So this will be the second Christmas without my Dad .
It feels worse than last year for some reason, I’m dreading It .
I feel very anxious about everything, don’t want to be involved .
Just want it over and gone .
The worse thing is everyone seems to be carrying on as normal and they seem to be expecting me to be the same.
Planning things, inviting themselves when all I want is to be left alone .
Hi Lynac123xxx
Thankyou for your post. There are a group of us who chat every day that have lost our mums suddenly in the last few months. We are all having a hard time and dreading xmas. What you are saying hasnt surprised me. My dad died suddenly in august 1998 and I never enjoyed xmas after that. My christmases up till that point had always been fun family events with both mum, dad, my sister and I. Losing my dad changed xmas forever. Now that I’ve lost my mum this year xmas is changed again. I have spent 48 Christmases with my mum and I dont expect any for the rest of my life will be good again.
Do what you want to do this xmas and take time out from people if you feel the need.
Xmas is painted as such a joyous time but the truth is that there are alot if people who are recently bereaved, very ill, very poor or have some other reason to dread it. You are not alone.
Cheryl x
Thank you for your quick reply .
When I feel so low this is the place I come too.
I can talk to people who have similar experiences.
I feel you understand .
I have no one else I feel I can talk to about my feelings , although I have close family .
They don’t seem to understand and I feel they expect me to just get over it .
Get on with life .
My Dad was my world , I spent a lot of time with him.
I looked out for him. I miss doing things for him .
I have not just lost him but my life with him if they makes any sense.
Of course it does.
I was ridiculously close to my mum and we lived together, did everything together. I thought she would live till she was 90 but on the 2nd june she had a miniistroke. She seemed to be fine and only had a sight weakness in one arm but 12 days later she suffered a massive brain hemorrhage. I am still in shock. The hospital had discharged her with aspirin on the 7th june and told us they would sent physiotherapy round to check mum was safe to go out of the house on her own, cross roads etc.
We thought it was a minor blip in mums life but she was dead days later.
It’s a huge shock and my world as I knew it has ended.
I’m sure eventually I will pop back onto site ryder only occasionally but for now I need it every day.
Cheryl x
Hi Lynac123xxx, Christmas is such a stressful time of year and the loss of a loved one just adds to the weight of it all.
Whilst, we are shopping we are listening to classic but highly sentimental Christmas songs, which just re-enforce that a love one is no longer here. “I’ll be home for Xmas” comes to mind but there are so many songs where one person is missing.
I lost my Dad twenty years ago and my Mum 10 weeks ago. I have no family left but i do have a partner.
A perfect, Christmas can take a hike. Restful and peaceful sounds good.
As Cheryl said many of us are struggling with Christmas and two years into the lost of your Dad really isnt long.
My partner for years used to give a toast on Christmas day. “To absent friends”. I hope he is wise enough to not say the same things this year.
I think there going to be some activity on these threads over Xmas, so if you want to escape and get things off your chest come here. x
Daffy,
I almost said that same thing in my last post but thought I would be miserable so left it out. I’m so glad you said it. I don’t want anyone raising a glass to my mum or absent friends. All it does is upset me. Atkins funeral my brother in law raised his glass and said ‘to sylvia’ .
Up to that point I had coped fairly well with the day bit that absolutely did it for me. I hope my brother in law has the sense not to do it on xmas day.
Cheryl x
It’s a strange one, as our loved ones are certainly not forgotten, but to raise a toast to them seems almost inhuman! Lynac and Cheryl, sorry, if my post was a bit gloomy mentioning Christmas music etc.
I personally have struggled to listen to much loved Christmas songs around the shops.
Thank you for replying , this site really has helped me over the passed 2 years .
Just to hear others feel the same or similar to what I feel .
Sometimes I think I’ll go mad .
I don’t want to upset anyone but I have this strange feeling in my head I can’t shake off.
Might sound ridiculous and silly but it haunts me .
I ask my Dad , where are you .
My Dad died alone and I feel so guilty.
He was fine ,living in a beautiful retirement village .
He could walk with a walker cook simple meals , he was very independent. Had lots of friends.
I did his shopping cleaning etc .
But the fact he was there laughing and joking , had lunch his afternoon nap .
Then woke went to the bathroom and died alone haunts me .
I don’t no where he is .
It got worse after my Daughters went to a clairvoyant.
They both said that Dad told them to tell me he was ok.
Then my 5 year old Grandson tells me his Grandad Bob that’s what he called him talks to him.
He was only 3 when Dad died but he seems to no things that Dad is supposed to tell him.
I’m so sorry if this as upset anyone I really am but I can’t get my head around it all.
If he’s somewhere why hasn’t he come to me .
Is it because I wasn’t there when he needed me the most.
Lynac123xxx
You haven’t upset anyone. Hold onto what you believe. Hold onto what gives you comfort.
I try and believe that Mum is around, even though i don’t feel her or see her. Our loved ones are carried are in our hearts and in our dna at all times. If we look at our hands or our face we can often see them as a part of us. They are with us always in some respects.
Yes, it is all very painful. Believe what gives you comfort.
Hi,
I was really close to my dad and thought if he would contact anyone it would be me. He never has.
I was ridiculously close to my mum and thought the same. She hasnt though.
Personally I think you are gone when you die and that is the end of life but that is just my opinion.
It doesnt actually bring me comfort to think of my mum being around me as I think she would be so upset that she isnt with us.
I fully understand why most people like to think that their lived one is still around then, it just isnt for me that’s all.
Cheryl x
Hi Cheryl, I like you have always believed when your gone your gone .
I was ok with that , Dad was 89 and never suffered ,so although he went quickly and it did shock me to my core I was ok with that part .
Apart from him dying alone , that hurts.
Until all this message lark started , to be honest I wish they had never told me.
It’s now stuck in my head .
Clairvoyantance is not supportive by scientific evidence, so you can choose to believe or not.
I no your right , but the seed as been sewn.
I wish it hadn’t .
Wow , thank you for that .
You understand just how I feel and me you .
It is hard .
I do get more better days than I did but the bad days are still as bad as they ever were.
Thank you
Thank you , but I’m not sure this is for me .
I’m confused enough after what the clairvoyant told my Daughters and my what my Grandsons told me.
But thank you.
Hi Lyn
I lost my twin brother to cancer at the age 49… He was diagnosed in May 2019 and he died in July 2019. Myself and our family are still in shock that he’s gone. Since the funeral the family has fallen apart because of arguments about arranging and financing the funeral. This Christmas will be the first without my brother and like yourself and many others on this forum, I’m dreading it and rather the day goes by without a mention of Merry Christmas. It’s so hard and you do feel alone, but I think people try to get you in the spirit of Christmas because they think they’re helping. I have told all my friends to please not send any cards, presents and to please respect my wishes and to just let the day go by. They have, for now, respected my wishes and feel better for it. You just have to be selfish and do what you want to do. Tell your family and friends how your feeling. I know it’s difficult. When my brother died I feel like I lost part of me. It would have been our 50th birthday next year. That’s my next hurdle. I don’t want to celebrate my birthday
Par7 , so sorry for your loss . It is so hard .
I have said no presents this years I really can’t be bothered.
Just for the little ones our Grand children but to be honest I can hardly remember what’s in the wrappings.
I have no interest In it at all.
I’ll go to my Dads grave , I have a lovely wreath to take .
I’ll have to sneak out or everyone will want to go.
It sounds really mean of me but I don’t want them with me .
Just me and Dad , Moms there too she died 16 years ago .
I had Dad to look after when she died and we were not that close so it was very different.
I wish you peace at this dreadful time .
I wish heartfelt peace to everyone going though this same thing.
I’m sure we will survive however much it hurts and however many tears we cry.
This is my first year without my brother and it’s hard. When I go out shopping and walk around the shop I just want to smash the Christmas stuff up. When people say “We’ll try to have a good Christmas” or “Your brother wouldn’t want you to be sad”, I just want to smack these people. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I’m so angry all the time and I have no patience. I don’t want to be that way but I can’t help it. You do what you need to and if you need to sneak out so be it.
My older brother wants me to go the grave on 31st December to put my brothers ashes in the vault on the plot, but I just bring myself to go. Because my mum would have wanted me and brother to be buried together the the tombstone has a gap where my name will go when I pass away, so I will be going in the same plot and i don’t think I can handle seeing that as I to am not well. I don’t have cancer but I spina bifida and am losing the use of legs.
Life can be so hard!
I know how you feel, my dad died 10 years ago and my mum 2 years ago, christmas just isint the same. The anxiety does get worse at this time, we are expected to be jolly and happy when inside it feels nothing like that, things have changed forever. It so hard to adjust. Last year I just went through the motions and this year will be the same. I loved shopping for presents for my mum, and taking her out to do her christmas shopping, its so sad accepting that its over. So I think, its just one day, put on an act and get through it, I hope it goes ok for you.