27/9/22 my dad died and we wasn’t talking at time of death and because of this I feel like I’m a fake for grieving him.
I also lost my mum 22/10/22 too and even though we got close in the last few months she was in hospital i again feel like a fake.
Both my parents hated my partner and so for 18 years I’ve split myself in half and kept them away from each other but this also made me angry at them so I didn’t have the relationship I always wanted.
I never truly told either of them how much they was sodding my mental health up and that I’d self harmed, drank too much and hated myself.
I’m sorting my mums funeral right now and I’m letting my sister be the main one fir everything even though I’m the eldest.
I feel like no understands or cares about me or how I’m feeling. My sister has had flowers sent to her and I have not had anything to show me that someone is thinking of me.
My partner said something about my family hating just after my dad died and my mum was dying and I rejected him and now feel like he no longer cares even though he has asked if I need food etc but he hasn’t just come around and just hugged me and not let me not let him.
I had cancer last year and had other things go wrong in my life and now I’ve lost both my parents, my children’s other nan died of cancer in may and their great nan 7 days after my mum and my cat also died in July while I was on holiday and yet I feel like everyone thinks it’s ok I can cope and don’t need checking on.
I feel so alone
Sorry if bits of this don’t make sense but my head isn’t working clearly
Peace.kelly
You’ve had many years of trying to keep both parents and yorr partner happy and yet this has affected your mental health, I understand how difficult it is trying to keep everyone happy, how draining it is.
Your partner probably feels guilty in that he didn’t get on with your parents, but a lot of family have strained relationships.
You are grieving, grieving for the loss of your parents and the relationship you and your partner could of had, but unfortunately family relationships break down or burden us with endless difficulties.
Grieving throws a lot of could have, should have, ifs and whys , its part of the grieving process, you have to put you first now. You tried your best, that’s all you could do.
Please don’t feel alone, you have your children and we on this forum understand the pain you are going through.
Sending hugs
Amy x
Oh Amy my love what you have and are going through is horrendous.My heart goes out to you sending all my love.I hope you are able to get some help and support maybe through counselling though appreciate you may have had to go through this in the past.Jump onto forum when you feel like it just to get how you feel down in writing xxxx lots of hugs too xxxx
Thank you for the comments. Sorry I shut off again.
I’m still feeling like the world doesn’t care.
Xmas was hard but I for the first time in years made an effort (my lost babys birthday is around this time) and was feel quite positive. I knew I’d cry at some point but wanted it on my terms.
My step son said something about mums which I took wrong wand burst into tears and screamed at him, which then his dad had ago at me making me feel bad for being sensitive.
Fast forward to three weeks ago when I go see my in laws who I see at family. We was all joking around and I called him a mother’s boy, I wasn’t being nasty but just joking around like they all do.
But what he said to that has broken my heart and us… he replied “well at least I have a mum” which he thought was funny and everyone else laughed too (well that’s what I heard and still do)
Now my reaction was my normal as normally I would of shout at him, swore and walked out. Instead I stopped myself from crying and when he touched my shoulder to I guess say sorry but I said with a voice breaking to leave me alone. He tried three more times to touch me with my moving away.
I didn’t want to spoil time with his parents as I respect them so much and after the cancer love them more than did.
So I calmed down and then joined in which when I addressed him calmly he replied “ oh she is talking to me again”
This was making me feel even more like he doesn’t respect or care that I was hurting.
We came home and I even gave him a kiss goodbye.
That night I cried and all my grief came back and hit me hard so I texted him my feelings and that I didn’t want to see or talk to him.
I have wrote him a letter saying everything on how I feel he treats me and his mouth but not given him it yet.
Last week he texted me and asked if I wanted to go see my best friend who loves miles away ( he was going up there for work and I normally go with him and see her) and I told him I hated him right now and was going nowhere with him. He asked if forever and I said I didn’t know.
He has now given me money for his Xmas present I got him, taken himself off my Amazon account and cancelled all his orders.
Other day I had to get him over to fox my internet but make sure I was in my room so I didn’t see him and he said as left “great seeing you again” but in a nasty way like how dare I feel like I do.
He then retest that he had been abit drunk and was sorry.
This upset me more as he hasn’t actually taken what he did as wrong.
Now I’m depressed and the grief is coming in waves and I can’t stop crying, I’m not sleeping well and not eat right either.