I am facing my first Xmas without my hubby and I plan to spend it as we always spent it, celebrating with the family, I know it will be hard, but I’m doing what we both discussed before he died, he was my life, but I know he will looking down happily seeing me get on with life.
My presents are brought and the cards are wrote, but I kept wanting to add his name as I had done for the past 45 yrs, but I didn’t, so I will be with my family and I feel for them also as this is their 1st year without their dad, so they will be hurting as well, not just me, and I will be brave for them as well and will raise a glass to hubby on Christmas morning.
Hello, Sheila. I am also wondering whether counselling is really for me. My doctor suggested Cruse, and put me forward but I have been left in limbo for so long that it hardly seems worth it now. As you so rightly say, there is only one person who could make a difference and he is no longer with me. Whether or not talking to a stranger would really help the devastation I feel, I have no idea and I am inclined to agree with you that all the talking in the world won’t make any difference. I want my husband back here with me but it cannot happen and I will have to get over it the best way I can. At least I had 66 years of mostly happy marriage to him and nothing can take that away. Love, Eileen xx
Hello, Ginny. This is the first Christmas without my husband too, and I shall be spending it with my two sons. It won’t be a bundle of laughs but I will do my best not to upset anyone. It will be 68 years this Christmas since we got engaged and I still have the announcement from the local paper. I am totally devastated but thankful for the long time we were together. Best wishes, Eileen
I used to go to counselling for other things years ago it didnt help at all -the thing that helps me best over losing Mike is talking to his photo and talking at his grave side. People get bored with it all after awhile unfortunately but we dont get over it that quick if ever at all I dont have family to talk to so I have to do that and find it does help me a bit. Life is a struggle and I often wish it had been me who had gone first but oit wasnt so I have to try and get on with life.
Kris, having waited weeks for an appointment, I am losing faith in Cruse who must be inundated with people like me. My sons and daughters have all gone back to their busy lives and don’t seem to want to talk about their Dad any more. I suspect that are still grieving but have plenty of things to keep them busy. I live in a sheltered accommodation flat where I can go days without seeing a soul. It’s a bit like living in a cemetery. At 86, and with a dodgy heart I am hoping my life won’t drag on, although I would not self-harm because of the pain it would cost my family. I just want to be with my husband again as soon as possible. Maybe we will all feel a bit better after Christmas when we can look forward to the spring. Best wishes, Eileen
Christmas is going to be very tough this year as I lost my closest friend in September and I have spent every Christmas with her since my father died on 12 December 2005 and my mother died two years earlier on 9 January. I really have no advice on how to get through Christmas as like you I just want to be with my loved one, try to cope and remember your dear mum by carrying her photo with you wherever you go. Best wishes and I am sorry I cannot help more. A kindred spirit
Hi just read your post. My husband and soul mate died 18th December 2013 and like you the first Christmas was a blur. He went to work and didn’t come home so I took the Christmas cards down and chucked the decorations in the bin. I found the next Christmas harder the shock had worn off and having no children I was envious of the happy families around me. Last year I went away with a friend but she said she missed her family and wouldn’t do it again so this year I am going away on my own with a company who cater for solo travellers. I can’t say I’m getting excited about it but it will be different people probably a lot of them in the same boat as me. Like you there will be tears for the Christmases with my darling Brett just me and him a nice dinner, comfy jogging bottoms and Downton Abbey Christmas special, oh how I miss that. I’m a firm believer in doing what You want to do and not being forced into something you don’t. Have a peaceful Christmas love and best wishes Marilyn x
Morning Sheila it takes a lot of guts to go on my own but I need to do something rather than sit at home. I went away on my own last year with the same company to Spain and u will always find someone to talk to. I will still wish my Brett was here and I would rather be spending it with him but I have great memories like yourself of a loving man and very much missed soul mate. I’m going out for lunch today with a friend, I haven’t seen her for about 3 months!!! You have a good week catch u soon love Marilyn and x
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I hope you have a great time, I may consider doing that too, but this year I need to prove to myself that I can get through Christmas on my own and be ok with it. It is my new reality and I must accept it. Only then can I starts to think about how I spend future christmas’s. xx
Absolutely I couldn’t have done it the first year I am nearly four years on so I’m a bit stronger, but not much I still have dark days x
I have been away on my own many times and am going to christmas hotel alone and saturday night I went to the theatre alone -most of my life is alone!!! I have been abroad on holiday ,many times alone!!!
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Hi Follie I too lost my Mum two weeks ago and honestly want to run away from Xmas I’ve been invited to in laws but I can’t face sitting there when I feel so miserable.Ive been looking at cheap holiday cottages to get away or I’m thinking of going to the beach with my husband and dog and having a picnic as Mum always loved picnics I intend visiting her grave but I’m dreading it.Its hard to get out of bed or even move at the moment I feel numb are you the same ? Hope you come up with a plan I am also avoiding the shops and have told everyone no pressies my husband is sending cards but I’m not And any that come in are just going in a pile I so miss my Mum I just couldn’t save her and I feel so guilty the doctors just wouldn’t listen to me x
Hi Colin, I also feel the same. I lost my amazing Husband in August and I am just existing through the pain. I cant begin to even imagine what Christmas will be like and I will not be forced to join in and put on a smile. I want my Husband for Christmas and I know that no one can give me him. This is TORTURE
Hi Kunklecake,
I personally would prefer to be with Mum Christmas Day, but to save myself from heightened anxiety and the family politics I have decided that I will go to her Christmas Eve with my dog (as they were also very close)
I went last week and her grave was bear, I’d bought some flowers and placed them with her.
What I have decided to do is I will but some plants and on Christmas Eve I will plant them aswell as give her a poinsettier and a Christmas card.
I just don’t know how I will manage without her this year but by spending some time with her the day before I hope this will ease some of my pain.
I am going to take a camp chair and a flask of ‘milky’ coffee and pour her a cup as she always had a ‘cuppa’ on the go. I’ll sit with her for as long as I want and put the world to rights (like we used to do)
I miss her so so much, I still sob nearly every day and it isn’t getting any easier. I have very dark days which I’m struggling with but I don’t want to cause the poeple I love the pain that I’m feeling, so I feel totally stuck. I feel I’m in a dream and I’ll wake up and suddenly everything will ‘be ok’. But deep down I know that isn’t going to help which then plummets me back into that very dark place with no walls, sides or floor.
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Hi
I can relate to you so so much as I assume a lot of others do.
I write to My Wonderful Husband every day I have done since he sadly passed. I pray so much that I am in an awful nitemare and he will be at my side when I wake. I am still in this awful nitemare.
Cannot begin to imagine Christmas or any day without ever seeing, touching, hearing, laughing just being with him.
I have my Husbands ashes in a beautiful scatter tube, also got a ring made with some. Therefore he is always with me, I will spend Christmas with him as I spend each day with him. He is my world and always will be.
Hi Kunzlecake
I am so very sorry to hear about your loss, and sadly I welcome you to the club. We get each other through the really rubbish times.
Two weeks is very recent. Bereavement is rough, especially so near to the holidays.
I spent about 4 weeks feeling like it wasn’t real… even now, (3 1/2 months later) it still feels very peculiar. I have dreams about my mum, you may do the same. Some will bring you comfort, some will be upsetting.
Guilt I can relate to, but it’s not going to bring her back, I’m so sorry 
Be kind to yourself. Do whatever you need to to get through the next few months. Lean on those who love you. They won’t 100% understand how you feel, but they want to be there for you, so let them, and if you find it helps, and if you can, keep talking to people about how you feel.
I find visiting my mum’s grave very upsetting. In the grand scheme of things, a few weeks or months is still very very early days. Everyone promises it will get easier with time, so I’ll say the same to you. I remember the first couple of days, waking up and just lying there, crying. Those days are gone but I do still shed a few tears most days for mum. I think her absence is highlighted now because i’m thinking about all the things I’m going to miss out on with her. I think this time of year it’s important to do whatever feels most comfortable. Going for a walk, writing a card or letter to our loved ones, praying, visiting their new “patch” (I prefer saying “patch” to grave, in the same way that I refer to mum’s wake and funeral as her “leaving party”).
Please keep in touch, let us know how you are, come and talk to us if you want.
Take care x
Hi Eileen,
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling lonely and so sad It sounds very isolating. Is there any way you can tell your family how you feel, the message you wrote? Are you able to get a garden table and chair to sit on at your sheltered accommodation, that way you may see more people, maybe someone else who knows how you feel? I truly hope that you can find the courage or strength to talk to your family and other people about how you feel, and to be heard. There are also local charities which can usually help people with counselling, or friendship groups run by Cruse… Do you think you might be up for trying something new in 2018?
Thinking of you, take care
Kim x
Hello, Kim and thank you for your response to my posting. We have a very nice garden here but no one ever uses it. The same with the community lounge. Coffee morning is attended by the same five people who, once it is over, disappear back into their flats. It’s in very nice surroundings but the most depressing place. I wanted to get a cat but was told that it mustn’t leave my flat. I am not fit enough to take dirt trays about first thing in the morning so I decided not to. I don’t live on the ground floor. My plan is, after Christmas I am going to look for somewhere else to live. I want to stay close to my two sons but I’m sure there must be something better than this. On the other hand, I may start to feel better by then. Who knows? Winter has never been a good time for me anyway. I have been on the waiting list for Cruse for nearly 3 months and they tell me it will be next month before they can help. I hope you are coping with your bereavement. It’s a dreadful feeling knowing that you’ve lost someone you loved so much. Best wishes, Eileen x
I lost my Mum a year ago and facing a 2nd Xmas without her to celebrate with us. I did run away for the first Xmas. My husband could see the dread in my eyes for Xmas and found a cheap apartment abroad and went away for a week with our sons. It was important for us to have a special day for our boys but not to forget Mum. Breaking the usual routine of Xmas was a godsend and whilst away we visited a church and lit a candle for Mum. Try and break your usual routine in some way and do something different and try and remember your loved one in a special way on the day. I’ve not quite worked out what this means for us this year
Thanks Annie C I do hope this year is less painful than last year.The nearer Xmas come the more I dread it I feel it hard to move off the chair at the moment it hurts to think about her even the good memories make me cry .I can’t put the clock back and I’ve got to be great full she didn’t suffer for long but the pain is unbareable wish I had brothers or sisters hope it gets easier feel like I’m shutting down x