Scared and lonely.

I thought I was an independent individual. Not so since my husband Graham died in Dec. 2019 in his sleep. So unexpected as he was a fit man and died from an undetected gastric ulcer and chest infection which he seemed to be recovering from.
I have additional things to cope with from shock from financial problems and his private world over the years, unbeknown to me.
I am stuck in a circle of not being able to start to grieve because of so many unanswered questions and anger with him for leaving me in such a state. I cared for him in so many ways and supported him for many years in him gaining qualifications to do his demanding job but he was a detached/private individual and didn’t respond very much emotionally but I know he loved me very much in his own way. I miss him more than I can say and feel destroyed by this.

I have no confidence in my judgement of myself or of others now. I know that I go on about this to people who will listen and they are fed up with me. I have been told to move on and this is history.
I feel weak and embarrassed with how I am dealing with this because of being told that I have so much going for ne in the future and to be grateful.
As a counsellor and caring friend to others I have not looked out for myself. The '‘friends’ have faded away and don’t want to be involved. We were always there for them through thick and thin. This was before Corina virus started and it will become worse because of their problems now.
I do not have children and my family view me as a liability going by their words, attitude and behaviour. To have lost faith in others and my judgement of others has shattered me and I am scared of being on my own to cope with things.
I was married for 45 years to Graham, prior to that I was married for 6 years to another man and before that aI lived at home. I have never been on my own and been alone with the responsibility of looking after myself but I have to now.
I am new to this site and will need help please in using it, so any suggestions along the way will be appreciated.

Hi. Pm. It’s so very difficult to put into words how you feel, but you have done well in coming on here. I too was a counsellor and I also have problems coping. Dishing out good advice to others is easy when we are in a good place. Doing it when we are not is not so easy.
Try not to worry about so called ‘friends’ moving away. It happened to me and I now know who my friends are. I have made some caring friends since my wife died. You know Pam, it’s early days for you and grief will come. When it does allow emotions to come, never ‘bottle up’ emotions. They can turn in on you and make you physically ill. You will cry a lot no doubt. It’s OK, it’s fine. Tears often bring a little relief. Losing confidence and your ability to talk to others and your embarrassment is normal in grief. Nothing you have said in your post is abnormal. Honest Pam, I do know.
Try not to judge. Everyone goes about bereavement in a different way, and while outside appearances may seem at odds with that, so often people grieve internally.
As for using this site, you just come on and unload whenever you want. There are always people here who will listen and help. It’s what it’s about.
I too have never been alone. It’s something I never even thought about. But then we don’t do we? We have to have trust in others and faith in the fact that everything passes. You will never forget but the pain does ease.
Try and live day by day for the moment. Even hour by hour. And take care of yourself physically. So many in grief tend to neglect themselves.
It won’t be easy for a while. After nearly eighteen months I still have spells of feeling down. It’s going to happen and I accept that is so.
Blessings and keep posting.

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Jonathon123 your post is spot on it’s very comforting I’ve cried I didn’t want to get out of bed for 2 weeks but dragged myself out it was hard very very hard I’m now feeling anger is that normal xx

so sorry for your loss its extremely hard when we lose someone to adjust to a new way of life on our own, friends come and go and after a while completely disappear I’m grateful for the two widow groups I joined who know what we are going through WAY UP for all and JDs for ladies this can be found on google if you haven’t heard of them. Sue.

hi Pam
very sorry for your loss.
As usual when Johnathan responds, He covers all bases and gives the best possible advice help etc.
it may help a tad reading through some posts on this wonderful site,write anything you feel helps you,there are many of us on the site who have a good idea of what you are going through,some have found ways to cope,others are struggling every day.its only been a few months for you on this journey of grief,wish I could tell you things get easier and all will be a few on here im just existing and taking each minute hours day week as it comes.
and what helps one may not help another,as some talking about there inner feelings helps a little,we as others knowing that they are not alone ,that others are going through exactly the same emotions is a little comfort.just know that we as a community have several very helpful caring members who will try help as best they can.sadly ,nothing is going be easy,but we are here to try offer a little comfort and support.
hopefully you will get a little comfort from joining this very wonderful site.
regards ian

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