Emotional roller-coaster!!

I don’t really know if this is what I want say or how I want to say it, but here it is!
Personal experiences of grief have taught me that learning to cope with those we love and care for no longer being with us in the here and now, is a struggle every day. Some days we can cope, others we cannot.
With the thought in mind of those precious ones lost to me over the years, nothing could have ever prepared me for the indescribable and utterly deeply overwhelming feelings of the loss for that of my soulmate!
The weekend of 24th to 27th of September 2021 was supposed to be the start of a joyful week of celebrations involving family and friends.
I had an upcoming big birthday and the following day was to be a milestone wedding anniversary for us.
Instead it turned into something altogether different.
My hubby was taken into hospital on my 60th birthday he spent our 10th wedding anniversary in there too, but was allowed home on 1st October.
However, on the 4th of October I was forced to call the emergency services as his health had deteriorated very quickly, he was readmitted to hospital!
The world kept turning, friends and family asked how we were both doing and life went on, as it does! But for me time seemed to have stood still.
Due to Covid restrictions no visitors were allowed.
I phoned to talk to with him every day, but the bedside phone was not working properly! It kept cutting out, which left us both frustrated and upset to the point that his son bought a basic mobile phone so that we would have a stable means of communication.
I took little parcels in for him to cheer him and brighten his day. I could only deliver to them to the door of the ward and leave.
It was so hard, knowing that he was so close, yet so far away!
After three weeks and four days he was moved to a different ward which meant that at long last he could receive visitors. One per day for one hour.
I booked the first available time slot.
Nothing was going to stop me!
I couldn’t wait to see him and give him the biggest hug, to look into his sparkly piercing blue eyes, run my fingers through his thick mop of silver hair and tell him like always ‘Love You’. To talk a load of rubbish or just sit and hold hands.
We had briefly spoken the night before but there was a major change because of what was going on health-wise!
He could not speak, but was still so desperately trying! It was at that point I was taken to one side and given the news that I did not want to hear!
He struggled so, so hard and just about managed with great determination to say the word ‘home’ and to say his brother’s name.
His brother was in a different hospital for some time beforehand and arrangements were in the process of being implemented to return him back to his own home.
Very sadly neither of them made it home!
My world fell apart on the 1st November 2021 when my darling husband, my soulmate, passed away.
And, just two days later his brother passed away too.
Obviously there is a lot more to tell. It was a traumatic experience.
I lost a piece of me and still sometimes feel like I am stuck in limbo, in a void, or trapped on a never ending spin cycle or to coin the phrase on ‘an emotional roller-coaster’.
When things don’t go right or don’t work out as planned I can on occasion quickly get stressed, anxious or upset.
I am ever grateful to have a loving and supportive family network and am thankful to have such good friends and neighbours, who all look out for me.

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Hello @CakeyNana, thank you for sharing your experiences with us so openly - I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and soulmate. Many of our members have experienced this heartbreaking loss too and will be able to understand some of what you’re going through.

I’m really glad to hear that you’ve got a support network. I hope the community can be a support to you, too.

Keep reaching out and take care,
Seaneen

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@CakeyNana that must be so hard for you to take in right now. It all feels so overwhelming and I am sorry for your loss.
We are all here for you so do keep posting as we all understand what you must be going through. Words can’t really help right now but just take one day at a time and try not to think too far ahead. Blessings to you.

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