I thought I was an independent individual. Not so since my husband Graham died in Dec. 2019 in his sleep. So unexpected as he was a fit man and died from an undetected gastric ulcer and chest infection which he seemed to be recovering from.
I have additional things to cope with from shock from financial problems and his private world over the years, unbeknown to me.
I am stuck in a circle of not being able to start to grieve because of so many unanswered questions and anger with him for leaving me in such a state. I cared for him in so many ways and supported him for many years in him gaining qualifications to do his demanding job but he was a detached/private individual and didn’t respond very much emotionally but I know he loved me very much in his own way. I miss him more than I can say and feel destroyed by this.
I have no confidence in my judgement of myself or of others now. I know that I go on about this to people who will listen and they are fed up with me. I have been told to move on and this is history.
I feel weak and embarrassed with how I am dealing with this because of being told that I have so much going for ne in the future and to be grateful.
As a counsellor and caring friend to others I have not looked out for myself. The '‘friends’ have faded away and don’t want to be involved. We were always there for them through thick and thin. This was before Corina virus started and it will become worse because of their problems now.
I do not have children and my family view me as a liability going by their words, attitude and behaviour. To have lost faith in others and my judgement of others has shattered me and I am scared of being on my own to cope with things.
I was married for 45 years to Graham, prior to that I was married for 6 years to another man and before that aI lived at home. I have never been on my own and been alone with the responsibility of looking after myself but I have to now.
I am new to this site and will need help please in using it, so any suggestions along the way will be appreciated.