It’s now been 3 months since she died, which is kind of insane to even think about. I genuinely don’t think I will ever process this loss, she’s on my mind every day.
I keep having dreams about her. In the dream I go to visit a school, and get lost and go to ask the figure in the distance coaching netball (she was my netball coach) for help. Then when they turn around and its her. It’s weird because in the dream she is dead and I know she’s dead, but she’d also stood there and we talk and it’s not weird that we are, if that makes sense. The rest of the dream is literally just us having a conversation, about her kids and how she hopes they’re okay, and just generally what it’s like being dead. She says she doesn’t regret it, even though she misses her family. I love seeing her to be honest, even though it’s not real, I love hearing her voice and getting to talk to her again. I miss her so so so much, god I wish she was still here.
If you are struggling mentally please reach out and get help, suicide will never ever be the right choice, coming from someone who has struggled with depression for the past 5 years. I’ve witnessed my entire community grieve this loss, and the hurt and shock everyone is suffering can’t be put into words. You are loved and valued more than you know, I promise you! If only she could’ve seen how many people showed to her funeral, I can’t help but think things would be different.
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Hi @anonymous,
I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I just wanted to say thank you for so bravely sharing this with us. Keep reaching out. 
Alex
@anonymous
I’ve come across you twice now, and twice feel compelled to respond - so many similarities.
I dream of my friend too….and she’s not present or has left at the beginning, then she’s there - in all her beauty, with a smile and happiness on her face…we hug, I wake up. And I cry. Again.
Like you (once the tears have stopped!), I am so glad I saw, talked and hugged her, if only in a dream (she had addictions, got clean and sadly the real world was still too lacking and traumatic for her) - because her not being here is horrible and it all seems so cruel. At least in dreams she’s still with me.
Every sentence you wrote, I mirror; depression’s been around half my life, but managed mostly, and I have only ever felt bad enough to want to leave once. I was lucky and didn’t act on it and life is okay.
I don’t think this loss will ever wane. I’ve lost both my parents, as well as friends and family, and they all hurt like absolute sh… But I think suicides are different. It’s not the natural order of things is it? We aren’t supposed to choose to leave…it’s not usually something in our control. And I think that’s the difference - because there was a choice, and if there was a choice why couldn’t they choose to stay…? Or call someone, or reach out…? I suppose it’s the questions that differ from a natural death - and I’m not sure if they go. That’s why I have to believe that their intention was not a cry for help and they were determined to leave…and that it was an inevitable end for them, whether now or at some point. Maybe, in time, you could see your loss and friend that way?
We all fight on through it - and I read that it had helped by writing it down? Keep writing because feelings out are better than feelings in honey.
I do hope that you find your peace - whatever that way is