It lost my mum 3 years ago on the 5th of this month. My grief is still so bad that I feel like I’m drowning daily. I am carrying on with life; work, social life, friends, family etc but I’m not happy. I am existing. A mixture of missing my mum so much I feel like some days I can’t go on, guilt over numerous things and trauma from my last few weeks of my mums life and how much she suffered. I’ve been seeing a councillor for 2 years and that is due to end.
I have guilt over a few things but the thing that is crushing me, a couple of weeks before my mum died, she was in a care home rehab. She had delirium and couldn’t walk due to being in hospital and rehab for almost 4 months. As I walked into my mums room; a small room which she was couped up in alone which didn’t help the delirium. She was asleep when I walked in and facing the wall, so I woke her and I guess she had that first few seconds where you realise where you are and what’s happening. She wouldn’t turn around from the wall and wouldn’t speak, and that’s how the visit went. I know now she was so so Ill with the delirium and so many conditions that she couldn’t do the physio, get out of bed, go to the toilet. I got mad as the staff told me she wasn’t doing the physio, when in fact, she just couldn’t. I kept talking to her and she wouldn’t answer.
3 1/2 months in, I was working 7-4 at work and going straight to the hospital or rehab and I was not coping and was exhausted. I lost my temper with my but was verbally cruel to her on purpose. Telling her fine if this is how she wanted to be, lying in bed waiting to die, peeing herself etc. I was graphic and cruel with my words. So much so, I left the room and called my sister who told me to be patient and kind. I went back in, but I had snapped, I continued to lose my temper and be cruel. Each night, I’d wash my mums hand and face, clean her teeth, make sure she was comfortable before leaving. I asked her if she wanted me to do that, she shook her head so I said fine and stormed out. That was Thursday. Friday I went back with my aunt, her sister and I said hi mum, gosh I love you, to which she said you don’t love me! With her delirium and how I’d acted no wonder she said that, I stormed out and went home with my aunty, I couldn’t cope. I took the weekend off not seeing my mum as I was sinking, my sister covered the weekend.
I went back Monday and the same thing happened, she awoke facing the wall and wouldn’t speak, but this time I said what’s wrong mam, is it cos you are unhappy? She said yes, my life has stopped. I told her it had for now, but she was only here, in that horrible place cos she needed to get a bit better to walk and go to the loo alone and then she could go home. She perked up and was my normal positive mum and we carried on as normal. She didn’t get better or go home, she got rushed to hospital and passed a way a few weeks later.
Why couldn’t I have been kind and compassionate to my mum when she was at her worst, delirium, desperately ill and so so unhappy and depressed on the Thursday. I hate myself for it and it’s killing me how horrible and cruel I was. I left my mum after for the Friday night and the weekend when she needed me the most when she was ill, scared and unhappy. The guilt is unbearable. I don’t know how to live with it. I am drowning.
A few days before my mum died, she came round, the delirium went and I told her how much I loved her, she said she knew cos she loved me too. I never told her I was sorry. You know the thing where people get better a few says before they die, well, she did.
The guilt of that Thursday night is so bad that I just don’t know what to do.
Sorry for the long post
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where do I begin with the guilt monster.
Its never far from my side,
You look it in the eye and say no.
Your grief is deep because your love was strong, she was able to express this in her last days as were you. that extinguishes anything that went before . Her last thoughts of you were of love how wonderful is that. treasure all those memories, that is what you both had.
The guilt monster will wait in the dark and find you in the moments inbetween, but your love and her love un assaialable she will always be with you.He has no claim
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Thank you. So much. Wish I could go back and tell her how sorry I am.
The guilt is only in your mind. Your mum mattered to you and she knew. Stop finding reasons to punish yourself for not being a perfect daughter. Your love for her is enough.
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Thank you. That’s exactly what I needed to hear today. You are right. I need to remember that
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