My mum passed away this morning at home and I believe it was peaceful. After being diagnosed with bowel cancer over a year and a half ago, the last couple of days seemed to happen quite quickly. She was quite agitated and worried about being breathless this morning when carers came (we have only had them start visiting in the last 2 days) but I used a fan and tried to tell her not to panic, that we would fix it and to just relax and slow her breathing- which she did, and she passed within about 20-30 minutes while I was holding her shoulder and chatting to the nurses who arrived to give her some injections. I just hope I managed to get her calm enough.
I have been with her almost 24/7 since her diagnosis. Every appointment, every chemo session I would wait around the hospital, I lived with her, cared for her, we did everything together. I am dreading the moment I wake up tomorrow and realise shes not here anymore. I lost my Dad when I was 13 (29 now) so I know what it feels like, and I just dont want to go to sleep because Im scared of my dreams.
I feel your pain I lost my beloved dad a week ago to duodenal cancer (he was only diagnosed in April after going to the drs in Jan and being told all was ok).
He was my hero, I am lucky and still have my mum but she suffered a brain bleed when she was only 38 whilst I was still at primary school and our roles almost reversed that day and I become the parent helping to care for her. She is sound of mind but paralysed. My dad worked full time, cared for her and brought me and my brother up.
He was an amazing dad and grandad, my best friend, I always felt safe with him around. I always knew he would take care of us and I’m struggling to go to sleep, as like you I hate the waking up and realising the reality of my new life. I also get flash backs to his passing I was with him in the hospice. I stayed through the night and was there in the morning when he passed but it wasn’t peaceful. I visited him yesterday at the funeral home as I thought it may help but although he looked peaceful he didn’t look like my dad. He’d lost 4stone since January.
It all seems so unfair it was the 2nd time he’s fought cancer, previously beating bowel cancer 12years ago. He wasn’t old, didn’t smoke or drink and was good person as is my mum. Why does it happen to people like that?
Like you I took him to all chemo/oncology appointment etc and cared for both of them for the last 4months but always with the hope my dad would beat it again and be able to take over caring for mum again. Now I have to work out what’s best for her care too.
I don’t know what to say to make you feel better as I haven’t worked that out for myself yet but know you’re not alone and I will be thinking of you.
Hello llex, do not dwell in the past nor the future. Dwelling in the past will invite depression, whereas dwelling in the future will invite anxiety. This doesn’t mean forgetting our mums; it means it’s best to avoid getting stuck in patterns of memories and flashbacks. We do this by living in the moment. It isn’t easy when your pain is so fresh and raw but in time you will grow stronger mentally to have the courage to let go. Mental strength isn’t so much about carrying on when times are rough, but acceptance and letting go of our denials and guilts. My heart goes out to you.
I’m so very sorry. Are you alone or do you have a friend or relative who can keep you company tonight or call you first thing in the morning? I was alone and I lived with my dad, so I was alone in that house, and I ended up calling helplines. They can be surprisingly good and it makes a difference to hear a sympathetic voice. Sometimes people on here are up late too. Keeping the TV or the radio on can help with the silence. Sending lots of hugs.
Are you alone or do you have a friend or relative who can keep you company tonight or call you first thing in the morning? I was alone and I lived with my dad, so I was alone in that house, and I ended up calling helplines. They can be surprisingly good and it makes a difference to hear a sympathetic voice. Sometimes people on here are up late too. Keeping the TV or the radio on can help with the silence. Sending lots of hugs. 