Evening Everyone
My beloved son has been gone just over 4 and a half months now and as the year goes on and I try to learn with this endless sadness and grief I am already beginning to dread Christmas, How am I going to cope with that time of the year without my beautiful boy. How have other people coped, what do you do to get through the day?
I have 2 other children so I cannot ignore Christmas, although I would really like to.
What am I going to do, the thought of Christmas without my son is too painful but I think others will expect me just to carry on.
Hi Jan im very sorry for your loss .I lost my darling wife which in nowhere compares to your grief .Im a yoshire man truth be told i told everybody you celebrate Christmas but ive cancelled it .Do what others expect of me no way i look after number 1 .Am i brutal maybe but like you my nightmare is mine and i have to live with it my way .All the best Colin
Hi Jan
So sorry to read of the loss of your son.
Christmas is a difficult one to get through. I lost my Mum last year and found the idea of any celebration as Colin says very difficult. What I did in the end was go and stay in a hotel. Something I had never done before so knew there would be no memories attached to it. Also more impersonal than being at home. Maybe with children you might not fancy this but see if you could rent a cottage or similar. Make it a more low key celebration than normal?
Mel
Hi Jan, Colin and Mel. Sorry to read of your losses and that you are on this TERRIBLE path of bereavement as I am. I lost my partner on 13th July and so this Christmas will be my first without him. I am already dreading it and just want to ignore it. I think I will soon send out emails to people telling them that, due to my loss of Dave, I will not be participating in Christmas so I won’t be buying any presents or sending any cards and don’t want others to send them to me. I agree, Colin, we are in a nightmare which is ours and why should we have to endure Christmas celebrations when it is the last thing we feel. I don’t intend to do anything I don’t want to do as it is me dealing with this, not others and I have to cope with it in the best way I can. I know I have turned into a selfish, hurtful person but life has treated me cruelly so I don’t care. Jan, I realise it is much harder for you as you have two other children to consider so no, you can’t totally ignore it but I think you can make it more low key than normal as Mel suggests and others (adults) should accept it as you are going through an awful stage of your life and this Christmas you will be hurting and not wanting to celebrate as you used to. Mel, I lost my mum 9 years ago and I couldn’t face the thought of Christmas as mum and I always enjoyed it so much and made a big thing of it. My Great Aunt had just lost her husband so we grieved together which was a big help and comfort. Norma suggested we went away for Christmas which really pleased me. As you said, no memories and something different to do and we were together and helped each other. It was still hard as missed mum badly and I cried in my bed in my room each night before going to sleep. When I got with Dave 5 years ago, Christmases became special again and we enjoyed them so much. So, now I am back to square one again and this Christmas … who knows? I’m not sure if I could go away on my own and be with couples in a hotel. I am really struggling with being with couples and seeing happy couples together. At the moment I am trying to put Christmas out of my mind but I know it will be upon us before we know it. My thoughts and best wishes go to you all. Karen
Thank you all so much for your replies, as awful as it is, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in my grief and that others are feeling it too but of course I wish that none of us were on this site if having to endure such pain. I to have decided not to send cards this year, instead I will be donating the money to the charity we choose for Jakes funeral, my son was a drummer so we choose a music charity to honour his memory. I would like to go away I think, I know that other than my husband and our 2 other children I will probably not want to see anyone. I have decided that I will buy gifts on Jakes behalf for his little brother and sister and his grieving long term girlfriend, in this way I hope to keep him a big part of Christmas though I have to admit that even thinking about celebrating anything ever again without him here makes me feel desperate and pysically sick, I just wish the pain would stop,
Take care all
Janet
Hello Everyone,
So sorry for all of your losses, I lost my beautiful Mum just two and a half months ago, even though she wasn’t too well it was so sudden and I’ve been in a numb daze ever since, literally heartbroken:(
Christmas I can’t even comprehend, I’ve never not had Christmas with Mum, even with my long term ex I always spent it with her rather than with him and his family. (Trust me you would too had you had the choice:)
On a serious note I think it’s something I might have to run away from. Maybe go somewhere they don’t celebrate it? I just cannot imagine it without Mum and nobody else even comes close as a substitute to acknowledge it with. I just can’t celebrate if I’m not happy.
Sorry if I’ve been no help whatsoever, just no idea what I will do.
Sending hugs
Wendy
Xx
I am missing mum dear mum also, I’m a 52 year old man but I was so close to mum. She was my friend and my rock. Again, although she had some illnesses, what happened was sudden and an awful experience. I lost mum 2 years ago in October and this is the first time I have shared something about it. It’s so so painful. I miss her so much.
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Hi All
Thank you for all your comments. My mum past away June 2016 and I celebrated Christmas last year with my family and my brother and his partner, we did it by celebrating mums life, but now having lost my beautiful boy too this year what is there to celebrate? To loose both my mum and my son within 11 months of each other is like having a knife stuck in my soul which is turned every morning. I normally love Christmas but cannot face the materialism of it, the fuss, the noise, to be asked what I want for Christmas, when what I want is my son and mum back, without them, what is the point?
Janet
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Evening all
I know exactly how you are all feeling. This will be my 3rd Christmas without my lovely Mum. I too had every Christmas with her. The first year, my Sister and I did Christmas with our partner family. This was a first. I wanted to stay at home but decided that my Mum wouldn’t want me to be sad and my wife should be with her Mum and Dad. Do you feel in a trance? I did.
It was a bit easier last year and my wife and I hope to have both of our immediate families around for Christmas Dinner this year.
I personally would have regretted not spending time with others the first year. It kept my mind occupied at least for a few hours.
I can’t tell you what to do but as Colin says, you are number 1 and do what suits. You could always ask a few people round for a little drink between Christmas and New Year?
Either way, keep yourselves active.
Thoughts are with you all.
Dave
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Dear All
Thank you again for all your comments and ideas. Today we booked to go to a little cottage near some close friends for Christmas. Basically I explained to my husband that I could not stay at home for Christmas without our beloved son, he agreed so he and I and our 2 other children will spend Christmas together away. The children were very happy with this idea as I think they were dreading being at home also. We are not going to be far from a very dear friend and her family so if we feel the need for company I am sure we can go and see them. It will be a strange Christmas being away but at least I will not be faced with all the past Christmas days waking up with 3 children opening their gifts when this year it will be only 2. I know already that I am going to find Christmas torture and cannot stand the thought of starting the new year without my son, but I have no choice, I must live a life that is not of my choosing, a life I do not want to really live but must for my other 2 grieving children.
Peace to you all on this Saturday evening.
Janet
Hi Janet
Yes it will feel strange being away from home. I found staying in a hotel last Christmas very wierd and yes I cried every night too. I also had to leave the table at Christmas lunch because I was so upset. I was with my sister who was oblivious to my distress, completely focussed on the food and drink.
This year I have moved house and all I want to do is be in my lovely new home alone. The pressure from others to go and join in forced gaiety appals me. The alternative that they come and stay with me for Christmas appals me even more! Trying to think of excuses but not being very successful at the moment.
Mel
Christmas…
I am still getting through each after losing my partner 3 months ago but guess something i will have to consider at some point. Reading this post really made me sad as i am remembering our last 9 christmas’s together and crying as i write this. My partner’s father was jehovah witness so never celebrated christmas that much. Then she met me and i love (loved) christmas. Tree up on the 1st which she would say “isnt it a bit early” lights outside house’ present lists’ and i made my own cards and crackers putting personal gifts in them for christmas day. Then cuddling up on sofa watching a christmas film (whether she wanted to or not) she said she had never met anyone who loved christmas more than me. This is true always have as a child plus my birthday in december.
My house would be bursting at the seams with family and of course enough food and drink for an army (she nearly collapsed when we did the big food shop and suggested re-mortgaging the house or sell a kidney )
I cant believe she wont be here with me for christmas and my birthday so yes first thought is to cancel both but i have 3 children and 2 grandchildren so know this will not be an option.
I guess i need to give this more thought nearer the time sorry to go on reminiscing but just realised my joy and love for christmas has been taken away from me our losses of our loved ones take so many other things away from us which i am just realising how very cruel this is.
Thoughts to you all
Carol x
Dear Carol.
When we lost our loved ones it was like the first domino falling which was then followed by many other dominos falling, their loss will effect the rest of our lives. Everything is a first, every new thing must be endured and faces. The first anniversary, first birthday, first Christmas and so on. I sometimes wonder if my Jacob is surprised at all the fuss over his passing, if he knew how desperately he is loved and missed, if any of us know how much we ourselves mean to others,
I know that the next few months will be torture, Christmas, birthdays then eventually the anniversary of his passing.
I try not to think about tomorrow, today is enough, for now there is no looking forward, I miss my son so much, so a quiet Christmas with just my husband and 2 other children is all I want, no parties, no family get togethers, no cards, no carols. I intend to go away and just wait it out til it is all over.
Take care
Janet
Hi Carol
Your Christmases sound lovely so remember those with fondness even if you can’t really consider doing much this year. I absolutely loved Christmas with my Mum. We used to do the decorations together and each bauble was an old friend we were reunited with each year. It just doesn’t feel the same without her but I will put out her favourite decorations this year and think of her.
Janet, I think your plans sound lovely. A quiet and reflective Christmas thinking of and remembering your son but recognising your other children’s needs. You sound a thoughtful wonderful Mum and I bet your family love you to bits.
I feel horrible wanting to be on my own but I just cannot handle the thought of other people. Sending cards is another dilemma but I will do so. I buy them from the hospice that helped Mum so they get some money. Mum’s friends would be very upset if they didn’t hear from me and they were wonderfully kind to me so I cannot offend or lose touch with them. I remember reading on here last year someone always gave a donation to the hospice of whatever they spent on their relative for Christmas and I like that idea too of Mum still having a present from me.
Mel
Dear Mel
Thank you for your comments. I understand what you mean about wanting to be on your own, the idea of being with lots of people scares me now, I feel like I have to pretend to be normal quite a bit, especially at work, but I know I will not be able to keep that up over our first Christmas without our beautiful son. I love the idea that you are giving money to the hospice. I have decided that this year I will get gifts for my other 2 children from their brother, I am also going to get something for his girlfriend from him, I know this will be really difficult but I know he would want me to do it, just thinking about it fills my eyes with tears.
We struggle on, day by day.
Take care
Janet
Hello everyone, like all of you am dreading xmas just the word makes me freeze, everywherw we go and on tv will be a constant reminder of the awlful time we had loosing our loved ones.Our lovely daughter Dawn passed away December 11th and we could not bury her until dec 28th and it is going to be so painful so we have decided to go away but we will still be back on the day we said good bye to her .They say it will get better the 2nd year but I cannot see that as I think it gets worse the longer it goes on .the only consolation is my other daughter hadnt any sighns from her sister , but she did a massage on a lady the other day sarah told her nothing when all all of a sudden she said she was a medium and I have a lady here and she is about under 50years old things sarah could relate to I don’t know about anyone else but these are the only things that keep me going. Has enyone else had any signs ,as it would be lovely to know that they are well and happy in there new life hugs Maddie x