Does this ever end?

After nearly two years I feel worse than ever because I can see no end to this nightmare.
When my husband died my whole life disappeared overnight, our retirement and all our plans.
It doesn’t matter how busy I keep myself , how many people I see I go home and have nothing in my life at all that means anything to me. I’ve had months of counselling all
I’m told is that there is hope for the future. I don’t have any hope at all and dread the the years ahead. I know all about the Samaritans ,doctors , anti-depressants, take a day at a time etc and none of it helps me. Will this agony go on for the rest of my life. I never knew if was possible to feel so bad day in day out. Does anyone else feel the same ? or can you all see a way ahead? Sadie

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Hi. Sadme. I know, you will have heard all this before, but bereavement takes everyone differently. Some grieve for a comparatively short time, others maybe for many years. You will never forget, but the pain will become more bearable. It’s so easy to sink into despair, in fact I would say despair is so common in grief. I agree, nothing SEEMS to help, but the more you accept the situation the better. Nothing can change what’s happened. Turning the clock back over and over does nothing to settle your mind.
It’s very dark out there for you at the moment, but take heart in the fact that everyone here knows how you feel.
Nothing I can say at the moment will help a lot, but yes, I do see a way ahead. Faintly but I know it’s there. My wife died last November and yes, it has been very painful. But coming on this site was the best move I ever made. Everyone is in the same boat and are so kind and helpful. They do have a counselling service so it might be good to ask. So many so called ‘helpers’ have not suffered in this way so it’s difficult for them to empathise with you.
I would never suggest any activity or anything that will take your mind off your grief. I don’t know you well enough to make suggestions. Take heart, we are all here for you to unload when you want. Blessings.

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Like Jonathan, I’m not going to try to be prescriptive. For me I think there was a watershed moment when I realised that I couldn’t just continue to live in the same way that I had done when Carolyn was alive, and well. I’d retired early at 52 and had she decided to retire early as well things could have been even better. I was encouraged to get out there and develop new interests and activities, as she didn’t want me getting under her feet and disrupting her life. I’m really glad about that as they are things I have fallen back on.
I struggle to find real meaning in my life but maybe that’s a step too far. It seems to be about filling time and looking for scraps of interest, enjoyment and enthusiasm. I can occasionally become lost in the moment and then realise I enjoyed something.
Next week I’m setting off for Pembrokeshire and then the Llyn Peninsula. I might as well be lonely there as lonely at home, and it’s a change of scenery. They are both places we visited together fairly frequently and that makes it a challenge but I’m determined to not become paralysed by my grief and to look for as many enjoyable things as possible.
I know how much Carolyn wanted to live and it seems almost disloyal to her that I should just give up on life.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply and I 'm glad, that after only 8 months that you can see a way ahead for yourself. The pain has got worse since it’s hit home that this is what I’m left with. I’m aware of the counselling service offered here but I’ve had months of bereavement counselling. It helped relieved the pressure a little but that was all in the end I didn’t know what to say anymore so stopped.Thank you anyway. S

all I can say is: we too will die one day. I was with some older friends, by 20 years, and we discussed suicidal feelings. but the logic was: we will be dead, soon enough. sort of a devil may care attitude … but profoundly true. try to carry on. try to live, while you can. we will all follow our loved ones into the great beyond. we are here now. we might as well make the most of it.

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It’s been two months since Steve passed away. I find the hardest place to go is the garage, his tools still on the floor, the new purchases because he loved trawling Homebase. The clothes in the wardrobe , the unwashed shirt , with the smell of his aftershave lingerie. I wouldnt wish this pain on anyone. The vicar told me that when the harshness of my husbands death fades I will be left with the memories. We should have had our retirement together and now I face it alone. My daughter got married six day after the funeral. That was hard. I just don’t know how to get through the days and nights without him.

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Aftershave lingering

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Thank you for your reply. Yes, logically this is true but since the day my loved one died nothing is logical to me. People years older with health problems, who don’t look after their health are here and he has gone. Hardly a days illness in his life, a good person, who helped others and he’s gone. I try to carry on and struggle through every day and night but the pain is unbearable .Sadie

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Good luck with your travels and you seem to be going in a good direction .I’m glad you have some interests and activities to fill your day, thank you for your reply.

Hi, I am 6 weeks and feel exactly the same as you do, I never knew you could feel pain like this, I also find that when I see family or friends it feels horrible, like I don’t “fit” anymore, I don’t feel calm at none or out, alone or with company, it’s like your roots have been cut and your blowing around in the wind? I have to hope that with time the raw pain fades, they say time is a healer? I find watching touch of frost helps a bit as you have to concentrate also after a good cry I feel calmer, I try & see it that we are temporarily apart, but we have to get through our life somehow

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I know exactly how you feel. I don’t really enjoy anything anymore, Every thing is just ‘nice’.

Honestly Sadme, i feel exactly as u do. The only diffence is that is was my mum that i lost. She was my best friend and my whole world, in so many ways. I have to say, though, that connecting with people who have actually been through it is, for me, been such a help.

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Jonathan and YL… I ‘liked’ and relate very much, thank you, you give solid balanced advice.

I spray it in my bedroom, always will x

I’m sorry you still feel the way you do after 2 years but I would imagine it can take some people a lot longer than others. I lost my partner 2 months ago so it is still early days yet. I have put myself down for the online counselling because people say it will help me. I am a bit sceptical about it because I think it doesn’t matter what anyone says or does you will still have all those feelings inside and can’t possibly ever go away, but I will try anything once. I too think the agony will go on for the rest of our lives but I feel I owe it to Alan to give it my best shot as he really loved life. I do feel the same as you ,day in and day out, but I do hope it will improve as time goes on. I hope that you too will find some peace in your life and be able to move forward. May you take comfort from the knowledge you are not alone. Take care.

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I spray it in the bathroom…Brut

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yes Sadie what you say I totally agree with. People whether older or even younger with health problems, some self inflicted and they seem to get by in life. My Alan was 77 very fit did everything that’s asked of you in life eg. stopped smoking, good healthy diet, very rarely drank, walked plenty, did gardening, DIY, house maintenance, shopping, ironing, cooking, cleaning and would drive us out everyday Monday to Thursday to visit lovely places near and far. He loved life and never complained. He too never had a days illness in his life until 6 years ago when he had a perforated ulcer, hence why he gave up smoking. A couple of years ago he was told he was border line diabetic, hard to believe as he didn’t carry any weight, so he listened to the advice given to him for that. They were amazed at the clinic how he turned that around to be no longer so. Two and a half years ago he was also diagnosed with prostrate cancer which he was on active surveillance for and one and a half years ago he was told he had non-hodgkins lymphoma which he had five lots of chemotherapy for, and he was always being told what an amazing positive attitude he had and he didn’t look poorly at all. He also had copd and put his heart stress echo on hold until after his chemo. Ironically none of these things killed him. Pneumonia and paraneoplastic syndrome were on his death certificate although all the time he spent in hospital they didn’t know what was wrong with him only what wasn’t. The only thing for definite was he kept getting infections, due to his white blood cell count being low which makes your immune system break down. He worked hard all his life until he was 72 years old and it does leave you wondering why this happens to the good people and leaves us with such sadness and pain trying to get through life without our loved ones. Hope you can soon find some sort of peace and meaning to life as indeed I hope I can.

Oh Sadie, I know only too well that feeling. It’s nearly 2 years for me as well and I see no point at all. I have friends and family, and try to keep very busy but like you say, at home there is nothing. I don’t know what the answer is. I looked after my husband for over a year, and had given up my job to do so. I dont know whether a job is the answer, but I doubt it as my days are busy any way.
I’m sorry I have nothing positive to say, I wish I did. I shall read further to see if there is an answer. I didnt get past your post. I could have written it myself.
I’m really sorry. I really hope that there is an end, or at least an easing.

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Omg it’s like reading how I am feeling. There is nothing anyone can tell me that makes this any fckn better. I am screaming in silence thinking I’m crazy but hey someone else feels this too x

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" Does this ever end." well no, how can it? we are the ones who are still here, it is our partner who is no longer here…They are now out of all manner of pain, we are the ones left who are carrying over their pain…