My Mum passed away Oct 3rd. Had 5 traumatic days of watching her. Day after me and my Dad was down Funeral place as he wanted it done asap. I regret rushing it and being afraid to speak my own mind because I wanted to help him cope. So we have got the Funeral and Wake happening at a Hotel but no Cremation for us to go to because Dad didn’t want to travel to the Crem after being at other funerals in the past that he said were miserable and because it was a longer wait time. Its killing me the fact that my Mum will be in Coffin sealed up from the Hotel back to Funeral place until the next morning to then be taken to Crem on her own. I know she’s gone but I feel so wrong about this. Same time I had to respect my Dads wishes. They were together for 65 years. Me and Mum were very close. She wouldn’t have wanted to be sealed for nearly a day after as she hated small spaces. I can’t get over the mentality of it. My Dad had also said when he rushed the arrangements that he didn’t like the thought of her being on her own up until the Funeral but I can no longer understand this as she’ll be completely sealed after the Funeral and Wake on her own and Cremated on her own!
Also Dad wanted it public which I didn’t want. She was known to a good many people. How do I deal with this? Its too late to change it now as its this week 23rd. Barely 3 weeks has passed since she left, barely had time to mourn yet I know I can afterwards but am feeling incredibly angry and anxious about that and so many ppl that I don’t even know. Am supposed to read a poem I wrote but doubt I will be able to and then I will feel bad that I didn’t and that the Celebrant will read it when its not her words to read. Please advise. Has anyone else been through a Funeral that they had to accept through other people, that didn’t really have a say in it?? My Dad said in the beginning that it was up to me too, but it hasn’t been. Both him and my Sister have the same voice wheras mine gets unheard. Maybe am being selfish. Sorry this is so long.
Hi Sunflower26,
This is just heartbreaking to read.
Is there any way you can go to the crem even if no one else does.
Have a conversation about it before it’s too late.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Hi Seychelles,
Thank you. I called the Crematorium earlier, not allowed into the Chapel but can stand just outside the doors and see them walk Coffin in until the curtain closes I think. Thats the best I could do. Could have service Fri at a price but she’ll have been in the Coffin sealed for even longer so I cannot do that. I think I will see how I feel after the service later that day or early the next morning. Its a horrible road near the town. I say horrible as am not a confident driver at all but don’t currently have anyone else wanting to take me.
You can’t do it alone, no way!
I did things alone.
I went to see my husband on my own and my dad after both died separately. I did not think I could not go on my own. No one else wanted to. At least did not have other people saying stuff like let’s go when I stayed as long as I liked did as I liked and glad forever more that I did. Took photos criticised after by those who disapproved. I do not care what other people think of my right to do what I wanted. I said good bye to my mum also thirty years ago before her funeral. It is what it is
I am, so sorry that you lost your momma. It is such a heartache, unlike any other.
Please do not spend another minute thinking of your mom in a sealed coffin while waiting for cremation. Honey, she is not there. Her soul has returned to Heaven and she has no fears anymore.
Release this burden from yourself. There is no reason whatsoever to accompany the coffin to the crematorium. Don’t do this to yourself. Let the funeral home do what it does as it the proper and normal thing to do.
Read your poem, through tears and all. You won’t ever regret it.
Much love,
Sorry you had that loss. Yeah I know what you mean in having more time without others. I will just see how I feel after the main Funeral and Wake tomorrow, thank you.
Thank you.
Yes i know shes not physically there anymore. I guess i still have this protection thing going on. After caring for her for so long. Guess i still think she might be looking down not happy that no ones attending her Cremation and being left in Coffin til next day. She never wanted to be buried so it feels abit like that til the next day.
But if I feel the need to go and say my final bye the next day morning after as the Funeral and Wake is going to be a public event, then thats what I will do.
Not sure what poem you mean as I havent showed any poem online. I have written one though to say tomorrow if I can find the strength to read it myself.
Thank you.
Hi Sunflowers 26,
I can understand how you feel and I am sure you will do whatever feels right after the service.
At my mum’s funeral I wanted desperatly to sit next to the coffin in the church and I just wanted to be near her as like you I cared for my mum and we were always together. Sitting in the front pew seemed so far away from her and I just wanted to scream.
From what you have written I feel you really want to go to the crem and even if you stand outside then at least you personally will feel you were with her. Just a thought but could you ask a friend to drive you. Driving on difficult roads when you are grieving and upset will be hard so try to find someone to help you.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing
Sending love
Deborah