So yes, it’s now eighteen long months since my darling man died. I’ve been sitting here thinking about how my life has changed in that time and thought l would put it here.
First off, as with all of us, l didn’t want this new life. I imagined walking off into the sunset with my husband’s hand in mine, but it wasn’t to be. However, the grief that overwhelmed me for the first twelve months has subsided into a deep, quiet sadness. It’s now manageable, which is something l never expected to happen in the early days. I’m not going to lie, occasionally l still fall into a well of despair at the loss of this wonderful man, but l scramble to my feet and continue to put one foot in front of the other, as he would have wanted.
I have made progress. I have started to pick up jobs around the house that we were planning to do in the run-up to my retirement. Garage cleared - he was a terrible hoarder of ‘things that might come in useful’ - and new kitchen being fitted next month. Then each room in the house is to be systematically sorted and put right, with the hope that everything is straight by the time my retirement comes around.
I am okay living on my own, though l still desperately miss his physical presence. I talk to him every day, a lot of it the same rubbish l would chatter on about while he was alive, things that l knew would make him laugh, had he been here. I hope he is listening, wherever he is. My son tells me that he sees flashes of the ‘old’ me now, though it’s never going to be the ‘old’ me that emerges from all this, we realise that. It’s an older, more reflective version of me, accepting that this is my life now and l am trying to make the best of it. The smile is there more often now, and l laugh more than l did a few months ago.
I guess what l’m trying to say is that things do get easier over time - l would never have believed that six months ago. I am never going to stop missing him, and l am always going to feel cheated for not having more time with him, however l count myself very lucky for having had that extraordinary man in my life, and he still sits safe in my heart, as always.
Bigs hugs to all on this journey - and well done if you read to the end 
