Double trouble

I lost my husband of 50 years in January, 2012. Four years later, I met a lovely man and I had two and a half wonderful years with him. He was taken from me, suddenly, in April 2018.
He died in my arms from a heart attack. He was a big, strong healthy (looking) man and I had no idea that he had CVD. He was in denial. Whilst still grieving for him, my eldest son succumbed to renal cell carcinoma. The end was sudden and not expected - he had been doing well. How can I carry on with this overwhelming grief that is engulfing my life? I am in total despair.

Hello Nichiranda. I can’t begin to imagine how traumatized you must be feeling. I can empathize with your feelings of pain following the loss of your partner because I had a similar experience. If you feel so desperately unwell emotionally tell your Dr you just can’t wait and are there any alternatives. You’ve been through so much and I imagine cumulative grief calls for a more specialised approach although I know nothing about that from experience (just yet). Email or call the Samaritans if need be, sometimes it helps just, just a tiny bit. Sending compassionate thoughts.

Hello again, I just clicked onto one of your previous posts from your profile view and it was actually a reply to me, that’s a bit uncanny as I didn’t recall your name. My Husband was a musician too. Keep going and please don’t suffer in silence if you feel you need counselling sooner rather than later. Although some GP’s are really good I don’t think they pick up that well on signs that some people who are bereaved may go on to have a degree of complicated grief - and they should be aware I feel. I’m not saying you are experiencing complicated grief, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just speaking generally. Love to you and kind regards.

good morning Tina, thank you for your kindness. I am currently having counselling sessions with one of the counsellors on this site. She is wonderful but I don’t think even she knows how deep the hurt goes. How could she? My daughter in law came over from Canada, where they lived, to sort my son’s financial affairs, and stayed here for six weeks. Because I had not seen my son for four years, and because I had been helping her with her own grief, it did not really sink in until after she had returned to Canada. Then it hit me like a tsunami and now I feel I am drowning in grief. I have been up since 4am. Sleep eludes me. I am seeing my GP today but don’t see what he can do other than prescribe antidepressants. I am not depressed, I am sad!!

PS - I am also struggling with guilt because I did not fly to Canada to visit my son when he was first diagnosed with renal cancer. My late partner had a morbid fear of flying and I had been left with intractable vertigo and chronic back pain, following a devastating illness in 2014 which had entailed a four month stay in hospital, and I did not feel I could manage the journey alone. Why am I still here? I was told I was at death’s door in 2014 but I survived and for what? To endure this awful grief? Where is God? I would willingly have swapped places with my son…