My husband had a stroke 2 years ago and since then i have been his Carer, in March 25 he was diagnosed with vascular Dementia then in May bowel cancer mestatis (terminal) he is now on end of life. I am really struggling now and feel like i cant deal with it anymore. He can be nasty, mainly with me and it really hurts. I dont want to be his carer anymore, i want to be his wife. I have so many emotions at the moment.
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Debs61, So sorry to hear of the emotions and circumstances you are having to contend with. Any form of chronic long term illness places immense strain on a marriage, both carer and caree. It changes the dynamic of the relationship and the anxiety and stress can become overwhelming. I am sorry that your husband is not being respectful to you. Its hard to see the positives and easy to adopt, negative and antagonistic tendencies. Its tough, really tough having this sword over you and having to look after your spouse and yourself together with running a house. There is on line guidance for carers but for many the sustained effort just becomes too much. Do you have extended family you can ask to help in your husband’s care?
Yes i do and they are all doing there best but all have there own lives and responsibilites.
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It may or may not help to consider the possibility that the reason he is so nasty to you is the dementia rather than the man you married. Dementia can bring profound personality changes, and while it doesn’t change the hurt when he says or does horrible things it may be that it is the illness doing that not the man you married. Is there any respite care you can get for him even for a day or an afternoon a week to give you a break? The end of life care team and all your GP might be able to suggest somewhere. If you can get a break, it may help you navigate the times you are with him with more strength. The only other point that might be worth considering is whether some of the drugs he will be taking are giving him a personality change? End of life drugs can be very powerful with a lot of side-effects so it might be worth reading the packet leaflets of what he’s taking. Hugs.
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Aww Debs 61, dementia is a beast, It takes away the finest part of your partner. I watched a very close friend deteriorate with Vascular Dementia. I felt so wounded when she attacked me verbally as the disease progressed. Some days she would have a wee “island of sanity” where we were back on the everyday footing but it never lasted. I used to find wee notes she had written about the house reminding her about who I was. End of life care is so difficult and I’m wondering if you are getting any support at home, or Hospice support? This is a hard road you are on. Take any help that is offered to you. Sending love to you