Dreadful New Year

Following a horrible accident, my lovely mum was fatally injured and died in hospital on New Years Eve.
I just can’t get the images of her awful injuries out of my head.
I’m arranging her funeral and want to do a good job for her but its so hard to do when I’m grieving so acutely.

How did you cope in those first weeks?

Welcome to the community @Ani. You’ve taken a brave step posting here, it’s not easy to do at all. I’m really sorry to hear about your Mum and how sudden this all was. It’s understandable to hear how you’re feeling and the trauma you’re experiencing. Arranging a funeral is one of the hardest things to do and I wanted to let you know, we’re all here for you.

You might like to have a read of our article on our website which talks through some advice on how to cope with bereavement - https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/someone-close-to-me-has-died/advice-and-support/how-can-i-cope-with-bereavement

We also have an article which talks through how to organise a funeral which you may find helpful to read too - https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/someone-close-to-me-has-died/advice-and-support/how-do-i-organise-a-funeral

Please do keep reaching out to us, you’re not alone and we’re here to support you every step of the way :yellow_heart:

Hi ani , so sorry for your loss ,
the horrible images that you have in your mind will slowly fade , it’s that old cliche of time that everyone keeps telling us …
When my gf died it just didn’t look like the beautiful girl I knew , slowly you start to remember good images but it’s little consolation , it was 10 weeks ago for me but yes I still think about the final image of her mixed in with a lot more of the better times in my head .
I honestly believe when you lose someone so close , the days weeks and months after you go into survival mode and it really can be a battle to just get up in the morning , just keep moving and keep busy if you can , if you have work to go to then go because that’s what really helps me , everyone’s different , just an awful situation we’ve been handed to deal with isn’t it , take care of yourself

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Thank you so much. I’ll have a read x

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m so sorry about your girlfriend.
I’m trying to keep busy and arranging the funeral takes a lot of time and effort.
I feel so tired, I think its the after effects of my adrenalin being so high for the period from learning about my mums fall, the 5 hour drive to the hospital and staying with her for 3 days and nights until she died.
Yes I agree with the autopilot. I feel like I’m in the middle of a fog of sadness and disbelief.
That’s shock I guess.

Hi Ani

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Ive been through sudden, unexpected loss twice with my parents.
My dad had a fatal heart attack aged 53. My mum found him dead in bed after he asked for a cup of tea just ten minutes earlier.
Then 18 months ago my mum suffered a sudden fatal brain haemorrhage. Only a couple of hours earlier we had been laughing and joking about our holiday which was a few weeks away
I didnt cope well at all with my mum and had 4 months off work through the trauma. If you need it, get signed off.
Other than that, I took each hour as it came. Even now, my mum is on my mind 24/7 and I regularly cry. The disbelief is still with me.
Dont expect to ‘get over this’ as you will live with this forever. However, I can assure you that the bad memories do fade and you will gradually reduce the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘shoulds’ and ‘coulds’
Chatting on this site is what got me through tbh.

Cheryl x

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Hi Cheryl,
Thanks so much for replying. Gosh you have been through so much…what a traumatic time.
I can’t imagine what it must be like for you.

Yes I have had so many ‘if onlys’ and ‘what ifs’ running around my head. I live a 5 hour drive from my parents and I’ve had lots of regret about moving away, not spending more time with them, etc.

But the reality is that even if I had been in the same house, I could not have prevented the accident nor the injuries she suffered. But it does not stop the endless mental torture.

XXX

I lost my Mum in December and I have to say trying to organise a funeral while going through the grieving process is really hard to do and you just want to do your best as I know I felt that it was the last thing I can do for her and want to get it right. During this pandemic grief is even harder as chatting to friends face to face and having a hug is what you need and sadly we can’t have that. A friend of mine described grief as being like the sea , coming in waves and she is right as one day I could be fine and then I hear or see something and I am back on the hospital with her at the end. Just remember to let your grief out and dont bottle it up, its healthy to cry. Sending you love xx

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Hi, I lost my mum and dad a year apart. Mum went first and I supported dad. Dad died suddenly and I was unable to be with him as he had just gone into a home and I was prevented from seeing him due to the pandemic. He was very unhappy. When he died I went back to work and was fine for a while but then out of the blue I found myself uncontrollably crying. I had put my grief to one side but eventually it would emerge and take over. Grief for both parents at the same time and terrible feelings of guilt. The image of my mum dying was in my head every night as I tried to sleep. Now 6 months later things are better. The sea a good analogy. Grief comes and goes but the memories of the good times are beginning to surface. Keep talking. It’s the best therapy. I did my best for my parents but still feel guilty. I shouldn’t and neither should you. Don’t be hard on yourself. There are some things we can’t control. Sending you my best wishes.

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Hi
I’m so very sorry for your loss… xx
I lost my mother inlaw to cancer back in October, she was my best friend we were very close.
The images will fade with time but please don’t put to much pressure on yourself. What you are doing for your mum is amazing, and she will be looking down feeling so incredibly proud of you. I had to arrange the funeral for my mother inlaw, it helped keep my mind off of how poorly she got in such a short time and how much she changed. But I look back at photos of all the amazing times we spent together, and I smile sometimes I don’t sometimes I cry and I don’t stop for days. I also have days where I feel angry that she was taken from us she was only 58 and full of life. She had so much to live for but the horrid cancer thought otherwise.
I’m sure you are doing absolutely amazing at such a hard time. One day at a time and reach out to the funeral directors they are amazing and are there to help you.
Sending you lots of love xx

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Thank you so much for your reply. The funeral was today and it went as well as any funeral could. So I’m pleased that we were able to give my mum a lovely send-off.
At least now I can get on with grieving for my mum. Plus sorting out what will happen with my Dad who is very elderly and will need a lot of support now he is on his own.
Thank you again, it is a comfort to be contacted by people who understand. XXX

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I found so many people saying I know how you feel and in fact unless you have lost a parent you really don’t know. I never thought it would feel like the physical pain that it does. Glad you got to give Mum a good send off xx

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I’m glad the funeral went well… it’s so hard.
I hope your dad will be ok, I’m sure he will it’s such a big adjustment getting used to change after loosing someone you love so very much.
It really is true unless you know how it feels to loose a loved one you will never fully understand the pain at any age. To know how someone feels and is going through the same I find is a massive comfort, and to know I’m not going mad, grief really is the hardest thing you will ever go through in life.
Take care and take time for yourself you deserve it xxxxx

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