Don’t know how to greave

On the 3rd of April I lost my father to Covid19. He was unwell for over 2 weeks at home. He was a healthy 61 year old. He eventually went into hospital. Me and my siblings would text him and ring him and he wouldn’t reply. He would read our messages but not reply. After a week in intensive care he finally passed away. He was with my brother and his wife. My daughter is in the sheilding list so I could not be there. I feel like I can’t greave because it doesn’t feel real. I’ve not been able to see my family or been in a situation were he’s not there. I’m scared of going back to normal life because then I have to deal with the loss.

Hi. Rubygem2. Welcome. Unreality is a symptom of grief. None of us can believe at first it has actually happened. It all seems so unreal and unfair. Why? This is the perennial question to which there is no answer. But what is ‘normal life’ and can it ever be the same? Life changes from day to day and coping with loss should be taken day by day at first. It’s so short a time since your loss and your mind will still go round in turmoil for a while.
Grieving is a process that none of us wants to go through, but the release of emotions is so important. Try not to look too far into the future. The time will come when you can, but take it easy at the moment. I am not minimising your pain. I do know.
You will deal with the loss as we all do, and most of us think we never will but we do. Reassurance at this stage may sound hollow, but everyone here knows what it’s like. You are among friends. Life can be very hard at times, and no one knows what it will throw at us. But like a ship in a storm we need to head into the wind and ride it out. Nothing can ever be the same, but we can enter a ‘new norm’ as everyone is saying.
Blessings and take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

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Thank you Jonathan. I am trying but it’s very hard as you all know. I think with no proper funeral, service and after hugs from my family doesn’t help. My daughter has CKD so when we will actually to see my family I don’t know. Just trying to keep safe.

Dear Rubygem2,
You have had a lot to cope with in recent weeks and I can understand that you feel that you don’t know how to grief because you have lost your father so suddenly and were not able to see him before he died. It must feel very unreal at the moment. You are probably right to expect that you will have to deal with the loss when life returns to ‘normal’. Hopefully, by then you will have not have to do this alone but will have the support of family and friends. You did what you could under the circumstances by trying to phone and by texting your father. Do you know why he did not reply? Maybe he was too ill or too weak to do so, but your texts probably meant a lot to him. Are you able to talk with your brother and his wife about how you feel? And do they show understanding for the fact that your number one priority at the moment is your daughter? I hope they do.
It is good that you have come to this site. You will find there are many people, like Jonathan and Rubygem, who will understand what you are going through. Do keep posting whenever you feel like it.
Take care,
Jo

Thank you jo. Yes my brother and sister both understand. I am really trying to do the right thing by my daughter. By not seeing anyone. I just think I have my moments and cry a lot but then I feel sick when I think of how it all happened.

Hi Rubygem2, I lost my beloved father to Covid-19 too, he caught it in hospital while being treated for somehitng else, I feel completely robbed. He became very tired and although we tried to contact him on his phone, he was too weak to answer, it was a living hell to try and find out what was happening, we weren’t able to be with him at all, so he died without any of us there, and he hated being on his own, this will haunt me until I go to my grave. Coming out of lockdown for all of us who have suffered this is going to be hard, our lives will never be the same again - please know you are not alone xx Sending hugs xx

Thank you. We all feel so robbed as it wasn’t his time to go. He was due to retire and had so much life in him. I’m so sorry you are going through this aswell. What haunts me is the thought of them telling him he might not make it before he went into ITU. I hate the thought of him being scared. But I will never know. Thank you for your response. I’m really grateful and wish you and your family well. Take care