Don't know what to do x

Hi
Need some advice please. I lost my lovely mum 7 months ago, she died on my birthday in October in intensive care, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be without her at this time in my life. I miss her everyday. I changed my job in February to work there 7 weeks and then we were furloughed. I’m on my 8th week of furlough now, I’m very lucky to be able to stay at home during this difficult time and get paid but it’s more time for my mind to keep going over everything. I’m used to working full time, the thing is I went to my doctor not long after losing mum to be told there was no help where we live due to funding. If this was normal times I would be returning to my doctor to tell them I can’t cope but it’s pointless calling them all the feelings are put down to this virus which I understand will make anyone feel anxious. I cry every day, but plaster a smile on for my children, I constantly go over the last time I saw her, her time in hospital, consultant meetings telling us there was no hope, why didn’t I push them to try something else ( I know there was nothing else they could do) the funeral, did we do what she wanted ( never discussed) . I’m 45 but feel like a little lost girl not knowing what to do, where to go.

1 Like

Hi michelle
I could pretty much have written your post. Last June when I was 48 I lost my mum aged 74 to a sudden brain haemorrhage. The shock was so great I’m probably still in it. I lived with my mum and we were best friends. She was supposed to go on till she was 90 and I could retire in 5 years time and spend every day together.
I also pretend I’m ok for my daughters sake. She is 13 and is still badly affected by the sudden death of her beloved nan.
I had 6 sessions of bereavement counselling in November but they didnt help. I think the only thing that would help would be mum coming back.
My partner would like me to go on anti depressants because I still cry every day but I really dont want to as I’m frightened I will never come off.
Being in lockdown has definitely made things worse. I’m not furloughed but working from home and I just miss mums presence here so much. When I’m out commuting and working I only really sleep and eat at home so mums loss is felt so much.
I still cant believe it as I’m sure you cant. Talking on this site certainly helps and I dony know what I would have done without my group of friends that I chat to on a daily basis.
I also question everything. Mum went to hospital for a minor operation but suffered a severe bleed on the brain whilst chatting away in the recovery room. I will never understand why. She had so many years left to enjoy. Or so I thought.
I cant really help much I just wanted you to know you are far from alone.
Cheryl x

Hi to you both, it’s very difficult losing a mum that you love so dearly and the thoughts you both have are really quite normal. As a society we don’t discuss grief or to that matter death, so when we are affected by it we don’t know what to expect plus we are all different so there’s no road map. Yes, GPS will very often prescribe antidepressant and that’s fine for some people but please read the leaflet in the box before you take one. Some GPS may have access to a counsellor which is a safer way of going, you can try Cruse but like everything there’s a waiting list and at present it’s by phone or Zoom and we have counsellor’s onhere. keeping busy is also one thing that does help and as you both know there’s lots on here who have or are going through the same. Now you have found each other I am sure you will keep in contact which may be the best at present with all the difficulty we are going through. I feel you are both very brave for posting in the first place and I am sure it will have helped already. Grieving is hard both physically and mentally and that goes for any age, with the virus hanging over us, life is not that brilliant. Keep chatting and exchanging how things. We are always here for you. Blessings to you both, keep smiling. S

Thank you for replying Cheryl, I put something on here last year when lost mum and I think you replied then too. It does help to hear you’re not alone in your thoughts and feelings, I feel friends etc think as time goes on you’re feeling a lot better but I still feel the same as I did then, try to talk myself round every day to cheer up for want of a better word but I can’t. I keep busy every day making sure I have something to do, or a long walk which I’ve just done with my son. I’ve never taken medication and I don’t think I want to but it’s tiring constantly feeling like this but I also don’t want to be dumbed down. We are still waiting for inquest results which will have been put on hold now, its like I’m craving answers but what will that do? Waiting for her headstone to be made, again everything put on hold it’s so frustrating. Thanks again x

Hi Michelle and Cheryl, I wonder if you saw the report last week from a psychiatrist stating that medical staff involved with covid patients should receive timely and ongoing trauma counselling to avoid long term mental health problems. It should be available for up to a year if necessary and they should be prioritized in the waiting lists.
Whilst I don’t doubt for one moment that covid has catapulted many staff into horrendous and distressing situations, I did wonder why no mention was made of the patients and relatives who also will have been traumatized beyond belief.
Following the very sudden death of my husband seven months ago today I can empathize fully with the shock and ongoing disbelief you are both experiencing. It’s indescribable.
I arrived at the a&e department of the hospital in the early hours of the morning following a phone call from a policeman who said he thought my husband had suffered a stroke and to get there asap. I was away at the time and had a three hour taxi journey to endure. During that nightmare journey I just kept hoping my husband wouldn’t be permanently affected and was going over and over how we would manage his rehabilitation. When I arrived at the hospital my elder son greeted me with a shake of the head and it was at that momen I changed forever. My husband had suffered a sudden cardiac arrest not a stroke andhad died immediately. The policeman had been kind knowing that it was better for me to travel in hope than in despair and I am really grateful to him for giving me at least three hours of hope.
What happened thereafter however was a catalogue of horrors which has had profound and lasting effects on both my sons and me. Had we been treated with even a modicum of compassion I feel we would be coping better than we are at present. At no point did I feel that any of the medical staff we encountered had any grasp of what we had witnessed and the enormity of the disaster that had befallen our family. For them it was just another death to process.
This continued with our GP. Once she knew none of us was suicidal and that box had been ticked we were left to our own devices to sink or swim as best we could. I still don’t understand why anti depressants are prescribed for grief. Having access to someone who could talk us through what had happened to my husband and indeed why would have been far more help. There was never any communication between the hospital and our GP and it was left to us entirely to pursue the cause of death. Had I taken the antidepressants I would never have had the mindset required to deal with medical authorities. If a GP isn’t trained in bereavement and its complications then they should refer to someone who is. So many questions follow the death of a loved one and time should be found to deal compassionately with all the whys and what ifs. It’s no wonder we still feel lost and dazed. We have all lost someone loved beyond measure and integral to our very being.
I came across this forum quite by chance and I am so grateful to have found it.
Thinking of you

  • List item

Hi I’ve just had a long, tearful conversation with my partner, like walking through sludge every day putting a face on, it’s even harder with the covid situation everyone at home, worrying about jobs etc. I was just getting so desperate to stop feeling like this that I thought anti depressants, never had medication before but realistically it’s not going to help me through grief. I am lucky to have the support I have but I’m just so angry that my mum had to die, she had so much to live for and I miss her so much it hurts. Same as you no communication between hospital and gp, the place my mum had been constantly asking for help, them trying things that didn’t help to her finally taking herself off to A&E to then in the space of 4 days end up in intensive care with sepsis and pancreatitis. I’m sorry for your loss, you didn’t get to say goodbye I feel for you, and it’s talking on s place like this that makes you realise you’re not alone in your feelings and you’re not going crazy. It’s a cruel world and so very unfair x

1 Like

Hi jobar
I’m sorry for the awful experience when you lost your husband. I’ve been through this with my dad too. Sudden massive heart attack in bed one morning. My mum only went to get him a cup of tea and when she came back 10 minutes later he was gone. It was nearly 22 years ago and I will never forget a second of it. It’s a wonder we get through life with so much trauma, shock and upset.
Thinking of you too.
Cheryl x

Hi Jobar and Michelle
I am sorry to hear about both of your losses.

Jobar - Just reading about what happened to your husband and how difficult it must be for you and your son who was with him.
I also lost my dad to a sudden cardiac arrest. You become a shell of a person that you once were for quite sometime. I am at 11 months and I still cant wrap my mind around it. Its an instant off switch which makes it more incredulous.
I am sorry that the medical folks made it worse for you and your family.
We just take things day by day and one day we find ourselves coping with no clue how we got from where we were to where we are going.
Cheryl has been a good friend to me over these many months.
So sorry that we all find ourselves here.
Warmly,
Ell

Hi Ell,
Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful response to my post and I am sorry about the devastating loss of your father so suddenly. Your description of becoming a shell of a person says it all and it happens in an instant. As you say, something switches off. I feel as if I have totally lost my sense of direction. None of us know how we get from day to day. The empathy I have found on this forum has been invaluable. Thank you again , it really helps.
Take care
Jobar

1 Like

Hi Michelle, the world is indeed a very cruel and unfair place. I am so sorry about your mum and the circumstances surrounding her passing. Losing someone so vital is disorientating and having unanswered questions makes the unbearable even worse.
We just need someone to help us make sense of it all. So much easier said than done.
Take care

Hi Cheryl,
Thank you for your kind response to my post. I felt I could empathize so much with your experience and that of Michelle in that you are both suffering from the disbelief and overwhelming ongoing grief that follows a sudden and unexpected death. It’s the added torture of unanswered questions that I could relate to.
I am so sorry that you have suffered this horror first with your dad and then your mum. None of us know how we survive our losses and why life is so cruel . We’re all broken just trying to support each other.
Take care
Jobar