Hi Kunzlecake, I feel your pain, I know what you mean when you say you are shutting down, my daughter passed in August and I just can’t deal with life, everything is pressure for me. Only those suffering the same heartache understand, thoughts are with you, take care.
Hi Kimberley
Just wanted to say how much I like your idea of your Mum having a ‘leaving party’. What a nice way of describing it and calling her new home her patch.
Mel
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My Mum passed away nearly 18 months ago and I find the thought of this Christmas worse than last year. I think last year I was still in shock and went along with the idea of a hotel for the whole Christmas and New Year period. My only memory of the time is having to leave the lunch table to go and cry in the toilets. The relative I was with was oblivious and carried on eating.
Like others on here have said I would prefer to be at home on my own and quietly remember Mum. Maybe go for a walk if the weather was not too cold. Instead I am faced with sleeping on a relative’s sofa bed and having to eat food I don’t want or like. The alternative of them descending on me doesn’t bear thinking of. At least I will be able to go home as soon as public transport is working again.
What gets me the most are the jokey Christmas cards people send with cartoon characters on the front and stupid rubbish inside about having the best Christmas ever. I don’t mind a sensible comment such as Seasons Greetings, says all that is needed. I will send cards to Mum’s friends who would be upset if I didn’t (and worry about me) but that is it.
Oh Mel sorry to hear about your loss the pain really is unbearable I was talked into going for a meal at my Mum in laws the day after Mums funeral and obviously I fell apart during the meal .I just don’t think people realise what pain we are going through they say the degree of pain you feel is harder when you Truly loved the person your grieving I think our pain is off the scale.i hope you can get through this Xmas a little easier it’s impossible to hide how you feel I’ve given up trying and as mean as it sounds I am not being forced in to putting on a face when I feel broken . X
Life alone without your family is terrible, this years it is compounded without my soul-mate who died in September. Christmas will be especially difficult without a family and without my soul-mate. When I see all the TV ads for a “family Christmas” I want to be sick. I am not looking forward to Christmas alone.
Hello, Martin. I feel the same, having lost my husband six months ago after being married to him for 66 years. I do have family but they are living their own lives and I feel so lonely without my husband. The TV ads annoy me too as they depict all that we have lost. There is no magic cure for how we feel I’m afraid. I’m sorry that you have no family to help which must be really difficult. At least I have somewhere to go on Christmas Day but I’m not looking forward to it. Take care. Eileen
We are not celebrating Xmas this year having only lost Mum on 18th November we are taking dogs to the beach and having sandwiches to get away from the TV and watching everyone being so happy when we feel crap. Do you have a dog they are great company especially a rescue dog you still feel rubbish with immense grief but it does help as you can’t ignore them. We don’t have children just the two of us Ive looked after mum for 41 years i miss her so much just wish i could put the clock back x
Hello
I understand your pain and your grief and that desire to be alone with thoughts of your Mum but she would not want you to be sad forever do your grieving but also do things that would make her happy like spending time with your family at Christmas
I lost my son just over 2 weeks ago an I’m also dreading the coming festivities and wonder how people can move on and not care
But they can’t and won’t experience the sane emotions as you so through my experience I have learnt to find a quiet space or be with someone who is willing to listen and talk about my son and tell me stories of his life as I didn’t spend much time with him
Celebrate Mum and mourn her but don’t dwell and just remember the good times
I’m told the pain will ease but I’m not able to say whether that will happen as right now the pain and emptiness is overwhelming
Take care x
Hi Aunya my thoughts are also with you words just aren’t enough to express the pain and emptiness you must be feeling. i also lost a very close friend at only 37 last October i spent a lot of time with her family but now i am grieving for my Mum they seem to of disappeared .I understand what you mean about pressure i can’t make any decisions at the moment and if i do i seem to make the wrong choice. I sound terrible but i just wane xmas and new year behind me…
Hi Ginfig
I’m so so sorry to hear about your Son, my thoughts really do go out to you.
Thank you also for your kind message - at the time where you must be in so much pain yourself.
I agree with you - Mum would hate for me to be sad, I will have my ‘me time’ with her on a Christmas Eve.
Do you have family to support you? We’re a good bunch on here and always have an ear to lend for whatever reason.
Take care
X
Hi Kunzlecake, no you don’t sound terrible at all, you are just being honest, did you try and contact your friends family surely they would understand how you are feeling right now. I also lost my Dad last November while my daughter was sick and receiving her treatment, so last Christmas I think I was on automatic pilot, this year is just horrendous, panic and anxiety and spending more time in bed, I feel I just can’t cope, My daughter has two boys whom I love dearly so I know I will have to make an effort for them. Don’t be hard on yourself, if you can’t do things that’s ok, I think we tend to put the pressure on ourselves, when I feel it all getting too much I go upstairs for a while, my only description of it is like a speeding train hitting me in the chest, sometimes I think I’m losing my mind with the constant question of why? why did it happen? sadly there is no answers! Take care and look after yourself.
Thanks Aunya sounds like you had a terrible time last November hope this Xmas is less painful . I know exactly what you mean about the speeding train i feel constantly panicky and seem to be making lots of mistakes i even keep imagining I’ve just seen Mum so also understand the losing your mind with grief its so hard to function the least thing and I’m crying which I’ve never done before I’m wearing myself out with what ifs and trying so slowly to go through Mums clothes its all so terrible i just want to put the clock back and i would of shouted louder at the doctors to do something instead of being polite for weeks and nothing getting sorted i was Mums carer for 41 years yet i so feel like i let her down at the end its horrible as everything was taken out of my hands and it all happened so quickly yet i wouldn’t of wanted her to suffer i just can’t accept whats happened and now with the Gp saying i have to get answers from the hospital as it didn’t add up to him i am numb again …
Hi Kunzlecake, of course you wouldn’t have wanted your Mum to suffer, but all the questions going through your head is very normal, what if I had done this or that. We all live with those thoughts on different levels, could I have said more or done more! I suppose it is human nature, I relieve my daughters 13 months of illness, the pain and the horror of it all and what she bravely endured, I want to shut off but I can’t, every waking moment it’s there. I hope you find some peace, maybe leave your Mums clothes for a while, there is no time limit, do it at your own pace when you feel stronger, it is all so very raw for you. Take care, big hugs
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Hi Aunya,I do know just how you are feeling,I have my Son’s funeral next week and I really do not know how I am going to survive it,I have tended to cut people out of my life this past couple of weeks but it was something my husband said made me realise he is suffering as much as I am…so today we got my son’s two dogs in the car and went down to the beach I can’t say it was easy for everywhere we went brought back so many happy memories which are now filled with such sorrow, I loved him so much and I just can’t get used to the thought I will never see him again…Thinking of you and sharing your pain…xx
Hi Marina m2 I am so sorry for your loss and totally understand that dreadful feeling before the funeral and facing life after without your loved one. We lost Mum suddenly three weeks ago and absolutely nothing is right since her passing every day is a challenge and i get to bed with a sigh of relief its another one over with. We are spending xmas day on the beach in our camper van having a picnic (Mum loved Picnics) as the thought of having a xmas celebration without her is out of the question my husband has written the xmas cards as i can’t face it and we are not celebrating in any way i just want to go to bed and get up next year not that it would be any different. Its strange but you do seem to get a inner strength to get through the funeral i have been in a bubble for the last few weeks i think the shock makes you feel numb lots of love sent to you and your family xxx
Your comments about loosing your mum, have rung true for me I lost a very close friend in September: every night I go to bed with relief as I know sleep will give me some respite from my overwhelming grief which I feel when I am awake. I don’t have a wife or any family, Anne was my older sister and partner in every way but name. I am missing her so much that I wish I could be with her rather than on Earth grieving. Christmas will not be the same without her…best wishes Martin
Hi Martin thanks for your response so very sorry to hear your grief is so deep and painful it really does hurt deep deep down like a permanent knot in your stomach,people say the pain is a reflection of how much you truly loved someone…I try not to think about Mum at night as i just can’t sleep i try to put the nice memories in my mind but i just keep getting back to the last memories which blooming hurt . I honestly don’t think i will ever get over this as i cared for Mum for the last 41 years she was also my Best friend and i feel so helpless that i couldn’t save her I have been advised by my GP to approach the hospital complaints proceedure but I’m hurting so much i don’t have the strength at the moment I wish i could just wake up and put things back three weeks but miracles just dont happen xx
Hi Kunzlecake I am so sorry for the death of your Mum, they are your guiding light and inner strength just to have a Mothers arms around you takes away all pain,I lost my Mum many years ago when she was very young so I know how you are feeling.I find nights are a great comfort its the only to escape reality but it’s also the dread of another day when you awake I find these last few mornings I wake up to a massive panic…it is such a help to come on here to talk to people knowing they are feeling the same too. Take care xx
I’m sorry about your losses, and thank you so much for sharing. Reading all the comments about people dreading Christmas made feel that I’m not alone. I lost my beloved granny on 1st December very suddenly. We were very close and she really was the heart and soul of our family. My heart is absolutely broken, I’m trying to keep it together for my 2 boys but it’s so hard. We are hosting Christmas this year and I want to call it off. I haven’t told the boys that that she won’t be coming… I just can’t do it… My eldest( 7) thinks of her as his favorite family member and is already asking why she hasn’t rang for a while.
Hi Lia,
Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your beloved granny. I’m glad that you’ve found this site and that reading the other posts here is helping you to feel less alone. Now is a time to be kind to yourself and take things day by day. It’s important to have outlets for your feelings, whether that’s by talking to friends and family or writing things down here.
Telling children such sad news is incredibly hard, but it is important to do, as children are perceptive, and can pick up on your emotions, and your eldest is already asking questions. This leaflet from Child Bereavement UK offers some useful advice: https://childbereavementuk.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/Explaining_to_young_children_that_someone_has_died-1.pdf
We also have some advice on the Sue Ryder website on supporting children after someone has died: https://support.sueryder.org/practical-emotional-advice/how-can-i-support-child-bereavement
Winston’s Wish also offers lots of support and resources on how to support bereaved children: https://www.winstonswish.org/
You don’t have to hide the fact that you are sad from your boys - letting them see that you are sad will help them to understand that sharing emotions is ok, and that they can share their own with you.