Mum died beginning of December and I’ve never broken down , become hysterical or anything not even at the funeral or scattering her ashes
It’s relief - she wasn’t a loving mother , she wasn’t some one who’d say I love you hug you I’m proud of you , my husband and I had a wedding in New Zealand because she told me if I married him she wouldn’t attend - she was one of these who thought she was perfect , thought everyone should know who she was due to her father having had a local business , the last conversation I had with her was a blazing row (I’m 40) where she told me she should have aborted me that she regretted having me to which I told her we were finished , she wasn’t family and my in-laws were more family than she knew how to be - she was also hateful of my career
Has anyone else had a parent die and you’ve suddenly felt thank god he / she is gone
She left no will so we’ve all that to deal with
She was pure selfish she was clearly sick the week before she died (went in with a “UTI” which was actually perforated bowel and sepsis but she wouldn’t call a doctor
Thank you for sharing this with us. You’re not alone in feeling this way. @HB63 shared this thread about their relationship with their mum which you might want to read. Maybe you can reach out to them?
I’m sure someone else will be along to share their thoughts, too. Take good care,
So much of what you say resonates with me. My mum’s still around; she’s 91 & I’m so afraid of her dying. Not because I’ll miss her, but because I won’t. I had what my therapist calls an “invalidating childhood” - I wasn’t allowed to cry; I had to be the good girl. What the neighbours thought was more important than my feelings. When she discovered I was ”living in sin", she cut off all contact for 9 months. Now she’s old & frail, she makes out that we’ve always had this loving relationship full of warmth & hugs. She’s manipulative and judgemental & responds to any failure to play by her rules by sobbing how useless she is. But she hasn’t been as outright horrible as your mum & I just can’t bring myself to break off all ties. She’s told me many a time that I’m cold & callous (despite the close, loving relationships I have with my kids & my friends) & I haven’t seen her for years because it always ends in tears. I can’t be the model daughter she wants & spending any time with her is just damaging. Even the occasional duty phone calls are purgatory. I grieved the loss of the mum I might have had a long time ago - & continue to do so.
I really hope this doesn’t sound like I’m hijacking your experience. I was just so surprised & pleased to see there was space for what some people might consider unacceptable feelings. Sounds like you have a loving support network around you…all good thoughts & best wishes to you & yours. Thank you so much for sharing your story - it makes me feel much less alone xx
I see I have been noted as someone who feels similarly to you. My mum was never emotionally supportive to me or my brother and her last six years of life, depending totally on my husband and me to run her life, were incredibly stressful. We never got to the row stage as I was too afraid of her power to wound me, so we let her get away with her narcissistic behaviour - conditioning on my part, I suppose, and dislike of conflict on my husband’s. While she was in hospital for the last time I dreamed about the peace and relief I would feel if and when she died, but sadly I haven’t really got to that stage yet. I have found grieving for her very difficult and some friends think I still haven’t recovered fully from the last eight years of tension and resentment. It’s not that we weren’t willing to help her, but she criticised much of what we did and was never happy, which is rather soul-destroying after a while. So you are definitely not the only one to go through this and I hope you will find your own best way of coming to terms with it all.