Doing OK but hit a brick wall now

[nikfabs]

Hi all

I have used this site a lot over the past 3 1/2 months (it absolutely feels like forever) since I lost my lovely Paul. He had an accident basically got on an e-scooter drunk and fell off, was in ICU and hospital in November for 2 weeks, died really suddenly of a DVT and pulmonary embolism on Jan 16th whilst recovering from severe concussion and broken ribs. So much help and support on this site I suppose I am just looking for one more push. (prob wont be the last one tbh).

Many of you will know how it is - life gets back to some kind of new manufactured normal but I have really struggled this week and a friend called it out yesterday as I couldn’t hide how flat I am feeling when she said you still miss Paul. I hadn’t really realised as I had just been focussed on keeping going.

The first few weeks were absolutely dreadful and I had 5 weeks off work eventually. We had a tough two years with Paul having difficulties at work (after 32 years in the same job) and I had really tried to help Paul and he retired a little early just before 60 became quite depressed to the point that he didn’t want to leave the bedroom. We had to re-manage finances so we thought we would downsize and move only it proved tougher than we thought so we had decided to stay where we were which has lovely views and the house I bought with my ex 31 years ago. Paul has been with me for 9 years and moved in pretty quickly. We have lovely views over the sea where we are just outside Brighton which still lifts my day. Everything was in boxes as we still had expected to move and I completed on a remortgage a week after he died as I could remortage and save lots of money in my name as I had a better credit rating. It was ridiculous really as it was the thing we had been both been waiting for and key to moving on.

I kept really really busy, bought ikea bookcases and put them together, unloaded all the boxes and went through all his stuff. It looks lovely in cabinets but sadly he is not here to see it. He loved his bus model collection, tech equipment and Liverpool transport stuff. I have kept his little computer room with all his stuff in, he has his ashes in there where he can see the sea. I have done lots of other stuff round the house and it looks better than it has ever looked. I have had lots of finances to sort and I have managed to do most of that. I went up to Liverpool a week after the funeral to see his brother and family and friends and am in very close contact with his daughters (23 and 25) , one of which lives 15 mins up the road and my kids have been great (26 and 29). I also call his brother in the Wirral once a week, sadly his wife Linda collapsed and died suddenly when Paul was in hospital after his accident beginning of December. We have been a good support for each other.

But this week I feel like I have totally flatlined with feelings. The last couple of months I just felt I needed to keep surviving. I survived as a kid and haven’t had contact with my parents since I was 18 and was homeless for a while (I am 57) although I have a wonderful mother in law I see and talk to very regularly. I also survived with teenage kids after my alcoholic ex-husband left about 14 years ago so I have kept going and kept going. I have now come to a bit of a full stop.

I feel very drained and lacking in a lot of motivation. I have been back at work I suppose about 10 weeks now. I also feel incredibly lonely and sad.

Today I am washing the bed sheets. I haven’t until now as they had a bit of Paul on them. They didn’t smell of him as I had washed them only a couple of days before he died. I also read again and finally put away the sympathy cards that were on the shelf in the lounge. Overall, the house looks great as we had done lots of work on it prior to potentially moving, and lots of finances are sorted. The house was a project that kept me busy in the first very tough couple of months. I am thankful for it. I have done lots of nice things that complete the memory of him at home.

But I am crying now as I am just left with my sad flat self. I have had a few weeks where I have tried to feel I can do it all without him which comes with its own sense of guilt. I find weekends much more difficult (I know lots of us do). I got asked yesterday am I going away over the summer!! Who with??

I think I am in the next wave and will organise some free counselling at work. After being on the fight or flight survival mode I have hit a road bump of what happens next and keeping really really busy doesn’t quite cut it.

I am fortunate to have good people in my life, lots to do, work keeps me going so lots of positives. Perhaps the loss has finally hit. I shall go out today, mow the lawn and get some plants to put where the sympathy cards were. Pop to the shops and get some boring food I can’t be much bothered to cook. I couldn’t even be bothered to eat last night. And wash the bed sheets.

I know we talk of waves of grief and our losses mean we almost forensically examine our feelings and sadness. It is exhausting and draining. It has helped to write it down as I sit at home on a Sunday all alone making the decisions what to do today that requires such an effort in itself.

Thanks to you all for being there. Today feels a really difficult day. Perhaps it is the first day of the next phase and we have to go through it. I don’t really know. Thanks in advance for any wise words and your kindness. Nikki x

[Walan]

@nikfabs Hi there, its been around 3 1/2 years for me but what you describe struck a chord as it was pretty much exactly how i felt when I got to the same point as you are now, the shock wore off and you begin to let the realisation that ‘this is it now’ into life and it can be really hard to process. It’s not much consolation but it will, as with the initial shock, begin to sit better, to not hurt as much and be something that you can accept in all of it’s facets, unfortunately its the old ‘it takes time’. In the bigger picture, from where I stand now, I can see that for me it was the beginning of the very long road to acceptance, that I was alone, that there was no more admin, that my brain was starting to slowly let the reality of the situation in. Although it didn’t feel like it at the time, somehow the preceding months had been easier as it was just a case of survival, but then when the realisation starts to become apparent in the mundanity of day to day life it can be daunting and feel like a step backwards but it is actually the beginning of moving forward in its fullest sense. Things will be tough but a different kind of tough, a place where it’s up to you now to make that new life that you never expected or wanted, but as hard as it feels now it will get easier, you will come back to yourself, you will find what can make you happy and you will find purpose if you want it, it’s really up to you now to decide what you are going to do with the time you have left and how you can move towards that and away from the pain of loss. I can’t really offer any tips, i found happiness and purpose in the least expected places, making new food, looking at the milky way from a mountain top, learning to drive, but most of all just from keeping on keeping on, trying new things, if they didn’t work, trying something else, just keeping on trying. In the end I feel good now, I’ve learned to carry my grief and my wife with me, to make them part of my life but not the focus, I’ve allowed happiness in and now feel no guilt whatsoever about this, I’ve done things I could never have done before and I will keep on trying and doing more than I could have ever dreamed of when I stood where you are now. From what you have written you have put yourself in a good place to start from, while this is sadly the end of the old life, it’s the start of a new one. I hope that in time you will be as thankful for that as I am now.

[Brandon1]

Dear Nikki, I think that what Walan has said is very true and I don’t really have much to add but I think you have gone through tough situations in life and if anyone can build a new one it will be you. Our situation isn’t going to change so it’s on us to change. Hopefully we can take all the good that we have received from our loved ones and carry it into our new lives. If they are watching us hopefully will give them something worthwhile to watch.
Wishing you all the best for your future
Tom

[nikfabs]

thank you both - really very wise words and lots of kindness and refection in your replies.

Walan thank you for the positives. I feel I really need those wise words right now and it does help. I went to the garden centre today and got some plants which is not my kind of thing and mowed the lawn. I still get the check in messages from time to time from others but generally people are back to normal. I suppose it is getting used to not quite being there sometimes. I have social services coming tomorrow for a house visit for supported lodgings for 16-19 year olds. I’d rather do that than get a lodger and it might make the house less empty. It might also be a disaster and too much - who knows!

Tom you are there for everyone and it is noticed and appreciated.

Walan thank you for making me feel like there is a way forward onto acceptance. Really very helpful and what I needed to hear. Much appreciated x

[Walan]

@nikfabs Thanks for the thanks, it took me a long time to realise that positives were possible and even longer to learn that guilt doesn’t define them, its positive for me to be able to express that and for it to make a difference, so thanks to you too. I still occasionally have bad days, the negatives are still lined up, but now I know that they will not last, I have answers to their questions and I can sit with them, talk things through, accept that they are part of me and have helped to get me to here. It’s an odd dance and takes time and patience but you can learn the steps, you teach them to yourself.

I hope your visit goes well and whatever the outcome it puts you further down the road, more towards your self. And if it all doesn’t work out, then try the lodger, try something else, see where this life takes you…

[CaS16]

@nikfabs firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 27 years in February after his 15 month battle with cancer.

I recognise your feelings; the first 3 weeks were a blur until his funeral and then I had to throw myself into decorating the front room, as once his hospital bed and the carpet were gone, it was a room in need of much attention. Making all the decisions on my own, after 27 years of decisions being 50/50 felt impossible, and once completed, although I like results, I like you felt very flat - What’s the point, it’s only me here to see it!

I’m very lucky as I have an amazing family. A different kind of love, which will never replace my husband, but love! I went through a two week hateful spell of crying so much that it was a physical pain. I found myself screaming internally and externally, and even though I have an amazing support network, I couldn’t acknowledge it let alone see it, and felt as though I didn’t belong ( or want to ) anywhere. Coming out the other side, I’ve been able to gradually see that this life I now have is one I don’t particularly want, but I no choice in the matter, so I have to try ( as hard as it is) to find some good in every day of it. I don’t particularly want to move forward, I want to be stuck in our past that we had together, but most days I am able to see that that life is no longer available, so it’s one foot in front of the other - willingly or not - and I know it sounds clichéd but my husband would be so upset if he thought I was not going to make it.

Flat days are to be expected and are completely acceptable. I think if we’re honest with ourselves we had flat/off days when with our spouses/partners, I think the big difference now is the realisation that they are no longer here to physically share them with.

I’m nowhere near ( probably never will be) any form of acceptance of my situation now; I do however (for me personally) think I’m more able to realise why I feel like I do on different days, and this in turn is helping with processing emotions as they arise.

Take care of yourself - sending you virtual

[nikfabs]

thanks again @Walan visit went well and I’ll see where it goes

@CaS16 The physical toll I felt was huge and I am just starting to feel physically stronger now. Someone did warn me and I have found this very impactful. And yes to processing emotions. Form of PTSD - whatever - I have found taking time to think about things helpful, often when I choose to do that. Am I very lonely with lots of lovely people around. Yes definitely. But I try and convince myself I am strong and can keep going - and agree about the flat days. We just don’t notice them so much.

I am sure your lounge looks better. All part of the healing process. Change what you need to. Keep things the same if it helps. Sending you both a proper hug. We keep going x