Don't feel included

I am new to this site and hoped it would support me after my husband dying 3 months ago.
I have posted and just get back lots of comments from people to each other who seem to know each other very well.
How do I make contact with people to receive advice and help for me?

Hi pam
Sometimes when you join in on a thread where there is already a conversation taking place, it may seem that the responses are to each other and not you. But this isn’t the case and this site is very supportive and welcoming.
By starting a new thread you have done the right thing and people will chat to you.
Your husband only died 3 months ago. This is no time at all and of course you are still feeling the way you are. My mum died almost 10 months ago and I still have days where I sit and cry. Every day the reality of her being gone hits me the moment I wake up.
If you can, get yourself out for a walk every day as per social distancing guidelines of course and with the weather being so nice, getting out in the garden helps many of us on the site. With regards to ‘moving on’, whoever’s is telling you this is very wrong. You will never move on from this but in time you will learn to live a different life to the one you had and perhaps learn to move forward.
I’m sure lots of people who have lost their husbands or wives will be along to welcome you shortly.
Cheryl x

2 Likes

Hi pam, sorry for the loss of your husband .
When I lost my husband five months, ago I found this site, I spent quite a while reading posts before I had the courage to join. It did seem at first to me that people knew each other well, and was nervous in joining as I’m not on Facebook or anything, so not used to this sort of thing. But as soon as I joined i realised how great the lovely people are on here, everyone can relate to your feelings and I’ve made some lovely friends. You will find that too, keep with us and you will find it helps you greatly, there will always be someone that will reach out
Take care
Steph x

1 Like

Dearest Pam, I am so sorry for your loss and I am sorry too that you don’t feel included. I’ve been on this site for a couple of years now and I have found it a great source of comfort. I lost my amazing husband coming up 3 years in June. I don’t often respond to newcomers because I feel that perhaps my comments won’t be helpful at this starting off of your grief journey, but I couldn’t bear that you should feel the way you do so here I am. However, I do have one huge thing to offer you and all newly bereaved and that is hope. I remember well my early days of grief and I honestly can’t tell you how I’ve come this far. I do know that my husband has been with me every step of the way. I still cry but not every day, not every week even. The most amazing thing is that my love for my man continues to grow. God, how I love that man! :heart: I do have my coping strategies, one of these being writing my journal. I know many on this site do the same. In mine I write to my husband telling him about everyday life, how much I love and miss him. I tell him silly little things which I know would make him smile. Is a journal perhaps something you could do? You’ve mentioned something in another post about your husband’s life, perhaps you could write to him about it. Writing things down really does help.
To give you that hope I mentioned, I can listen to music, I can sing, I can dance, I can smile, laugh. I could do none of those things in the beginning but I do them all now with my husband in my heart. I accept that I can never know pure joy again Pam, but I can know a certain happiness.
My husband died suddenly with no symptoms, no warning. A cardiac arrest. He was a very fit and healthy man, a keen cyclist, hardly ever as much as a common cold but suddenly BANG! Gone in an instant. He had so been looking forward to retirement and it was snatched away. So you see Pam, I owe it to my husband to live my life, a life which has been denied to him. I can’t live without him so I don’t. He’s with me always.
If my words have given you nothing else but hope then I am satisfied that I have given you the best I can.
Sending you love and strength dear Pam. xxxx

2 Likes

Hi @Pam4, firstly I’m so so sorry about your loss. You’ll be sick of hearing that by now, but it’s what people say. I hope you have good support round you, we need to depend on our other loved ones more than ever just now. I know how difficult that can be.
Unfortunately, I have to agree with your post. It’s very daunting for newbies on this site to come on and see ‘friends’ just talking… sometimes almost as normal. For me, I just have to take the good from the site. I’m afraid there’s no real ‘advice’ anyone can give you as each situation is so unique to you and we are all so different when it comes to grief with different relationships it’s hard to know what to say. What I have found helpful, is reading others experiences and taking small things from each post. The biggest thing I can tell you is you are not alone :revolving_hearts: you are not going crazy. You are totally valid in your feelings and thoughts. You are going through trauma and so need to be extremely kind on yourself. Take it minute by minute and don’t put pressure on yourself. No one wants to be here but I’m glad it exists.
Are you getting any sleep? Managing to eat? For the first 3 months after losing my wonderful Dad, I was just in a state of numbness, sorrow, heart break. All of these things were ‘normal’.
5 months on, and I’m not that much different than at the start. Still struggling sleep, struggling to keep my mind busy especially with lockdown. I’m so sorry it’ll affect your planning so much.

I’m sorry I can’t offer you more, but if it’s a listening ear you need to just rant and be honest, my inbox is always open. Take care x

2 Likes

Hi Pam, I am sorry you don’t feel included we do tend to go off on a tangent at times and our conversations all morph into one but we do care and we will give advice and help when you need it. There is always someone on here to chat to, just join a thread you feel will be of use to you. It can be a bit of a free for all sometimes :roll_eyes: remember if there is someone who’s story you resonate with then you can always private message them. It is only three months since you lost your Husband and you will still be suffering shock and disbelief. It has been 5 months for me & I honestly do not know how I am still here and getting up every morning but I am. This lockdown does not help as you feel even more isolated without physical contact from family and friends. All I can say is try and fill your days and do what you need to do to get through this. Take the advice the others have given you as we all know exactly how you are feeling as we have all been there :disappointed_relieved: As Steph said stick with us you will connect with some amazing people, this site has been my saviour especially on my darker days.
V xx

3 Likes

I’m new to this site also - I found it by accident.
I lost my wife of 48years a year ago last January. I was feeling very down, and looking for a bit of support, or ideas about how to cope. And I understand what you mean about not seeming to be included in a group of old friends.
But, I have found a lot of comfort in just reading other people’s comments about their situation: it tells me that my feelings are shared by a lot of others, and I don’t feel so odd.
And because I am further along than some other people, I have been pleased to be able to offer a bit of advice to them.
So keep reading the posts, and you will find others who are similarly situated, and who have found ways to make it more bearable. I hope that helps.

3 Likes

Hi @Pam4,

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t felt included in conversations on the site. It is true that there are people here who have been using the site for a while and know each other well, so there will naturally be some chat backwards and forwards between them on some conversations.

However, some of the other users have made some really helpful points here about the difference between starting your own conversation and replying to others - if you start a conversation yourself, you will normally get supportive replies focused on you and your story. If you reply to a conversation started by someone else, then the conversation will tend to be focused on supporting the person who started it, and if you are one reply among many, you may not get as many personal responses directly to you.

I can see that most of your posts so far have been replies to conversations started by others. However, you did start a conversation yourself here: Scared and lonely. - all the replies to this are directed at you and look very supportive.

Our community guidelines ask people to be respectful and supportive and try to stay on topic, which generally means focusing on the issue raised by the original poster who started the conversation (although sometimes conversations wander naturally and with the original poster still participating, which is fine).

If you need some help on the difference between starting a conversation and reply to one, you can check out our help section, where there are step-by-step instructions:
How to start a new conversation
How to reply to a conversation

Or, if that doesn’t help, you can email online.community@sueryder.org and I will do my best to talk you through it.

Hi Pam, I would say keep posting. The more you do the more likely you’ll feel included.
Sometimes, posts do not get a reply, but that does not mean that what you’ve written has not be read and pondered upon.
Keep posting. Take care. x

1 Like
Back to top