Dreading birthdays

It’s that time of the year again, I think most people are glad to get Christmas over & done with, but then I have a new feeling of dread in the run up to what would of been the birthdays of my mom, & the baby I lost, both in February, 2 days apart, :pensive::sob:. I’m also scared because my dad can’t handle bereavements at all, he drinks heavily, & last year, on what would of been mom’s birthday, he got very drunk & badmouthed her to such a point all I wanted to do was run to my room & cry, I wished mom was here to give me a hug, he left me traumatised & in tears, then went & stayed at his girlfriend’s house, I’m praying this doesn’t happen this year, but I’m so scared of it happening again I’m considering booking a hotel room for those few nights just to give me some safe space. Grieving is hard enough without all the extra stress, trauma & upset.


Hi @Pandaprincess,

Thank you so much for sharing this with the community :blue_heart: I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.

Take good care,

Oh gosh im so sorry to hear of both your losses first of all :broken_heart: but also of the situation you are in. I don’t have advice for you as I haven’t experienced that behaviour from a surviving parent but I wanted to let you know that I’m truly thinking off you. I have my nephews birthday, mine then my Dads all within a few weeks coming up (Dads first heavenly bday since losing him :disappointed:) and I am dreading how I’ll be feeling at them all. Some days I can get by okey now, but others I’m in bits again. I think the hotel sounds like a great idea, or do you have any friends/family you could stay with? Maybe book a short holiday each year on your mums birthday so you can celebrate her life away from negatively. Here if you need to talk xx

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Booking a hotel or taking some time to prioritise yourself sounds like a great idea, I think I’ll do the same. You deserve to look after yourself

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Hello Pandaprincess,
Yes, I suspect most of us here are glad Christmas is over, I certainly am, and like you I dread birthdays, but I cannot imagine how things must be for you having lost your mother and your baby, and having your father struggling, and behaving as he did. The two of you must be in so much pain, but lashing out as he did makes things even worse for you. I find it difficult to understand how he could do that to you. Has he spoken to you about it? Have you discussed it with him? I wish I could help.
I know the pain of losing loved ones, I lost my father, my mother, my youngest son, and my wife, and I am here for you. If you think I can help and would like a chat, please reply.
Take care, and be kind to yourself

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Hi @seabass
Thank you for your kind words. Sadly it’s not uncommon for people with a drinking problem to be in denial about it, to refuse to see it as a problem, & the effect it has on the people around them. when anyone tries to make clear to him that his actions affect the rest of us, he just twists it into being everyone else’s fault, or tries to deny it’s a problem. As for the way he spoke so harshly about mom on what would of been her birthday last year, I daren’t try to talk to him about it, I know it’ll just result in more arguments, & like every time he gets drunk, his answer is to just sweep it under the carpet & pretend it’s all ok, but it’s not, it hurts.
Sorry to hear you’ve been through so much loss, sending hugs of support.

Hello Pandaprincess,
I’m so sorry to hear that. Anger is not uncommon when grieving, but your pain must be even greater when your father talks about your mother like that. It is as though you have almost lost him as well.
I realise now that I sometimes took things for granted, and didn’t always appreciate how lucky I was to be loved by such a wonderful woman. So, the lesson I learnt is to treasure relationships and cherish every moment you spend with someone you love. But I am on my own now, so for me it’s a bit too late.
Thank you for your support, it is so important to me. Remember, I am here if you feel like a chat.
Take care.

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With the impending aforementioned birthdays coming up, I decided to write a poem to them both, it’s called,

               "A mother's love" 

A mother’s love is infinite,
She protects you come what may,
& loves unconditionally,
When all others go astray,
She keeps you in her heart,
& is proud of you no-matter what,
When you’re feeling sad she gives you hugs, & tells you everything will be ok,
That everything in life is just a phase,
& tomorrow’s another day,
She sings your praises, & let’s you know how amazing you are,
You’re an angel, you’re my rainbow, :rainbow: you’re a star, :sparkles:
& accepts the pain without complaint for the sacrifices she makes,
& supports you when you need it most, despite the heartaches,
Even when that life is over,
& when all is said & done,
She will always love you, because she’s your mom.