Hello Kimberley,
Helen here when it was Sam’s birthday on the 17th October, we had some helium balloons done with messages written on them and let them off in the back garden, I also have a big plant in a pot and I hang angels on there. For his birthday I bought a glass heart in opal which is apparently the October birthstone (not real opal) , and then for Christmas I’ve bought a little glass angel which will go out there on Christmas Day. I went shopping to a big garden centre with my friend and she spotted a glass snowman with Sam written on him and as it was the last one I bought it to hang on my tree. I know Sam is all around me, I can feel him and I am sure your Mum is around you and will be guiding and helping you as much as she can, a spiritualist said to me when you talk out loud to Sam or ask a question and you get the answer straight away in your head that is Sam replying. So I am always talking to Sam, don’t always get the answer I expect but then that was Sam
Would it be very rude if I just lie and say I’m going to be somewhere else for Christmas? I’d really like to spend the day quietly alone at home and not have to try to look happy so I don’t make everyone feel uncomfortable.
Hello Shirls
No it isn’t rude if that is what you want to do, but remember you won’t make those people feel uncomfortable, if they have anything about them they will know how hard it will be for you and by a word or a gesture however small they will let you know that they know it’s hard for you. It may be good for you even for a small amount of time another bridge crossed?
Thanks Helen. The problem is I can’t drive and don’t drink and I know I’d have to endure hours and hours of booze induced merriment before I could get back home…Last year was torture and I just can’t go through that again!
Hello both,
Having read both your posts, I understand more clearly now, my situation is different I have lost my youngest son who died from a brain tumour last December… a suggestion and as a compromise for the family I know it’s expensive but what about booking a taxi, go for say a few hours (you’ve then done your duty and theirs!!) and you can then wind your way home. Just a thought? My elder son wants us to go there, we have baby identical twin granddaughters and a grandson who is 3. He wants to do a family Christmas, and I know very soon he’s going to hit a wall he is so upset over his younger brother who was 34 when he died, he hasn’t really accepted it all he does is work work and more work and then when he’s home help sort the children. Not really looking forward to it but I don’t think I have a choice and Lonely you’re right like you my face will ache with trying to be happy, when inside all I think about is Sam.
Shirls, I’m sorry for not understanding about Christmas and the family for you, I should have.
Oh Helen my heart aches for you in your loss.It’s my step family who will maybe be expecting me for Christmas and since they ignore me the rest of the year I imagine it’s a duty invitation. Not judging - they have their busy lives. My own children are far away and soon I’ll be leaving this town to live with one of my daughters. It would be great if the house sale is finalized before Christmas but not holding my breath. I don’t know if taxis in this country run on Christmas day but just calling one from the party would cause an issue!
Dear Sheila I hope this Christmas will be better for you.Maybe invite a couple of friends with dogs to your home for lunch. Does Barney get on with other dogs?
Oh Shirls,
Then forget them, if they can’t be bothered with you the rest of the year forget them and use having to sort out the house as an excuse…you will probably get on better when you are with your daughter, and maybe you will have the time to heal and forge a better life for yourself. I love Sam with all my heart but he would be so angry if I did not try to get on with my life. You can read my posts in loss of my son along with others who have lost their adult children. May I wish you all the very best, in all that you do.
Heh heh Sheila that made me laugh. I’m done with feeling angry and bitter with them, it was just making me feel awful. I’ll just say nicely that I have a Widows’ Club lunch. I’ll have to quickly start this club but I bet I know enough who might like to escape the usual festivities!
Oh dear Sheila sorry there was a cross posting there. Both my dogs died since my husband’s death and I felt as though everything was being stripped away. This house is too big and too quiet now. I hope all goes well for you this Christmas and that you can just retire to your room if it gets too much. We will always miss our husbands - they were woven into the very fabric of our lives. But at Christmas it seems so much worse.
I have decided that I will go and see Mum in her new resting place on Christmas Eve, I will take my dog Molly, a camp chair and a blanket. Molly and Mum had such a lovely relationship and she has also struggled so much with the passing of Mum.
I am going to get Mum a card and a poinsettia for her too.
I’ll sit and catch Mum up on what’s been going on and give her my undivided attention.
I miss her so so much and would do anything to have her back with me.
Hi everyone, last Christmas was the 1st without my dear Dad,my beautiful Daughter was in her 5th month of illness with Pancreatic Cancer, she sadly passed away in August of this year, she lived with her Dad and I during her illness. To have two people who I loved so much gone is unbearable for me, last Christmas my Dad and now my Daughter and Dad. I feel like I’m suffocating, sheer blind panic, everyone seems to rely on me. My daughter has two sons, I love them dearly, everyone comes to Christmas at our house, I have to do it for them but I don’t think everyone realises how difficult it is for me. The pain is getting more intense, panic attacks, anxiety and depression, it is utter despair. I can relate to what you all say, I to am shopping online can’t bear to watch people scurrying about happily, especially Mums and Daughters. It is just so difficult, I want to fast forward life and Christmas is over, at one time I loved it and so did my beautiful Daughter, nothing will ever be the same again. Warm thoughts and inner peace to you all x
Aunya so sorry for you losses. It’s sad that for so many of us who used to love Christmas and enjoy being with our families would now prefer to skip it altogether.There should be an opt out option where the bereaved can avoid Christmas and the rest of the world would respect it and not expect us to act normal. Every time I hear Christmas songs and see all the glittering decorations in the shops I want to cry. And then having to smile and smile and be strong when all the while your heart is breaking. It’s supposed to be a joyful time but for us it;s an endurance test. This year it’s a test in which I’ll probably get a D-.
The thing is you dont have to do it for them why dont they do it for you. If you find it too much this year close down the hatches so to speak and book yourself a few days in a hotel. I am alone at christmas and this is what I do -I too still get very weepy over the loss of dear dear Mike. yesterday I cried all day and its over a year since he left me like you I just dont know which way to turn I dont have family -I suppose we have to try and think they are in a better place now and have no more pain or suffering
That sounds like a really lovely idea. I think i want to do the same, but i also know it’ll be one of the worst experiences and just heartbreaking. I’ll do it anyway. Good idea about the card, I’ve been crying when I’ve seen people buying cards for their mum recently. I miss my mum so much. This time of year is really hard. Let us know how it goes? Take care
Hi Kimberly,
It’s so so hard- the only place I want to be is with Mum.
I’ve also bought a memory bauble with a feather inside it. For me feathers seem to be around the day after I’ve had a crap day.
That way she will be with me and I her.
Take care
My doctor requested counselling for me; I waited quite a long time then had a leaflet posted to me, no covering letter or anything just a leaflet, that was in March, I haven’t heard anything since. I just had to tough it out and cope on my own! I don’t think they could help me now, I would need counselling to be over how let down I felt, x
My husband died on the 16th December last year, Christmas passed in a horrible blur of tears and disbelief. I don’t even remember taking the tree down. This year I have decided to spend the two days on my own at home with our little dog. I am not miserable about it, it’s just something I feel I must do! I will put the tree up as it was new last December and he helped to choose the tree and the colour of the baubles! A nice memory of a happier time. I’m sure there will be tears and sadness but it’s private to me and I don’t feel I want to share it with anyone else. My family have invited me and I have gently let down the ones who understand my views, others still think it is a decision I have made out of sadness I will speak to them gently nearer the time. Nothing is wrong if it’s what you really want to do, is it? I hope everyone feeling the loss of a loved one can feel at peace with whatever they decide to do, x
I am beginning to think that Cruse is a waste of space. I know they are busy but it would be a good idea if they at least got in touch to let you know what is happening. My husband died in June and I am still struggling but by the time I get to see someone, I will be recovering I hope. Like you, I am trying to cope without outside help but it is very difficult. I love your last sentence about being let down. How very true. Best wishes, Eileen x