Hello. I am new on here so this is my first post and I don’t really know what to say. I lost my Dad in June this year to cancer and, although we received a terminal diagnosis, it happened really quickly. I’ve also recently had to come to terms with not being able to have children, which is a different type of grief but, along with losing my Dad, I’m finding it really hard at the moment.
Everything is making me cry and I don’t feel I really have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to be the constant negative friend, I can’t talk to my mum or sister and my husband is great but doesn’t do well with strong emotions so I feel alone and like I have to keep everything in, although I know that’s not healthy. That’s when I found you guys.
My grief for my Dad actually feels worse as time goes by and everyone seems to have forgotten I lost him only a few months ago and expects everything to be normal. I think Christmas being round the corner and the first without him is having in the back of my brain and I’m dreaming about him quite a bit the last couple of weeks, which is nice - even though the dreams are weird…as dreams trends to be. My sister is 7 years younger than me, and I’m only 38 and she is struggling too and I want to help her but can’t cope with anyone else’s emotions just now and that makes me feel worse.
I’m trying to keep busy but am just overwhelmed at the minute with everything and feel or of control with all these emotions.
Sorry for the long post and thank you for listening.
Hi. Nicki. I’m so sorry you feel as you do. It’s a painful business this grief. You wont be the 'negative friend as you put it, for the simple reason you are able to say it. But this site is all about unloading emotions among those who don’t judge or critcise or make useless reamarks. You proaly have had enough of those.
Some men don’t cope well with emotions, so it may be difficult for your husband to relate to your situation. It’s still early days for you. Just over 4 months is not long.
Finding you can’t have children is also an added pain. The two griefs have probably merged into one. You are so right. Bottling up emotions because you have no one to really talk to is not healthy. Emotions in grief must be allowed to be expressed. You can here because we all know and understand.
Never be afraid to talk here. We all sharing a common pain and really are the only ones who know what it’s like. This applies to anyone who has suffered a loss.
Attempting to control emotions is not a good idea. I’m not saying that you burst into tears anywhere or at any time. (Even if you do does it matter?).
Overwhelming!!! Yes, it can be at first. But you will find you are never completely overwhelmed. Everyone suffers grief in their own way. There is no time limit or any special way to do it. Be kind to yourself and try not to take on another’s suffering. Comfort others in pain, but don’t add to your own burden. The loss you have suffered is a life trauma. We don’t often get them, but when we do it hits us hard. If you can take it day by day and even hour by hour so much the better. There is some light in the far distance. Honest!!
Take care and hope to see you again. Blessings.
Thank you so much for replying and for your support, it means a lot. It’s reassuring to hear you say 4 months isn’t long as others expect everything to be normal again now.
Hour by hour and day by day sounds good. It’s nice to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’ll not ever be the same but I’m looking forward to feeling more in control at least.
Thank you so much again, it really is helpful to know someone is listening and understands.
Nicola you are not alone. I’ve just had an hour long snot fest crying over my mum. She loved seeing all the little ones dressed up for Halloween. Ready with her sweets at the door. Dad has stepped up and done it tonight alone. It’s not bloody fair is it. It’s been 9 weeks for me. Can’t imagine I’ll feel any better any time soon
I’ve had some strange dreams. Some horrific. Some lovely
You are also dealing with other bad news. But I hope regarding children that there maybe other options for you one day. Obviously depending on your circumstances.
Life is certainly not easy right now. I hope one day it gets a little easier
I had a completely underrated doorstep last night and all lights off so no children would knock on the door.
My mum always made it look lovely with lit up pumpkins, a skeleton hanging up and masses of sweets.
I feel so sad and now we have hit November it’s the dreaded run up to Christmas. I cant bear it.
Cheryl x
Last night was a really bad night for me. Imagining mum and what she would’ve been doing. Dad text to say he handed out sweets all night and cried in between. Mum loved kids. And they all loved her on her street. It’s only Halloween and I’m a mess.
I agree joules. Things are definitely getting harder for us. Its probably because time is passing. 20 weeks today since I saw mum, spoke to her, chatted nonsense or shared our day. My house and life are so quiet without her and of course you still have your dad to worry about. At least he us honest by telling you that he cries.my mum kept feelings like that from me which probably led to her downfall, pretending everything was ok when actually she had suffered a stroke.
I am so dreading the run up to xmas. Not necessarily the day itself because I will enjoy watching my daughter open her presents etc but the lead up to it.
I am dreading opening the garage to get the decorations out. My mum did all that.
Where has the last 20 weeks gone?
Your mum sounds like a lovely person. It sounds really difficult for all of you with such a recent passing and an event she really enjoyed, plus the C word on the horizon. I really empathise with you and your Dad and am pleased you have each other and that your Dad is being honest with you about his feelings and feels able to talk to you.
9 weeks isn’t long at all and it hurts like hell. These triggers will keep on coming for us and I certainly find each day a challenge but we will get through it and we will discover ways to find some comfort as the time goes by, I hope anyway.
Someone sent me this poem, which has helped me a little:
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away to the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you
For an interval
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.
It makes me tearful but I find some comfort in the ideas it portrays. Well always miss them and I feel an actual physical hole in my chest but that just shows how much we did and continue to love them.
I hope you feel ok today. You are not alone either. Hour by hour is all we can all do while things are so raw. Sending you big hugs xx