Emotional rollercoaster since my husband,s death.

My emotions are all over the place since my husbands death at the end of March this year. We had been together for 47 years and I was looking forward to many more years together. We were and I am still grieving for our youngest son who died last September aged just 29 years from cancer. Today I found myself crying uncontrollably in what I now call my “dark days”. I thought that I was doing quite well emotionally and with doing the vast amount of administration that comes with a bereavement. I have a supportive family , I try and remain brave for them as I don’t want to load them with my sadness as they too have lost a brother and father and their children an amazing grandfather. My emotions are sometimes overwhelming, withe frequent thoughts of suicide, although my pragmatism halts me in my tracks, I haven,t sufficiently organised my finances, written a will or organised my own funeral. My GP has prescribed antidepressants and has asked me to seek counselling, I tried Cruse but didn’t ‘connect’ with the counsellor on the end of the phone, so here I am. My friend in the USA recently lost her parents to COVID and her sister to cancer, she is finding solace in her religion but I am not religious. She said grief comes in waves when least expected, which I am finding to be true. I am also experiencing “Panic Attacks” again, five in the last week. My panic attacks started during my late son,s illness and come on without any warning or triggers. “ It gets easier” how I wish I had a pound for the many times I have heard that ! It probably does, but all I want in the world is my husband whom I loved so much. My heart is broken.

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Hi, just to let you know that your not on your own flower. On here we all have lost our way, we all are paying the price for the total love we had. In some ways we understand, yet we don’t because everyone has their own story to tell. But telling like minded, wounded people is a tiny step out of the darkness.
There does seem a plethora of hoops we have to jump through for help. Have you tried your local hospice? Sometimes to seek the help we have to take an unusual route. That’s what I had to do. My doctor told me 6 months wait… But I mentioned suicide, and believe me I thought about it a few times. Not the method just the ending. With covid in the mix as well everything has compounded 100 fold.
My Sammy was 47, and taken from me in March after an 8yr gruelling scrap with the big C… I was her carer all that time, never leaving her on her own for a second. And as I promised to her that I would always always catch her no matter what yet I lost her, the first time in my life I’ve ever broken a promise. And I can never forgive myself for that. How did you used to resolve your panic attacks before? Sammy had them quite bad and I had to change her train of thought to relieve the intensness. For people who say it gets easier, either they have never had to pay the price for the love we had or they are alot further down that path. My life with Sammy was all consuming and that’s what I wanted, but this new path is really scary and unknown. I don’t have hobbies or interests, I’m not even sure what I like to watch on TV to be honest…
But believe me when I say, everyone on here will pray for you. But hey get yourself out go enjoy yourself… How, how is that even possible… When a single life is unknown to us.
Hugs and prayers to you

Dear sjames

I am so sorry for the loss of your son and husband and the pain that accompanies the loss of those we loved.

I am further down this terrible journey . I lost my husband in September, he was involved in a terrible road accident and did not survive. I cry every day for him. We were together 42 years and married 38. I’m not sure that it gets easier, not when you have spent a life-time together with the person you loved.

The administrative burden that we have to jump through keeps us distracted only for so long. Our little bungalow is no longer the happy place it once was and the silence is deafening. My panic attacks have subsided but that is not to say that something might not come along and trigger a total meltdown and just begging to be with my husband.

Take care and keep posting, others on this site understand our suffering.

Hello @sjames

I’m so sorry to hear about your son and your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment and you are feeling overwhelmed.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

You mentioned counselling and Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

Take care,

Mick
Online Community team

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