Don’t know what I’m doing

It’s 18 weeks today since my beloved husband died and I just don’t know what I’m doing.
I was due to start a new job just after he passed - so that was delayed - I’m working now and I go every day as that’s what he would want me to do. My sons and their families are wonderful but ………
I just don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m trying.
I come home to an empty house and the hours I work and mix and interact with others just make the silence and emptiness so much worse.
I’ve always been someone who has been able to self motivate but now I just can’t be bothered.
What’s the point
The feelings of loss just seem to be getting stronger when I’m on my own.
Time just passes ….I seem to spend my time thinking about what I should or could be doing ….but end up doing nothing.
I hate this ….i hate my weakness….I know he would be saying “come on you’ve got this” but I haven’t .
I spent the last 12 years caring for him through his illness while working full time and then the last 5 years I took over the family business and spent every day 24 hrs a day with him and now … he’s gone and I’m alone.
And I don’t know how to go on. :broken_heart:


So sorry you are not alone in these feelings.
That doesn’t make it any better I know.
I am bereaved by 8 weeks
I have a different set of circumstances, I have found trying to meet new people, whilst very painful initially. is essential for me to improve my motivation and it’s working.
I know we will never replace our partners, but a billion people on the planet , surely someone can bring you friendship and comfort in the future. Set yourself a little goal to put your tree roots out and make a new connection.
Sending my best to you. X


Thanks for your response
I’m sorry that you are also in this “club”
I do have good friends that are always there for me
The issue is I just don’t want to “socialise “
After my husbands funeral I seemed to be running to fill every minute with “jobs” and meeting up with people.
I became very good at “acting human”
But now I’m exhausted and have no motivation to do anything or to meet up with anyone.
I’m hoping this is just another part of grief and I will learn who I am again and regain my spark :+1:


I think it will do.
On some mornings it was just pure anger at the situation that got me out of bed and doing things . :heart: Sending my best for your future endeavours!

Hi @Middy I’m almost 15 weeks into my journey and I have felt much worse the last 2 weeks. All you say really resonates with me.
It sounds like you are keeping going and doing well going to work and keeping up with others so I bet you are exhausted.

Im interested that you wonder if it is a stage, and if it is it would make me feel so much better.
I also have friends who have been there for me and still are ( and some who have disappeared) and I have my kids who always make me feel better, but I just can’t shift this slump I’ve been in recently. And I don’t really want to see anyone as I’m so teary. And like you say - what’s the point.

When my husband died I took up new activities as I knew I’d need to expand my life and social circle but I’ve been really struggling to motivate myself and am getting no enjoyment out of them at all, whereas initially they were a good distraction and I did get some joy from them.
I thought it was maybe because we have had a few firsts in the last 2 weeks - our sons birthday, nephews wedding, Father’s Day and my hubbies birthday is coming up in a few weeks.
Am hoping i can try dig myself out as it horrible to feel you are slipping down into a pit of sorrow.
Like you I’m usually good at self motivating - but this feels like I’m climbing Mount Everest in a swimsuit and flip flops.

Keep posting here - I find it helps that others are experiencing similar situations. And be kind to yourself.
Sending strength and hugs xxx


I agree with everything that had been said i went back to work two days a week 3 weeks ago and the first week was good then before that i joined a spa with swimming pool at first loved it now work and going for a swim is such an effort just want to get everything overwith and get home and then im looking at the clock to go to bed with a sleeping pill I’m 10 weeks into this nightmare


So sorry that you’re finding it so tough at the moment.
I wonder if we just get so run down and tired from all our grief that things just get worse. Or the numbness just wears off.

I feel a little bit less bad knowing that I’m not alone in this. Thanks for sharing your experiences - love and strength to us all so we can try to plough through the hard slog of each day at the moment.


Please be kind to yourself.

You are not weak.

You are grieving.

We understand, I promise.

We know the pain and struggles of 18 weeks of bereavement.

We recognise the toll it takes on us mentally and physically.

Sometimes, maybe most of the time,
we don’t know how we’re getting through this.

We hurt because we love.

Take care.

Sending a very big hug.

Rose xx

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Its so difficult to get motivated i find i feel more upset and overwhelmed when i don’t do anything i no sometimes i can’t be bothered but i found this week i was very upset tired and low but wed Thursday and Friday i did my gardens and housework yday i didn’t do anything and just felt so upset i no part of it was due to my neice not willing to help me with dog I’m the same in work if i am on top of things and organised i can cope better with my grief i suppose I’m saying for me its to keep busy but I’m not ready yet to be doing other things like going for a spa and swim that’s too much of an effort for me for now its my home and my dog my safe place sorry for going on


9 weeks for me today. I’ve been quite busy this week and spent yesterday afternoon doing the garden, so thought I was doing ok.
Then last night it hit me all over again. I am completely flat and spent last night staring into space then sobbing. I can’t get motivated at all. Trying not to think about the future as there isn’t one. Feeling very alone this morning and missing him so much.

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I feel exactly the same been out woth dog but just wanted to get home my anxiety feels like its through the roof i feel worse now than in the early days can’t stop crying i feel I’ve got such a long day ahead but don’t want to do anything oh god i miss him so much its unbearable I’ll probably feel better after a good cry i can’t imagine life without him i no I’ve got family and friends nearby but most of the time were all on our own needed this forum today thankyou everyone for your kind words an advice xx

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Thank you Debrat. It is a long day ahead but think I’m just going to allow myself to grieve today. Fed up of trying to pretend I’m coping. I do have family and friends but they’ve got their own lives and contact has dropped off.
I’m too difficult for them to deal with. Actually in some ways I don’t mind as the only company I want ( and ever did) was my partner. We always said it was me and him against the world. Meeting up with others is only a distraction, as I only want to be with him. Missing him so much that it physically hurts. Thinking of you today. Big hugs xx


I feel the same way jody at first your bombarded with phone and text msgs now hardly any yes i agree people can’t cope with us at times they think we should be ok but were an annoyance to them


Yes it’s another day we need to slog on through.
I’m still feeling flat and no motivation.
But have to get up and rally my kids - ones going to work and the other is going on a canyoning trip with her guides.
Neither are motivated either and I’m not sure if we are all feeding off each others sadness or if this is just the next stage of grieving after the shock and numbness fades away.
Wonder what the point is. I haven’t even got back to work yet and wonder if it would help but know I need to be here for my youngest and I’m not stable enough to be able to do my job which is working with teenagers with mental health problems.
I’ve booked for outdoor swimming this afternoon with a friend so maybe that will help. But like you say it’s a distraction.

I’ve started to limit which people I see - although as you say many folk have dropped off 3 months in and have gone back to their daily lives - but even the few friends I meet up with I find I can’t tolerate for long. Just want to hide away as I just want my hubbie back - even just to do nothing with.
My counsellor said it’s really common and normal to want to isolate and that it is ok to do that. sometimes the distractions just make you avoid the pain and unfortunately we can’t avoid that

Perhaps a good mourning day is what we all need. I just never get the space to do that. Xxx


Hi roni52
Thank you for your reply

Having read the responses to my message from others at different points in this journey I do believe it’s just another part of grieving
Another area that we have to navigate

I truly believe that our grief is a reflection of our love - that the truly momentous moments of love that we experienced are now mirrored in the depths that grief takes us - like a mountain of love with an iceberg of grief below - and we just have to push through each moment. - not sure that makes sense to others but it does to me .

Like you it’s my Husband’s birthday in 3 weeks and I know it will be so difficult but as my Sons say “We’ve got this”
Sending love and hugs x


I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you for all who have reached out to me.

I have spent time over the last 18 weeks reading others posts but not feeling able to contribute.

However yesterday felt like a new low and I felt I needed to reach out - and your responses did not disappoint

So thank you and sending Love Hugs and kindness to all who are in this club we call “grief” :heart::heart:


I love your analogy to the iceberg - thats exactly how it is isn’t it.
I swing between telling myself to “get a grip” and then trying to be kinder to myself. I catch myself sometimes unaware and then realise the hugeness of what has happened and wonder how I can keep going on without him. But I must. We all do.
Knowing you’re not alone really helps me.
I’m glad your sons will help you trough your birthday anniversary- my kids are really struggling and I know I need to be strong to get us all through that day.
Has been a lot in the last couple of weeks with my son’s birthday, a family wedding and Father’s Day. I think they were surprised by how hard those days all felt.
Hopefully time and getting through this pain will mean we can build a new life at some point. Xxxx


Hello Middy
I am in the same boat as you so to speak , My wife passed away in February and I’m totally in a loss what to do , I’ve had 8 councelling sessions from the Hospice where she died , I found being able to let all your feelings go and talk about them to someone who is there to support you helped me a lot . Like you my heart breaks when I walk into an empty silent house and my tears start again ,I wish I had the faith to think we’ll be together again but then it’s wishful thinking . Try to get a bit of bereavement counselling. See if that helps you , Stay safe Middy bless you :heart:


Hi Bowdidly1
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me
I have had a referral for counselling and am waiting for the outcome of my assessment.
I am trying to be kind to myself and not too hard when I feel I’m not coping and I hope you are doing the same :heart:
Each day brings new challenges and I want to believe we can face them.
Being able to speak on this forum and getting replies like yours help
Thank you x