hi all. not been on for a while, last week was my Everest week. every year at this time is a 3 day thing for me. sam crashed on the 11th. spent 2 days on life support before he finally went. for me its always the biggest hurdle of the year {hence the Everest reference} . that week/date always out trumps all the other dates. birthdays Christmas,s ect ect. the last few years I seemed to have managed quite well. but for some reason this year it hit me like a tornado. I really struggled . got drunk a few times. thought about my boy more in depth than usual. all of those thoughts come to mind. what would he be doing now ? how far up the ladder would he be in his job ? where would he be living? all the usual things you would think about. I was actually quite shocked at how bad it affected me this year. but grief does that to you. its a bully. it does,nt take into consideration your feelings or how well you are doing, it does,nt care if you are stronger than you were. it will come along and try showing you whos boss.
I got the opportunity to go and stay with a family member who lives in a little cottage by the sea in Angelsey . the idea being to clear my head and get away from it all. the location was fantastic. I spent a couple of days walking round little villages and taking the dog on forest and beach walks. but regardless of where I went that big black shadow hovered over me. trying to bring me down. it nearly beat me like the big bully that it is, so much so that I cut my break short and came home. I did,nt want to be a black cloud to the family members I was staying with. you don’t like to bring others down. obviously they don’t know whats going on in your head as you try to keep it locked away.
I had kept myself busy and not really interacted on this site until today. but I feel a lot better for doing so. The reason, well the reason is , I read lots of posts and people are doing stuff. doing things that we were,nt capable of doing at certain points. we all know how truly debilitating it can be in the early days weeks and months. people telling you. you must eat something!!! and all you can think of is, I wonder how easy it would be to drink myself to death. or people say to you. " come on , get dressed, lets go out and get some fresh air , it will make you feel better" REALLY!!! you think going out will make me feel better.
I read messages on this site and regardless what you are doing. just getting out of bed. to looking after grandchildren. or taking little trips away. or going to the docs for help. or even meeting people off this site. its all positive steps. ive been there and wanted to drink myself to death or throw myself under a bus. but I don’t now!!!. that’s a win in my book. I don’t have any other children. I did,nt stay alive for them. I kept going for me. I might not have the complete life I used to have. but I know one thing. my boy will be proud I kept going. it was hard at times really hard. I read posts on here and it reminds me just how hard it is. but there are better days ahead, believe me. you might not think so but there are. I miss my boy so much , I think about him every single day. but in the beginning, the black clouds would linger for months on end, with not a single sign of the sun ever coming back. but now when the black clouds appear. after a day or two i can tell them to F$%$% OFF. grief doesn’t beat me. I beat grief
ok thanks for listening. jim
Wow Jim,
You must have known I needed someone today. I’m very, very low…just a blubbering wreck. I’m not fit to write in depth just now but will do later on. My head is usually a little more settled by late afternoon…mornings are just for crying these days.
You give me hope though…everyone of your posts give me hope.
Thank you so much…Sue xxx
Hi sue. If you need to cry mate. You need to cry. I’ve done plenty. For you at this stage it definitely is groundhog day. You can’t see the horizon yet!!! You will though one day. I see people’s posts on hear and it takes me rite back. I wish I could tell you something that makes it easier. I know you miss your son like there is no other pain like it. All you can do at this point is keep going. Eventually you will be able to start to functioning again.
Try not to be to hard on yourself. If crying and a drink gets you through the day. Then that’s absolutely fine.
Jim
Funnily enough Jim my partner is driving us around to see my sister and brother in law right now. So I’ve put my bottle of gin in the bag to take with me.
You do help though with your posts.
Once again I read it out to my partner…almost got through it all without crying…almost.
Hearing you talk about your son makes me cry for him, for my son and all the others on this site that are feeling this awful pain.
This morning I woke up with the usual palpitations and feeling of loss. I tried to go back to sleep so played a video on YouTube of Mudlarking…just the sound of the voices helps me drift off, if I’m lucky.
Today I found myself thinking…" Me and Andrew could do that if we applied for a permit. He’d love it"
Then of course reality kicked in.
Walking with the dog on Anglesey sounds lovely. I tried having a walk along the beach last weekend but seeing all the young men in shorts and sunglasses was just too heartbreaking. Next walk will be somewhere remote, no people, no reminders. Although just walking in the countryside will be a constant reminder of our metal detecting days.
I hope you’re having a more peaceful day today Jim.
Love Sue xxx
Dear Sue and Jim
I’m so sorry you are both having a grim time at the moment. You are so raw Sue - your Andrew passed so recently, the day before my Katherine’s funeral, of course you are hurting so badly. And Jim, you have helped us all with your wise and perceptive comments, so it’s sad you’ve been hit so hard this year at Sam’s anniversary, but as you say it won’t beat you, you won’t let it. Sam must be so proud of you.
Love to you both and all friends here, Ann
Thank you Ann,
Your caring words are also always a comfort to me. I knew you lost your daughter Katherine very recently too…I think I remember reading in your posts that her funeral was very close to the date that Andrew died.
This grief…it’s indescribable isn’t it?
I realise now how incredibly lucky I’ve been to reach the age of 67 without ever knowing this kind of pain. I’m so lucky that until now I’ve never known what depression feels like. In my happy bubble of life with my 2 healthy sons, my caring partner, mother still alive at 91 and all my other family I never saw this horror looming on the horizon. I’m not saying life was perfect…I’m still working, still have a mortgage until I’m 74 but I’d happily have worked until I’m 94 if I could have Andrew back…just for a day.
I used to say I felt like I could burst with happiness when the sun was shining and I was out detecting with Andrew …now I feel like I could dissolve with sadness.
Thank you all for being here for each other and me…thank you…Sue xxxx
Good day Ann you are so supportive to everyone on the site.
I have posted in different places and I am still trying to navigate. I don’t remember reading your story which I probably did, but at the time I probably was wrapped up in my own painful feelings. I would like to know your story if you would like to share.
I first posted on 31 March, on ‘loss of my son aged 27’.
Briefly, my daughter had a bad cancer. I was terrified, it was usually a killer, but she seemed to be lucky and an op without further treatment seemed to have caught it. I could never let the worry go completely but she had ten years of good health, and only when she went for a final scan, when she was expecting to be finally signed off, it was found to have spread. That was three years ago. She had treatment but never fully recovered. Over the last year her condition deteriorated, though she was unbelievably brave, I now realise just how courageous she was. She didn’t let anyone know how bad it was, and was so positive.
In her last month she went into hospital, ringing me on the morning to tell me she’d had an upset stomach but it was nothing to worry about and didn’t want anyone to go with her.
The news sadly was very bad. In a month she was gone. She came home briefly but then went into hospice, which was what she wanted.
She had a long term partner (no children) who she married in the hospice on 24th Feb, and she passed on 9th March.
I wanted to let her go because she had had enough, she was worn out. I didn’t want to let her go because I wanted her to be as she had been, my beautiful healthy Katherine.
Now I just try to remember the love we had, the joy she brought to me and others, and the gratitude I feel that she came into my life and family, which can never be taken away,
Oh Ann as I read this I have tears falling I am so sorry for your losses. In the short time that I’ve been on here you have been an inspiration to me. This brings tears to my eyes because I know the pain you are enduring. May peace find you and keep you.
Yes Ann I second Racys words…you always have such kind and caring words for everyone and you’ve been through so much yourself. I’m grateful for the fact that Andrew was never ill although sometimes I think so WHY did he die?
We still don’t have the results back from the blood and tissue samples, still don’t know what happened. I torture myself with wondering if I did the CPR wrong when I found him and maybe I actually killed him. It’s a nightmare not knowing but I’m so frightened to hear the results.
Love Sue xxxx
Sue, you did everything you could, in the best way you knew how to. You weren’t able to do any more, but we mums always think we should have done more, known better, had some sort of superhuman ability to work miracles. But we are just ordinary mortals who would do any thing to change things, take the place of our child, but we can’t. We all have the same grief, different stories: sudden shocking loss, lingering illness, accident, taking own life . . .of a child of any age . . .a child with children of their own . . an only child .
more than one child . . .such awful awful events. The thing that is so so wrong is that none of our beloved children should have gone before us.
So let us love them forever as we always have. And send love to each other here
Beautiful words as always Ann.
Yes love to everyone here…we deserve it and lots and lots of love to our lost children. We’ll always love them and hold them in our hearts for the rest of our lives.
Sue xxxx
We never new we would loose them. It wasn’t part of the remit. It hurts like f####. . but we are the ones that have to carry on. We have carry on for the son’s n daughters we lost. Fight it people. We need carry on for the sake of those we lost. Sorry peeps am drunk
Dear Jim, you are so right in what you said. Losing a child is a battle. In the early days we battle to get out of bed, fight to stay alive ourselves and then battle to keep going every day. Hopefully we gradually win but it is a hard won fight and we are left with scars. I used to count the hours to a respectable time when I could have a glass of wine and that was my reward for getting through the day … still is some days. But we are still standing and we can live our lives to honour our precious children. Much love to you xxx
Thank you Victoria. Yes it is so I hard. I genuinely think everyone on this site is absolutely courageous. A giant. Is so easy to crumble and fall. To give up!!! But somehow
or other we keep going. It’s damn near impossible some days. But we do it . Jim.
