It’s been 4 month since I lost my husband after he battled terminal cancer for 18mths. We’d been together since we were kids, 33yrs. He was a wonderful man, father , my best friend.
I thought I’d turned a corner after going to a very dark and sad place for a while. It seemed whilst I thought of him a million times a day , the memories were warm and loving. I’d even planned a few little trips to look forward to with my kids.
But this week, I’m so empty. No motivation to do anything when my kids are at school/college. I get dressed early afternoon because I have nothing to get dressed for.
I manage to walk my dog because that’s not fair on her, dear thing she is. I’m back just functioning again , no emotion for the most part, doing what I have too.
Yet today I have cried on and off all day, bad or sad memories popping up of his last few weeks , especially the last time he left the house to go into the hospice to die; feelings of guilt because I didn’t always appreciate the life we had ; anger because of the situation my kids and I are in; overwhelmed being alone and the only grown up…… the list goes on.
I. I’m not back to work yet because I’m terrified I won’t cope with juggling single parenting and working a stressful job- how the hell do I do school holidays for example.
I’m sick of being told I’m strong, brave and I’ll figure it out, all the usual bulls£&t !!
My family live away and are as insensitive as can be , back to be wrapped up in their worlds although honestly they have been no support through these last few years.
Thankfully my friends have been amazing.
Life is passing me by but I don’t know how to cope with this emotional roller coaster that is grief . I don’t know how to get through this exhausting grind day by day.
I’m so very, very tired .
Sorry bit of a long one, but needed to vent to others that understand , sadly.
Love to you all
My husband died 4 months ago too - he was only diagnosed with cancer 8 weeks or so before. We had no idea that he would deteriorate so quickly as he had no symptoms before diagnosis. Even when I had to take him in to a&e we thought he would be coming home that day.
I’ve been trying to ‘keep busy’ and getting some of the works we’d planned around the house completed. But it’s amazing how people tell us we’re being strong when they don’t see the tears and heartbreak we really endure.
I thought I’d had quite a ‘positive’ day today until I’ve failed miserably trying to change a light shade in the spare room. Have completely gone back to square one and just want to disappear under the duvet forever
I’m so sorry to hear our stories are so similar , but very grateful you reached out to me.
My husband had two weeks of what we thought was a stomach upset. He went to the GP , was admitted and that night we were told he had stage 4 metastatic colon cancer. He was given 18-24 months, he died 18 months later. He did remain fairly well until a few weeks before he died, which I’m eternally grateful for.
I too find it’s the little things that can set me off, usually when attempting to do something M would normally do with great ease.
I also find for every ‘good’ day I plummet the following days .
I’m quite private with my grief, other than to my kids who refer to ‘pockets of sadness’ if they’re upset or I’m blubbing over the dinner.
I do find walking the dog a tremendous help , I’m so grateful I have to do this.
Sending love to you.
This resource can be a tremendous support , especially on those days you want to stay under the duvet
Xx
My husband passed away in April this year and this last week I have felt back at square one. It would have been our 35th wedding anniversary this coming Monday. Then Christmas. His birthday was new years eve. I have been unable and unwilling to speak to friends and family the last few days because I just can’t stand to hear one more ‘it takes time’ or 'you are so strong '. I know they mean well. I have cried a river and my poor daughter, who lives with me, has taken the brunt of it all. I hate this new life and I don’t want it. I have never felt so alone and so unhappy. I am so grateful for this site because some stories particularly resonate but there is a connection with them all and, sadly, that is ‘understanding’…
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