in another group I’m in mentioned survivors guilt the other day. I think I have this too as I’m struggling to come to terms with my partners death, felt powerless and guilty that I couldn’t help him overcome his addiction
@Navajo
I know what you mean about not crying openly. Like you, I don’t want to bring family and friends down so, I don’t cry in front of them; I just cry when I’m at home alone when no one can see me. I put on my brave face when I’m out and about and everyone thinks I’m doing so well but they don’t see what I’m like when I’m at home and the mask slips.
My family scattered some of my wife’s ashes on the beach last week and interred the rest in her grave. I read this out to my daughters and we all had tears in our eyes:
As we look back on your life, we find ourselves wondering did we remember to thank you enough for all you have done for us.
Did we remember to thank you enough for all the times you were there to help and support us, to celebrate our successes, to understand our problems and accept our defeats?
Did we remember to thank you enough for teaching us, by your example, the value of hard work, patience, helping others, kindness and courage?
Did we remember to thank you enough for the all the sacrifices you made to let us have the very best and for the simple things you gave us like the laughter, the fun, the smiles and all the special times we shared?
If we have forgotten to show our gratitude for all the things you did, we’re thanking you now and we’re hoping you knew all along just how much you meant to us.
These words are such a beautiful tribute to a beloved wife and mother. It made me bit teary in a good way. It is a lovely thing to share. Im convinced that love never dies, and I hope that in time its transformed, from unbearable sorrow to gratitude and deep compassion - for ourselves and all those over the world grieving for lost loved ones.
I am not religious but if there is a God may He (or She!) giive us all strength and comfort.