I have just woke up from a dream with paul in it , it was so real to me it woke me up because i was crying it was a mixture of two days one where he was fine and could still walk and we had been out to the shops together (hombargains) i was wanting some lights to go on the ramp we have outside then it changed to xmas day and we where on our own having xmas dinner that i had made and we where enjoying it then i was crying and woke up and could not stop crying because i jnew it was a dream and i have no one to tell any of this to oh how is wish i had one friend that i could ring in the morning and tell all off this to but i dont i wish i had made more friends but i did not as not enough time in a day for that with all that went into looking after paul and i would not change a thing about that at all i loved him to much for that i lut it all on here and think why do i do this people dont want to listen to me but i have to do something i know that it is this time of the year its xmas it does it me every year xmas day is the one day that we had to ourselfs no carers no nurses just us two and i made xmas dinner for us both we loved it but now its just me so i do not do xmas dinner any more whats the point i just have a sandwich and a coffee and cannot wait for it to be over it , it is the worst day ever feeling that lonely with no one to talk to no one to say merry xmas to and no one to talk to on the phone and say merry xmas to so hard easy when there is two of you invites come in but when you are on your own nobody invites you anymore so i have not been invited to any xmas dinners in 5 years thats what makes it hard i wish people would think about people like us that are alone on that day as it is the hardest day when you just sit there and think what it used to be like maybe my phone might ring that day but i kniw it wont as there is no one that will ring now as they are all gone and they dint ring from heaven
Hello Sassychic
I’m so sorry to hear how you are feeling, that sounds really hard. Dreams can feel so real, and it’s normal to find that your dreams about Paul has triggered your grief.
Christmas and other occasions can feel extra difficult when someone you love has died. We have some advice about coping with grief at Christmas here: Coping with grief at Christmas | Sue Ryder
We have lots more support we can offer you at Grief support services | Sue Ryder as well.
Please do use any of our services that you would find helpful. The community is here for you too.
Take care, Naoise
Hi Sassychic,
I feel for you. I can imagine how lost you feel when you’re awake. Every day is so hard to get through. I lost my husband in September 2025. I miss him and talk to him every single day. I often beg him to come to my dreams, but sadly I’ve only dreamt of him once, and it was very short. I can only remember that we cuddled and kissed each other. I could feel his warmth! When I was awake, more tears came down…
Hi sam
I can feel your.pain i miss paul everyday i dream a lot about him i think its because i have epilepsy and my mind never shuts off and he is always in my thoughts day and night i know its been 5 years since he went but i was just not ready for all of this being so alone my doctors want me to go to bereavment cafw and meet people that are like me in the same situation but i just dont want to its frightening , i had a best freind at work when i was working and she changed when u was off work sick an nothing was the same so i dont like to let people in to my life as i can get very hurt and that scares me it easier in here as we are all in the same boat and you are just talking about how you feel and i feel i cannor get hurt on here
Hi @Sam08092024 you are right everyday is so hard, you are in such early days. I am further down the line than you as I lost my partner in April, I have not dreamt of him yet and so yearn to see him in a dream.
Hi @Linda01 I hope you get your wish and see your partner in a dream soon. I lost my Heather back in January and until earlier this week had been unable to dream of her, despite desperately wanting to.
In real life the hospital missed a chance to spot her cancer and, instead of having a few years to come to terms with what was happening, she died within weeks of her diagnosis. It happened so fast, and she lost the ability to communicate so quickly, that I never got the chance to say goodbye or properly comfort her before she went. Something I feel so overwhelmingly guilty about.
But in the dream she’d had the diagnosis when it should have happened and we were lying in our bed together discussing what she wanted to do in the time she had left. Trips to New York and Orlando were top of her list. And as we talked I also got the chance to tell her all the things I never managed to say while she lay dying. I even got the chance to say how sorry I was for not saying goodbye properly in real life.
She told me she knew how I felt and how much I loved her and that I shouldn’t worry. I felt so warm and comforted in a way I haven’t felt since she died.
Then she said she needed the toilet and left the bed. After a few minutes she hadn’t come back and I started to get worried. So much so that I woke myself up. The dream had felt so vivid and colourful but now I found myself alone in the dark in a cold bed.
For a fraction of a second I thought she must still be in the toilet but then reality came back to me and I knew I was alone. That moment was overwhelming and I felt like she’d died again but, despite the pain that brought, I felt a sense of relief that I had finally dreamt about her and been able to tell her all the things I didn’t manage to do in real life.
Writing this down has been so difficult because the tears just start again as soon as I think about it. But I honestly wouldn’t trade having that dream for anything (short of actually having Heather back) and I yearn for them even more now - however much pain they might bring.
Hi blue canary
I am so sorry for your loss i know how it feels to dream about them i have had a few dreams about paul he had had a accident at 44yrs old which damaged his spinal cord and he was in a wheelchair but in my dreams he is not in the wheelchair he is fine and he is younger and wearing a white shirt its so good to dream of him as he is talking to me which before paul passed away he was not talking he had gine into hospital with a chest infection it was in covid time and i could not.go with him i was defestated at that then only been allowed to visit for 1hr a day i knew things where not right as he was not talking and this doctor told me they had stopped opening his bowels j was so angry with them as i new what this meant he would.not pull through this at all the infection got into his bowel.and then that was it i begged rhem to make hime better i would.pay privately for them to save him but they where not going to do this it was august bank holiday and on the tuesday when the other doctor was back i had rang and they told me i could go up and be with him all day i did not think anything bad at all when i got ther the doctor said she wanted to talk to me and i still never twigged she came back after her meeti g and took me to another room and got a.nurse to ait wirh paul still i did not twig then she sat me down and told me paul had 24 to 48 hrs left to live i just went into shock mode and told her i wanted him home as i had made a.promise ro him that if we ever got told any bad news i would make sure he could come home to die at home and the doctor asked me do you have a care team whuch we did so they needed to come in and the doctor would talk to them claire from my care team came in and spoke to both of us paul could hear but not answer but he could let claire know he wanted to go home they where wonderful and i finally got him home it was when i saw my lovely nieghbour david that all my tears came out it was the friendly face that did it we got paul.settled into his bed and my family came up to say goodbye it was only when his nephew jason came in and i said to paul jason’s here that he put his head to one side and passed away claire said ro me that he had gone but i said no he is just sleeping but claire said no sarah he has gone i never got a chance to say goodbye i was not allowed to give him a kiss on his lips because the infection and the liquid that was in his mouth i felt so cheated out of everything even the funeral was only 14 allowed and they had put a barrier roynd him so we could not even get to him and i do not know why all of that because of covid and he did not even have covid this is rhe first time since losing paul that i have written this or told anyone about it as it very hard even after 5 yrs yes its 5yrs and i still feel the same i have been crying writing this its so very hard being left here on your own without the one you love so much
I really hope that I eventually dream as you have done. It sounded amazing …….until you wake as reality is there staring in the face .
You should not feel guilty about anything, your Heather would not want you to and she would understand.
Thank you for the message when it was so clearly painful for you to write down.
I hope you get many more dreams and they bring you some sort of comfort . Take care
Hi @Sassychic
I’m so sorry to hear about everything you and Paul went through. I can’t imagine how hard going through all of that during Covid must have been for you.
I’m so glad you felt able to share your experiences with me after all this time not speaking or writing about it. I know from my own grief that nothing really helps when you’ve lost the love of your life but I hope that you at least got some comfort from being able to put it into words.
It sounds like you and Paul loved each other very much and I’m glad you were able to bring him home for his final hours. Heather wanted that too but we didn’t have the right setup and no one wanted to put it in place given how fast she was deteriorating. The hospice and the hospice staff were wonderful though, and I’m so relieved she didn’t die in hospital.
Take care of yourself
Hi @Linda01
Thank you for those kind words.
When I’ve felt really down I’ve found some solace from reading these community pages, but rarely feel the need to post. But when I read @Sam08092024 comments and your reply it triggered something. I think it was your use of the word ‘yearn’ because that was exactly how I felt before this week.
I wish you both have your dreams soon.
Take care
Hi Sassychic,
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering from your own condition. plus dreadfully miss your Paul!
I had a brainstem stroke when I was 45 after an operation in my left ear. My hubby was my rock. His support and smile gave me huge courage. I am still troubled when I walk. but I am still working part-time, living alone with my sweety dog Alfie. We used to look after Alfie 4 days a week. Before his passing, he asked the lady ‘please do not ever stop taking Alfie to Sam’. The kind lady gave Alfie to me on the funeral.
When I look at Alfie I cannot stop crying because that was my hubby’s dying wish. I often feel so sad that my hubby could help me to fight my stroke, but I could not help him to fight with the horrible cancer. I could not do anything but watch him die! 
I am here again. I often come here when I am very very sad and tearful. Thanks for listening. We all have to cope, there is no option. the world is so cruel. 
Hi Sam
Your so right it is a cruel world sorry te here about your stroke and you husbands cancer this world dealt my paul with so much he had an fall down a flight of stairs at the age of 44 concrete floor not very forgiving he fractured his scull and damaged his spinal cord which meant a wheelchair and he could not go back to work but he coped with it all with a smile on his face he then got prostrate cancer that one threw me into a panic as you never know if that’s it but he had a operation and they removed and he did that with a smile me I was in tears then came the strokes 6 in total with the last one doing a lot of damage he could no longer stand up and needed a lot of help but he still smiled through it he had 3 bought of pneumonia he was due to have an operation to put a bag on him for his bowel but he got pneumonia and they could not do it so we did opening his bowel everday at home I learned a lot of things that I needed to do for him I had a nursing team in 6 days a week and 8 carers per day and 1 nightsitter so as I could get some sleep as you can see I had a very busy house I learnt how to change a catheter, how to do bladder wash outs,give injections help to open his bowel for him he had a lot of trust in me and new I was confident to do anything for him he would tell people if they got it wrong to leave it sarah will sort it out and I did I was a nurse without qualifications but I did not mind doing it as he was my husband and I would do anything for him ,then he got a chest infection it was not that bad and we had meds at home for that my little room was like a small boots pharmacy my nurses where in aur of me as to what I could do for him and what meds I had in for him that is why I cannot understand why he had to go into hospital for a chest infection which I was treating at home and one of hiscarers was a registered nurse who was with us that day I had never heard paul ever say he wanted to go into hospital as he never liked them and it was in covid time so I was not allowed to go with him and only allowed 1hour per day visit and that is when it all went wrong they stopped opening his bowel and the doctor told me that and I said why have you done that you know what that means for him it now means that his bowels back up and poison him you know that she then said we will start it back up now but it was to late I was told on the 1st September he had 24 to 48 hours left to live so I wanted him home I had made him a promise that I would do that for him and I was not going to break that I had the most greatest homcare team in the world a small family run company and they where fantastic Claire came to the hospital to sort everything out and get him home as she new it was what we wanted then she and the other carers went to my home and waited for oxygen to be delivered then we got a ambulance to take us home I went with paul in the ambulance as they had been told if he passed away in the ambulance they had to turn back and I was not about to let that happen no matter what I left my car in the car park at the hospital and someone could get it for me later we got home and when I saw my lovely neighbour I broke down then ,they took paul in and they got him settled in bed and Charlotte our other carer made me a coffee then my family came to say there goodbyes to him he was a truly loved man by my family and I thought I still had some time with him but his nephew turned up and I said to him jason was here and he just turned his head to me and passed away that was so hard as I thought I have a bit of time with him but no paul just passed away so quietly I was so heartbroken because of all the infection I was not allowed to kiss him on his lips because the infection was leaking out my nephew Dale was the one who sat with me while I cried and said what do I do now he has gone and left me all alone Dale was and still is my rock in all of this but I feel so terrible putting it all on him but he is so much like his uncle Paul that is because of all the time he spent with us at least I have him ,paul passed away 12 days before his birthday and his birthday means a lots to me as it was the day we got engaged on in September 1975 , pauls family are no help at all his nice went over to where pauls plot is as her mum and dad are there and it was on Paul’s birthday she knows how hard his birthday is for me and she put flowers on mum and dad’s then took a picture then went to uncle Paul’s took a picture and sent the to me to say his looked a bit unkept and maybe I could get Dale to help me with it , I told Dale and showed him the picture that boy went over there put some gravel stones on it and planted a plant and then sent me the picture of it and said he had done this for both of us what a lovely thing to do for me when I was feeling so low I have never told all of this to anybody before and feel like I have done an essay I do not know how I have managed through the tears but I feel all of this helps me I do hope you do not mind
Sarah
Oh Sarah,
I am so so sorry to hear all this! I held my breathe when I read the whole story. If I did not hear from you, I would think this is a book! How can one has so much to suffer! 
. And your loyalty and love to Paul is incredible ! I cannot find a right word to describe. I am speechless. Paul wad most wealthy man in the world because had you - most amazing wife in the world! I wish you can get some comport from your dear family. Since my hubby left me. I miss him daily. The firt thing and the last thing every day I think about is him. My tears nebet end. I believe you are the same. I only hope we can both find peace in missing them. Tight hug…xx
Hi sam
People have always says to us that god only gives you what you can cope with well he gave us just a bit to much but we coped right until the end when i was not ready for all of that or what ot was going to be like without him and i am still not coping without him all of what i wrote is true and you know what i would do it all over again because that would mean i would have paul here but i cannot have that can i miss him everyday and still love him everyday
Sarah