A few months ago I decided I couldn’t be at home in the days around what will be the first anniversary of my husband dying. I couldn’t face sitting there remembering the paramedics, the journey to the hospital, the time spent there and then the final hours. So I thought it was a good idea to book a holiday - what was I thinking!
I picked a place we had never been to before and a different airport. I opted for abroad because if the weather isn’t great in the UK (a good chance, as it’s Feb!), I know I will be cross with myself for spending money when I could’ve just stayed at home! I know, it’s illogical.
I needed a new, smaller suitcase and got one today in the sale at Tesco; I’m pleased with it but I can’t look forward to the holiday because then I feel like I’m looking forward to the anniversary and daft as it sounds, I really don’t want to arrive at that day. I don’t want the reality check. I like my blinkers and plodding on one day at a time. I’ve achieved a lot of what we planned together, but it’s nothing without him here.
I feel like such a contradiction. Outwardly I’m working, fulfilling all my responsibilities, making an effort to be sociable etc. but it doesn’t fill the hole. I can sit at home in the quiet of an evening and it’s like I’m in a void; all the “noise” has disappeared and it’s just me, completely and utterly numb and devoid of thoughts and emotions until I “mentally give myself a shake” and get back in the day because what else am I going to do? Life has to go on and I need to carry on for my family.
Apologies for the long post, but I felt I needed to get this off my chest in a safe space. Thank you for reading x
You were and seem much braver than me .by booking a holiday I mean .it will be a good time to reflect on happy memories .as well as doing your daily activities which I am struggling with at the moment .I don’t want to see anyone but my dad whom I’ve lost .
I’m not sure I’m brave, it was more about self-preservation. I hope I can reflect on happy memories and I will definitely be writing in my journal as this is my way of telling him what I’ve seen, what I’m doing etc. Talking to him, just not out loud.
We all have time when we struggle with daily activities; I’m quite strong willed so I can usually get through that by going into automatic mode. It’s the little things with me - times when we might have watched a TV programme or popped out somewhere. I can do it on my own, but sometimes it hurts more than others.
Hang in there, you’re not alone. Take care.
I agree, the small, together, everyday things are what I miss the most.
I can’t think of further than a week at a time.
Really feel for you, I’m at 7 months and also dreading his anniversary. You know that wherever you are or whatever you’re doing it’s going to be a difficult day with all those memories flooding back. So maybe it may help in some small way to be somewhere completely different.
I have booked to be away for my partners birthday in a few months time - not sure if I should have or not. But I know the space away will give me time just for me and him with no-one else to be thinking about. I hate my new life without him, and so im hoping it will take me away from that for a short time. Take care - he will be with you on your travels x