Don't want to do anything

I lost my husband on 19th September last year. I’m bumbling through the admin but I really don’t want to do anything these days. I have my children and grandchildren supporting me but when I’m in my home with doors locked I just sit and mope. My husband would be upset as he was always on the go. He was taken ill in December 2022 and we battled his ill health together for 10 months. I cared for him 24/7. I feel guilty too as we had planned a midweek break away in September which he couldn’t do as he was in hospital once again with a complication. However he, and his doctors, urged me to go myself to recharge my batteries. The doctors had planned to discharge him the following week. So I went away for a 4 day break. Sadly my husband took an serious unexpected turn for the worse on day 2. I rushed back to the hospital and although the doctors said 2-3 days, he lived another 7 days. He was unconscious for the last 3 days but I can’t help feeling if I’d not gone away the outcome may have been different. Could I have spotted a sign the nurses missed? I know it’s illogical. He even caught out his doctor who had not foreseen this complication - hence told me to go away to get a break.


My partner passed December 12th at 50 years of age. There has been so many things l question myself about the night he died. Huge amounts of guilt with it. I’m torturing myself with it so I understand how you feel xx


My husband was diagnosed with cancer (2nd time) in January 2023 and was very ill during the chemotherapy treatment which hospitalised him in July and ultimately he deteriorated and died on 2nd September. All the time, the doctors said that he would pull through when several infections set in.
After him being ill for nearly a year in all, like your husband, I still think we are left “in shock”. Naturally, we feel as if we could have done more ourselves but I have come to terms with all the problems and accept that I could not have done more. Be kind to yourself.

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I hope this guilt passes but I’m so caught up in it at the moment it’s becoming overwhelming. He was also due to come home and was getting better so the shock of losing him is devastating x

Thank you for your understanding. At least I know I’m not alone in this feeling. I’m so glad for this forum where we can all support each other.

Thanks Bramley. Yes you are right, I should not blame myself, after all his doctors didn’t expect ihim to die just yet. Still it just reiterates how fragile the human body is. My husband was 77 and we’d been together for 50 years. I will make a concerted effort to do more to get out and look ahead as I know he wouldn’t want me to mope like this.

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My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly last Christmas. He was 53 years old. I tried to save him with CPR until the paramedics arrived. He died of undiagnosed kidney Cancer which was in both kidneys and a saddle pulmonary embolism. I feel guilty for not noticing that my husband was ill and had lost weight. I did get him down the doctor’s 3 weeks previously but was to late. Just wish I notice. Xx

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I’m sorry for your loss. I’m realising that it wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t your fault Hazel 1966. Sadly we cannot turn back the clock but even if we could, I doubt the outcome would be any different. We have to get over this hurdle and move on for the sake of our departed ones who I’m sure would not be blaming us for what happened to them. My husband had a ruptured aortic artery in December 2022 but that was repaired, much to his surgeons surprise. They thought he wouldn’t survive the massive surgery, but he did. Many complications arise over 10 months but he finally succumbed to a massive rectal bleed and heart failure.

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@Retired2 thank you for your reply and that you are going through this journey as well. It sounds like your husband went through the mill. Life is certainly unfair and cruel. I hope that you have got support from family and friends. I have been told that blaming yourself and feeling guilty is apart of grief. I feel guilty because I propone my husband CT scan by 3 days not realising that it was a urgent referral. He had just started a new job and I changed it to the weekend. He died of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and undiagnosed kidney cancer which was in both kidneys. Take care xx

Hi Hazel
So sorry for your loss. You must take some comfort that the 3 day delay would have made no difference. I was in a similar position with my partner but realised that probably it was too late when it was diagnosed . It’s that feeling of helplessness that cuts and seeing her in pain and not being able to help. My heart and thoughts go out to you but try and take some comfort that 3 days made no difference x

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