Don’t feel supported

Coping with bereavement
#1

I lost my mum in January and my dad last month. My fella was great to begin with but now he just doesn’t seem to care. I cry and he says nothing. I’m quiet he’s even quieter and goes to bed early after spending all evening on his phone not talking to me.

He’s moody and sensitive to any comments I make about his moods. He’s always on the defence and turns things around on me. He’s quite childish when I try to talk things through.

His moods change with the moon (honestly they do). He’s always been like this but now when I need the support (just a hug or a are you ok?). He’s just not there. I’d talk to my mum and dad about his moods before but now I can’t.

Yes I’m sad and I’m no fun at the moment but you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth.

#2

Hi parrot09
If your relationship was good before your parents died it’s probably that your partner just doesnt know what to say to help. He probably feels that it’s easier to ignore whats happened or go to bed and avoid you.
When my mum died suddenly 17 months ago my partner was great but after a while he didnt have a clue.
Yesterday it was my mums birthday and my partner and daughter didnt even mention it to me even though I know they remembered.
It does feel like you arent being supportive when the truth is that British people are useless when it comes to bereavement. My friend who is Italian told me that when someone dies they rally round cooking, taking things to bereaved families and generally taking over.
Here we just avoid people or change the subject.
I think you should talk to your partner and tell him how you are feeling. Do you have anyone else?

#3

@Parrot09 Hello, thanks for your comment on my thread. I thought I’d read your own post to compare the notes and it sounds like we are in very similar situations.
I could have written your words myself. My partner and I have not been together that long, only 1 year, and we were only together 2 months before I lost my Dad. He decided to stay with me despite me warning how difficult this grief journey would be for me but also for him too. It’s a huge deal to happen to anyone, more so in a new relationship. My partner was so amazing at the beginning but now, I’m lucky if he even looks up at me from his phone/ TV/ game whatever distraction he’s using. It feels so hurtful to us as we are in seriously low moods and very very emotional. Every small thing seems like a huge stab in the heart and honestly, disrespectful.
Jon gave me a lovely reply on my post that reminded me that our loss is not there’s - they do not feel it as we do. It can also be very draining being around someone who is so depressed and sad. I think we need a little give and take from both sides (I don’t know exactly how that looks but I’m willing to try anything). Have you tried speaking to him about how he makes you feel? My partner isn’t a big communicator in general, and as someone who’s a trainee counsellor, this has been a huge clash. I think for them, after a certain amount of time passes, they just can’t understand why we cannot get on with life. It’s harder to do that now in this climate. Has your partner experienced any acute loss’ as ours? Mine has not and this plays into it.

My inbox is open if you need to chat. It’s been so hard coming to terms with the loss of my Dad, I could only imagine how awful it is losing both parents so close to one another. My heart goes to you.

X

#4

Thank you Watt92. Sounds very similar, but we’ve been together 7 years and he’s lost both parents suddenly 10 years apart.

I can imagine it’s difficult in a new relationship for you both.

It’s difficult to talk to my fella as he’s always on the defence. He can do no wrong in his eyes, he’s got a high opinion of himself and his beliefs. If I challenge anything he does or says all hell breaks loose. Well when I say that, he hates confrontation so tries to get out of it by leaving the house or going to bed early. I’m the type that wants to get it out in the open. He finds it difficult! We had words last week and instead of just telling me how he felt he came out with “you’re always having a go at me, I can’t be bothered any more”. If I was as childish as him we’d have probably split up at that moment (briefly). He’s 55 and just behaves like a child in times of trouble. He genuinely does my head in.

Yet when he’s on the good side of the moon, he’s great.

I just need the support, not to be left alone. I see no one. I get texts off my best mate but she works full time so don’t see her that often. My children are boys so what more can I say about that :flushed:

My dad would have listened to me then advised me how to deal with it.

#5

Hi @Parrot09 this sounds very difficult for you. Has he always been like this, but become worse since your parents died, or is it something that’s happened since your parents died? Men are so complex but sadly the worst aspect of someone’s character can come out when a partner is suffering. There’s all the obvious suggestions like individual counselling or couples counselling, but many men shy away from counselling. Is he under particular stress? Almost all of us are affected emotionally by lockdown and so many are also struggling with associated financial problems. How did he deal with his grief when his parents died? Did you help him then? I have a couple of suggestions - the first is can you find someone - a relative maybe - to talk this out with (COVID permitting) and secondly does he have any mental health issues that mean he needs help? It does sound as if he may be very depressed and so often men hide depression underneath bad & insensitive moods. COVID is affecting every aspect of our lives - this is the worst possible time to be going through a bereavement.
I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and everyone here. Hugs Cxxx

#6

He’s not depressed. We weren’t together when he lost his parents.

He is preoccupied with something to do with work but I do ask him about that.

He’s just like this and it’s difficult to talk things through with him because he does no wrong. I’m not perfect by any means but I can admit that unlike him.

I’ll just get on with stuff. I don’t have much family and I’m not that close to them anyway.

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