I lost my companion/best friend of over thirty years in early December. We didn’t marry or live together (I had a messy divorce forty years ago which meant I tend to put up barriers). He died suddenly - in his mid sixties - without any warning. A massive stroke. On the anniversary of my father’s death. Since then, three colleagues have died and a family member. Always thought that i was strong & resilient but am now a shivering, blubbing wreck. I’ve lost half a stone, can’t sleep & struggle with food. The adrenaline in my body makes me feel like my veins are full of fizzy pop. He’s long said that he wanted a direct cremation so there was no closure (although I’m organising a ‘leaving do’ for his friends - do hope that that helps us all). I strongly believe that he’s OK as I’ve had numerous ‘things’ happen around me (not a medium but have had ‘stuff’ from those close to me over the years). So why am I so lost? The pain is indescribable & I can’t see there being any future - never mind ever feeling happy again. Help!!!
KitKat13, I am so sorry to hear of your sudden loss of your long time companion and best friend before Christmas, all my sympathies to you at this time. To endure this loss on he anniversary of your Father’s passing too, the poignance must be so great. A family member since and colleagues. That’s a burden of loss. My best friend and life partner only married last year following his devastating diagnosis. I am an old fashioned woman and always wanted him to ask me. We didn’t really see it as necessary or bringing anything more to the love we already had but I think, possibly we may have done privately and romantically. He/was is, a romantic. Unlike yourself, I was never really strong and resilient, my beloved took care’ of me and everything and now conversely to you in some sense I don’t know who I am anymore’. I am constantly unable to exhale which sounds akin to your fizzy pop veins. You have come the right’ place, to a band of people who truly understand from first hand experience so please keep posting here. Much of what you read will resonate I’m sure, as it has and continues to for me. Yes, the pain is indescribable and the future seems unfathomable. Help and support is what we need and a road map to navigate. I am relieved you believe he’s ok, as I need that reassurance. Your things’ that happen around you, I hope they are a comfort. I tell my beloved daily come to me waking or sleeping’… Help is here on this forum and always a listening ear.
The bits of paper the legal stuff doesn’t matter together you were a whole and now you are half and feeling that loss not just of him but yourself too. Be kind to yourself. Put structure into your day. I’m two years on and life is ok. Our dog gave me structure initially I had to get up to let him out, had to shop feed him walk him. I went back to work after couple of weeks the routine helped.
I’m pondering what retirement will be . Our plans changed drastically when he became disabled but we were together. I’m now pondering picture of retirement alone. I know I need to make the effort to join groups activities to fill gap if I finish work. It’s all tiring an effort alone but he would want me to live my life to the full.
Thank you.
Just finding the energy to consider the options is a major problem.
I hope you are ok KitKat13. It’s early days for you as it is for me. I’m just coping by living day to day and not thinking too far into the future as that is too triggering for me. When I take time to think I cry. I’m just trying to keep myself occupied but finding it difficult to get interested in anything. I’ve made contact with local bereaved people who have meet ups. This might help you and I prefer it to one to one counselling.
Thankyou. Somehow, I’ve become a bit of a recluse - going for weeks without crossing the doorstep. Feels a bit like lockdown when it felt odd to be out. Am worried , therefore, about making a fool of myself tomorrow,. Because he didn’t want a funeral, I’ve organised an informal get together for some of his friends and I’m terrified of breaking down. My Facebook memories came up a beautiful song yesterday - ends up with the words ‘remember you will never be alone’. that’s had me in floods of tears… IAs you say, though - it is early days - fourteen weeks for me. Is it the same for you - are we both at the same stage?
Hi. Firstly don’t worry about making a fool of yourself. Everyone will understand. I found that at my wife’s funeral I found an inner strength that once I got to the wake I managed much to my surprise that I coped. It’s 12 weeks since she went into hospital. 7 weeks since she died and 3 weeks since the funeral. We aren’t too far apart in the process.
Songs and photos are impossible for me.
Part of my fear is that a few of those coming are the likes of his colleagues & they don’t really know me (or I know them). Perhaps they won’t be too critical. One person worries me, in particular, as he’s turned previous events into a bit of a side show. We don’t want drama, (or him setting me off) so I’ve asked a friend’s husband to rein him in if he goes too far.
You are going through a terrible time. Please try not to worry about what might happen. I’d hope and expect everyone to be sympathetic and supportive of you. Give yourself the opportunity to take time out or even leave early if you need to. You say you’ve hardly been out. I’ve had to force myself out but fortunately I’ve had to get up in the morning because I have a dog. My natural default would have been to hide away but my sons have been looking after me and some of my wife’s close friends have had coffees with me.
I’ve also had jobs where I’ve had to take the lead and I don’t recognise what I am at the moment.
Let us know how it goes and keep posting.
Thank you. I was really nervous beforehand but it actually went pretty well. Sounds like your family & friends are giving you back up, which is good.
I’m pleased it went better than you expected. That inner strength comes from somewhere.