Dreading Christmas

Its hard I know, the first year of my sons death is coming up 24th November 2017 I’m dreading it he was my only child, he’s death cane as a shock ,he died from deep vein Thrombosis after an operation I miss him every second of every day, I cry constantly

Hello charliedan
There is nothing anyone can say to ease your pain. We all feel like you all the anniversaries are drawing near. We can just try to get through. Do you have any other family you can lean on or friends?. All on this site are like you and I and we all care. I am sure all of us will continue using this site for a very long time to come. Write again. With love Helen

Charliedan, I just wanted to send you lots of hugs. Your pain sounds deep. Time will ease the pain. Do whatever you need to just get through the rest of this year. Like Helen says, we are all here together, lean on us, we are all here for each other. I hope that talking helps a bit.
The first year or so sounds like the hardest from everything I’ve heard. Anniversaries and big dates, I’m expecting, will sting every year. Maybe a little less as time goes on I hope. It might be completely the wrong thing for you, but for me, I’ve been thinking about how I will celebrate with my mum on her birthday, mine, Christmas, etc… the flowers I’ll get her, cards, I’ll send her a save the date to my wedding… that kind of stuff. I found the idea of not being with her, and also not getting her anything for Christmas, a bit too difficult, so I’ll just get her some lovely flowers each time I want to celebrate something with her. I hear of nice things people to do celebrate with their loved ones. I once heard of someone pouring an entire bottle of single malt (instead of throwing soil) as their husband was buried. Just trying to make the best out of a really, really rubbish situation.

Hello Kimberley,
Helen here when it was Sam’s birthday on the 17th October, we had some helium balloons done with messages written on them and let them off in the back garden, I also have a big plant in a pot and I hang angels on there. For his birthday I bought a glass heart in opal which is apparently the October birthstone (not real opal) , and then for Christmas I’ve bought a little glass angel which will go out there on Christmas Day. I went shopping to a big garden centre with my friend and she spotted a glass snowman with Sam written on him and as it was the last one I bought it to hang on my tree. I know Sam is all around me, I can feel him and I am sure your Mum is around you and will be guiding and helping you as much as she can, a spiritualist said to me when you talk out loud to Sam or ask a question and you get the answer straight away in your head that is Sam replying. So I am always talking to Sam, don’t always get the answer I expect but then that was Sam

with love Helen

Would it be very rude if I just lie and say I’m going to be somewhere else for Christmas? I’d really like to spend the day quietly alone at home and not have to try to look happy so I don’t make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Hello Shirls
No it isn’t rude if that is what you want to do, but remember you won’t make those people feel uncomfortable, if they have anything about them they will know how hard it will be for you and by a word or a gesture however small they will let you know that they know it’s hard for you. It may be good for you even for a small amount of time another bridge crossed?

With love Helen

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Thanks Helen. The problem is I can’t drive and don’t drink and I know I’d have to endure hours and hours of booze induced merriment before I could get back home…Last year was torture and I just can’t go through that again!

Hello Shirls, I understand what you mean, when it was my first Christmas without my husband I was told I was going to our sons for Christmas, I told my sons no, I wanted to spend the day at home on my own with Barney my GSD, we had a big argument so I gave in. I then came up with a plan, the day before Christmas Eve I was going to tell them I was ill with the 'flu but I backed down and went. It was the most unhappy Christmas I had spent, my face ached with smiling and I had never felt as alone in all my life even though the house was packed. When I got back home on boxing day, I opened the door to nothing, I had had to put our German Shepherd Barney in kennels as our sons would not have him in their house, I got down on my hands and knees and cried for my husband. For 47 years I had put on the Christmas dinner for our family and it was the first time I had not been at home for Christmas day. I rang the kennels and asked them to bring Barney home straight away, I knew the lady who ran the kennels and she understood and brought him home even though he was not due back for another day. Barney and me spent the rest of the week together. I can’t advise you what to do because if you don’t go you may spoil their Christmas because they will worry about you and if you do go you will have a rotten time. You need to do what you think is the best for yourself even if it causes upset, which believe you me, it will. Take care. Sheilax

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Hello both,
Having read both your posts, I understand more clearly now, my situation is different I have lost my youngest son who died from a brain tumour last December… a suggestion and as a compromise for the family I know it’s expensive but what about booking a taxi, go for say a few hours (you’ve then done your duty and theirs!!) and you can then wind your way home. Just a thought? My elder son wants us to go there, we have baby identical twin granddaughters and a grandson who is 3. He wants to do a family Christmas, and I know very soon he’s going to hit a wall he is so upset over his younger brother who was 34 when he died, he hasn’t really accepted it all he does is work work and more work and then when he’s home help sort the children. Not really looking forward to it but I don’t think I have a choice and Lonely you’re right like you my face will ache with trying to be happy, when inside all I think about is Sam.

Shirls, I’m sorry for not understanding about Christmas and the family for you, I should have.

With love Helen

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Oh Helen my heart aches for you in your loss.It’s my step family who will maybe be expecting me for Christmas and since they ignore me the rest of the year I imagine it’s a duty invitation. Not judging - they have their busy lives. My own children are far away and soon I’ll be leaving this town to live with one of my daughters. It would be great if the house sale is finalized before Christmas but not holding my breath. I don’t know if taxis in this country run on Christmas day but just calling one from the party would cause an issue!

Dear Sheila I hope this Christmas will be better for you.Maybe invite a couple of friends with dogs to your home for lunch. Does Barney get on with other dogs?

Oh Shirls,
Then forget them, if they can’t be bothered with you the rest of the year forget them and use having to sort out the house as an excuse…you will probably get on better when you are with your daughter, and maybe you will have the time to heal and forge a better life for yourself. I love Sam with all my heart but he would be so angry if I did not try to get on with my life. You can read my posts in loss of my son along with others who have lost their adult children. May I wish you all the very best, in all that you do.

with love Helen

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Shirls2017. Since they ignore you for the rest of the year I would tell them to stick Christmas where the sun don’t shine, they are only making themselves not feel guilty. Tell them you are ill and you can have done with them for good. You have enough on your plate without pandering to people who are fair weather step-family. Stick to your guns. If it was your children then it is different, you don’t want to upset them as they are only thinking of you, but this so called step family don’t seem to be worthy of you. Do what is right for yourself and to heck with anyone else. Take care Sheilaxx

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Thank you Shirls, but Barney sadly died a few months ago of cancer, another heartache. I am this year having Christmas in my house again and everyone is coming on the 22nd December and staying until the 26th then I am going out for a meal with everyone on the 27th. It will be buffets and such like, as they are all coming and going, they are all sleeping over so it will be hectic. I am putting on a large buffet instead of a sit down Christmas dinner as I cannot face not seeing my husband sat there carving the turkey like he always did, I will have everything carved and on the table, this way they can help themselves and drink themselves silly. I am lucky, there is plenty of room for everyone. The last three Christmases were terrible, spending them at our son’s homes, they did their best and it is not their fault I didn’t enjoy myself, I just missed my husband. You can’t be with someone for 50 years from being 18 years old and not have a broken heart when he dies, it is impossible. I think for the first time since my husband died, I will put up a small Christmas tree for the grandchildren, I didn’t do it before because I wasn’t at home. Take Care. Sheilaxx

Heh heh Sheila that made me laugh. I’m done with feeling angry and bitter with them, it was just making me feel awful. I’ll just say nicely that I have a Widows’ Club lunch. I’ll have to quickly start this club but I bet I know enough who might like to escape the usual festivities!

Oh dear Sheila sorry there was a cross posting there. Both my dogs died since my husband’s death and I felt as though everything was being stripped away. This house is too big and too quiet now. I hope all goes well for you this Christmas and that you can just retire to your room if it gets too much. We will always miss our husbands - they were woven into the very fabric of our lives. But at Christmas it seems so much worse.

Hi Shirls, yes we did get our wires crossed. You made me laugh when you said retire to my room if it gets too much. I won’t be able to draw breath until after Christmas, I have never known sons and grandchildren natter as much as my lot do, it is like having teenagers at home again. All they want is a table full of food, drinks galore and some films to watch or games to play. At least I will be sure of a good night’s sleep when they are here. All I want is for the 2nd January 2018 to be here and it is all over. Take care. Sheila xx

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I have decided that I will go and see Mum in her new resting place on Christmas Eve, I will take my dog Molly, a camp chair and a blanket. Molly and Mum had such a lovely relationship and she has also struggled so much with the passing of Mum.
I am going to get Mum a card and a poinsettia for her too.
I’ll sit and catch Mum up on what’s been going on and give her my undivided attention.
I miss her so so much and would do anything to have her back with me.

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That’s lovely Folie and I’m sure it will bring you peace. I lost my Mum nearly 60 years ago when I was thirteen and I still have dreams about her.

Hi everyone, last Christmas was the 1st without my dear Dad,my beautiful Daughter was in her 5th month of illness with Pancreatic Cancer, she sadly passed away in August of this year, she lived with her Dad and I during her illness. To have two people who I loved so much gone is unbearable for me, last Christmas my Dad and now my Daughter and Dad. I feel like I’m suffocating, sheer blind panic, everyone seems to rely on me. My daughter has two sons, I love them dearly, everyone comes to Christmas at our house, I have to do it for them but I don’t think everyone realises how difficult it is for me. The pain is getting more intense, panic attacks, anxiety and depression, it is utter despair. I can relate to what you all say, I to am shopping online can’t bear to watch people scurrying about happily, especially Mums and Daughters. It is just so difficult, I want to fast forward life and Christmas is over, at one time I loved it and so did my beautiful Daughter, nothing will ever be the same again. Warm thoughts and inner peace to you all x

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