TW/ the nightmare i saw was pretty haunting…so don’t read this if you guys are still struggling hard to cope up with your parent’s passing
I dreamt of my mom exactly 3 times since her passing…the 1st one was kind of a bittersweet dream where she was in the kitchen and i was apologizing how i couldn’t save her and how sorry i am and my mom hugged me and said it was okay and i will be okay…this was a few days after her funeral
I don’t exactly remember the 2nd one, only thing i remember is we were out on a picnic and we were really happy…maybe i don’t remember it because it was a really happy dream and my brain is too fucked up to store that one and only happy moment i had with my mom after she was gone and instead is trying to drown me further in pain.
The third one was today morning and it was a nightmare…she died again in my dream and i called for help no one was there to help my mom and neither could i…even now as i am writing this i can still her loud wails as she struggled to breath and i can’t get it out of my ears…i lost her again in my dreams and all i could do was cry and cry and listen to her heartbeat slowly fading away…why did i dreamt that ???..i lost her two times, in real life and in my dreams too. .i couldn’t save her both the times…and now i feel 1000 times more sorry and my heart is in so much pain…i don’t think i will ever forget this dream…i think it will haunt me forever just like the wheezing sounds i accidently heard when i talked to my dad over phone minutes before she passed…i only heard the sounds then and now my dream has given me a picture to go with it as well…it was haunting and so so sad and heartbreaking…the only thing that gets me going right now is that she is not in pain anymore and her sufferings ended that day…even though i will be suffering more and more till the day i die i am kind of happy that she is not in pain anymore…but i hope i won’t be having nightmares like this again because losing her two times is more than enough and i don’t want to relive that moment again and again…i don’t think my heart could take anymore of that.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. Nightmares can be so hard to cope with.
I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.
What a tough experience - so sorry, Amu. I’ve also had some weird dreams since my husband died, and generally when I think them through I can work out what my mind is trying to tell me. I’m just wondering if your dream might be a reflection of the sense of guilt you feel because you couldn’t help your mum? None of us would survive living forever in our first distress and loss - I’m thinking maybe your dream is trying to drag you back to that point, because you feel so bad about how your mum went? I’m sure she would hate to feel you were suffering so. I hope you have sweeter dreams very soon x
You are actually right and i know that too… My mom was barely over 50, she didn’t had any major health concerns…it was just a fever and she only stayed in the hospital for a day and the next day she was gone…even the doctors weren’t concerned why she was so damn tired and how she wasn’t breathing properly…and i still believe if the doctors gave us a hint that something was wrong we would’ve gone to a better hospital, but they were like “she is fine, she just needs to eat”…everytime i think about it, i feel so angry at them and myself because i am a pretty anxious person and i am the one who always asks others to go to another hospital or consult another doctor but this time i didn’t even think about it ??? And my grandma says that it was fate and it was her time to go and that’s why no one even thought about getting her to another hospital, not even herself (we are Hindus and in our religion it is believed that whenever it’s someone’s time to go no one will be able to hold them back)…but no matter how much i try to console myself by thinking that, some part of my unconscious (or conscious? ) mind is still blaming myself.
Also, some part of my mind still haven’t accepted that she is gone and it’s been 2months…some part of me still believes that she just went out and she will be back at the end of the day and at night when i realise that she isn’t coming back, that’s when it becomes so hard and scary and that’s when i start to blame myself…maybe i am having nightmares because i cry myself to sleep every day…i know i have to stop doing this to myself, but it’s so hard and i feel so lonely without her…i have so many loved ones around me but mom is mom and i have always been a mom child, so it’s especially so hard for me to accept her passing…i hope one day i can forgive myself and i hope the saying "time heals all wounds " is true…i am only 25, maybe it’s the immaturity holding me back…and maybe i will learn how to accept this phase of my life and learn how to move on…
Anyway thank you so much for replying to me…and i hope you are doing fine…please take care
I really feel for you in this, such a hard situation. You are NOT to blame though - nobody is. You are surrounded by people who are older and more experienced than you, who also loved your mum and would want the best for her, and they will all be feeling just as you do, wishing they’d known the right thing to do, hoping what they did do was right. And it’s absolutely normal to have that weird feeling that the person who’s gone isn’t really gone. Every day things come up and I think, “Oh, I must tell my husband that,” and then have that awful missed-a-step feeling remembering he isn’t here to tell. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re just grieving.
Something that really helps me is that I keep an old jotter handy and whenever I feel overwhelmed by things, I write a letter to my husband in it. So far that’s been at least once every day, sometimes more. I find it stops things going round and round in my head. It’s a chance to tell him as often as I want to how much I love and miss him, and how sorry I am I didn’t do a better job when he was here. I even keep him up to date with all the news, because, who knows, maybe he can read it? You might find it a helpful thing to try, especially in those dark sad nights? Hope you will soon see the rainbow in the storm x