Just reading this thread and realising that I didn’t offer enough or knowledge based support when friends, family, work colleagues or neighbours suffered a loss. Boy do I know the meaning of suffering now ((7 months since my husband died due to covid).
I read this article earlier tonight. https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-grief-support-regrets/?inf_contact_key=6a6d100c2dd62d72659ac12b1c5d437609c74070ac2bf3cfa7869e3cfd4ff832
If one more person tells me I am a strong woman I think I’ll whack them.
My strength went the day my beloved died.
2 Likes
Thanks for sharing the article, it was really interesting. I think the one about “once the funeral is over the worse will be over”, I actually believed that until it was over and reality started to hit.
1 Like
Dear Maigret
Thank you for sharing. How I can relate to so many. Both my errors and the things that people now say to me that make me scream inside and just want to tell them to shut up.
Sheila
2 Likes
I no exactly how you are feeling lost my partner in January cannot except what has happened your right days are manageable but night are long snd we have dark nights to come but for are other halves sake we must try to carry on I no they are watching over us I talk to his photo and kiss it goodnight and tell him
How much I love and miss him
1 Like
Dear Viv3
I am so sorry for your loss. Your post echoes my thoughts and sentiments completely. Losing our partners takes us into a totally different world and we feel cut off from reality. The heartache and loneliness are unbearable and we just long to be understood and for someone to enter into our pain. We soon realise that this is impossible unless they have had the same experience as us. It is over two years for me now but after two weeks I was asked “Are you feeling better now”! The comfort we need at this time can only come from other widows and from all the people on this site who are so caring and supportive. My emotions have changed over time and I have become angry at life and everything. Just let your anger out, it does help and releases the tension. It is just about getting through each day as best we can, not agonising over what might be or might not be and I do believe that the right things will appear in our life as and when we are able to receive them.
I wish you much peace and hope. xxx
1 Like
Hi lifealone - Thank you for taking the time to reading . That is what I plan to do, take one day at a time, no planning and see where it takes me.
Take care
Viv. I just signed up because of you. I lost my husband almost five years ago and everything you have said resonates with me completely. I have read people posting about grief on line but never got to the stage of joining any forum. I felt I could have written your post myself.My husband came home from work and like your husband half an hour later he had a massive heart attack. My daughter and I had just been chatting to him about the days events and in the blink of an eye our happy life turned into a living hell. The people who really understand are short on the ground I feel. I have spoken to a woman at a bus stop three years after my husband died and a minute into conversation she spoke about her husband dying and the connection we had was a real relief for both of us .We had found someone who understood . It shows how desperate we feel when we are suffering so much.We had coffee and a chat and swapped numbers but since covid I didn’t get replies to my text messages. I don’t have an address for her so don’t know what happened.
Some people mean well but inside you are just screaming "you haven’t got a clue about this’ And it would be better if they just said ‘lovely to see you’ and then presume from now on I am changed and I am deeply sad .If we put on a brave face with someone they go off and report to someone else you are fine because you have held things together for the short time you have been in their company. The energy required is enormous and I have had times that I have needed to push but now I have almost given up. I actually want to go away from everything and everyone because I feel angry at almost everything people do or say.People discuss how wonderful life is for them and I have become envious and not equal to them. I really miss my old life .There is no one on earth who can take the place of a person who is everything to you.A hundred good people can’t fill the black hole where all the good things in life have gone. I found myself watching comedy a lot to try and lift my mood. I watched “TRULY, MADLY,DEEPLY” .A film about grief and how it can make you feel. I felt I understood my feelings more after watching that.I also have recently heard Joni Mitchels song ‘Both Sides’ and it also made me look at how I feel.
You are at a very very raw place at the moment. I found I kept thinking’ when is this heavy heart ever going to lift? It will over time but be patient with yourself. I have exploded with family members a couple of times because I could not contain my anger. They should have known how fragile I was but people are wrapped up in themselves too much especially these days. They are all arrogant enough to think they know what you should be doing.I miss the closeness I had with my husband. That cannot be replaced.I thought I had good friends but realise they are not at all. A few are but not really close.Family members were discussing their holiday plans with their partners one day and didn’t consider my feelings.
I really feel for you but I think speaking out now is a big step. I read what someone else said about compassion fatigue. That is so accurate. I have not been able to stop crying today. I was hurt by someones actions towards me yesterday . People do act as if nothing has happened and that is maybe the hardest thing to deal with. Do take great care and don’t feel bad about letting go of your emotions.
4 Likes
Hi Broken8 Thank you for responding, your post touched me… it is so true about there being few people to really talk to. That goes for family too. I was thinking only the other day that even my own Mum doesn’t understand this fully, she still has my Dad. The only family member who would get this is my Grandma who I was close to, but she died a long time ago. One of the Mums from when my kids were at school reached out, as her hubby died a few years ago, we used to go for a walk and it was so easy talking to her because you could talk about anything, so I totally get you meeting the lady at the bus stop. I hope she is okay. I have had family members getting really excited to tell me about where they are going to book for holidays or how cheap the flights are, and I know this is bad, but I was happy they couldn’t go because of Covid. I hope you are feeling better and not as upset. Take care x
Hi Viv, my heart aches for you. I went through this 4 years ago. 31 August 2017. I’ve had ups and downs. I’ve moved house, taken on hobbies, friend have backed off, gone on holiday, made contact with various groups, the whole list! Still it remains, the loneliness of losing the one person who counted you as his number one. I have friends who are going through the same thing. I see it in their eyes each time we meet. We know and understand but it doesn’t ever go away. It’s another chapter in our life story. We’ve all learned to live with it to a certain extent. Eventually I have come to examine each day at a time. I can look back and see I’m having better days. It’s not easy. It’s doable. Please keep posting here and reading the posts. It will help.
2 Likes
I love your honesty. It made me smile.I too am guilty of those feelings. We are only human. I really feel some people though push you to it. They are having a great life and spouting off about it. I wish there was some way to explain our situation but I’ve tried with family but they don’t get it. It’s so frustrating.Yes ,tell us things but don’t gloat. It’s so hurtfull .
I know I cope better now but yesterday took me to a sad place.
I have just made myself go to local shops for a few things and to make myself walk.I do feel better for it.
My sister helped with garden a couple of weeks ago which I was extremely grateful for until when we had finished she said" If you do it every week it’s a lot easier." This leads me to make the point I am one person doing everything now! She then said she never had to do her own garden as her son and husband do that! I instantly stopped being grateful. I was so furious inside. I do not want any help that comes with that sort of comment! I do not ask for help. I do some DIY when I can. Fix the things I can. A bit Painting and decorating. I love making art. I have a mind full of things to do but chores get in the way. I am currently clearing things out. A big task.
Thank you for making me smile today. I am so gratefull.
1 Like
Hi I so get the chores bit, that can be so overwhelming. People don’t get that everything is on one set of shoulders, it takes at least twice as long as the tasks were shared. It’s a constant reminder you are alone. Speak soon and take care x
2 Likes
Hi Viv what you are experiencing is normal and people who are not bereaved dont understand what life or existence is like for bereaved people . They just carry on as normal and may expect you to have coped with your loss and possi5put it away in cupboard and not let it affect you . Grief is a monster and affects us a in many diferent ways and can creep upon you without warning ?
Grief does not have a specified time length or way . That you have to have stopped grieving by . It can actually last until.you join loved ones in heaven .
If people seem to treat you badly , or ask awkward questions , just ask them if theyre bereaved and when they say NO remind them that you are. I’ve been widowed over 20 years and am still grieving . For my wife , son , grandaugther and siblings and other family members
But over time with talking support therapy, I have moved forwards. As I hope that you can in your own precious time. I’m sending you a virtual hug . Keith 
Thank you Keith what you said means a lot.
I am just being caring and compassionate and if I can help , I’m happy
I wish you well . Regards Keith x
Hi Viv3
I’m so sorry you lost your husband suddenly, and completely understand how you are feeling. I lost my partner of 30 years, suddenly last November and I have never felt so lonely and isolated in all my life!! I feel sad every day and long for company. I’m almost 76 and I realised this morning, this is the first time I’ve been completely alone, ever!
My partner, Steve, tried to persuade me to come to Spain, for eight years and I finally decided to give it a go, although I hated the thought of leaving my daughter and friends and everything familiar. Our first year, 2018, I was very homesick but made the effort to try and enjoy my new surroundings, which, to be honest, are beautiful… surrounded by lovely beaches and countryside. Andalusia is the agricultural area of Spain, so wide open spaces surrounding the village we live in. The town of Nerja is just 3 km away, if we needed more activity, shops bars restaurants etc. So, the first year, I struggled but by 2019, I felt more settled and we had a wonderful year, exploring the area, although I still missed my close friends…daughter Claire came over as often as possible. Then, at the beginning of 2020, just as we were hit with the horrid pandemic, Steve started having different health issues and ended up in hospital for five weeks…he was unwell all last year then in November, he came to pick me up from the supermarket, got out of the car, lifted the boot and next thing, he was falling back towards the pavement and crack! I heard his head hit the pavement…it was sickening. He was unconscious and not breathing. Then everything seemed to happen around me…a bystander was giving him chest compressions… obviously he wasn’t doing the mouth breathing with Covid around, so I started to and Steve started breathing. To cut a long story short, he was put onto life support in hospital. There were a lot of things going on…heart failure, kidney failure, a bad bleed in his brain etc and sadly there was nothing they could do. They kindly agreed to keep him on life support until my daughter could get over. Thankfully, she made it just before flights stopped, so she could be with me. She was able to stay a week, to help sort the cremation and she was my rock. She took loads of paperwork to the UK and rang the appropriate people etc.
So, fast forward to today. I’m on my own in our apartment, in a beautiful area, with sunshine every day, but I just feel lost and lonely and very, very confused. How I’ve coped for nine months, I have no idea!
Do I stay, or do I go back to the UK, to be nearer my daughter and friends, or do I try and make it work here…
I’m asthmatic and the climate here suits my chest perfectly. No horrid chest infections, which I get every winter in the UK. My friends over there have asked if I’m going back and I wasn’t ready to make such a major decision. I try to weigh up the pros and cons. One major factor is finance…really struggling here, but I’d get help with housing support etc in the UK. It’s so difficult…I’m really torn.
Claire came over last week and it was wondering having her with me. I made a few friends here but it isn’t like those in the UK who are very close long term friends, plus the ones here have such busy lives themselves. I don’t think I’m quite ready yet to make that final decision. If I could combine the two, it would be perfect! Sadly, I can’t.
I hope as time goes by, we both start to feel better, but there’s no timescale for grief… it’s something that can’t be rushed and no matter how long it is, there will always be that void.
Hi I am sorry for your loss. That’s a difficult decision for you to make, where you live sounds idyllic. You have to do what’s right for you. It’s difficult when they go so quickly. The day my hubby died goes over in my mind all the time. I wonder if I could have done more, why didn’t I go in the other room where he was earlier, did I do the chest compressions properly before the ambulance arrived. I just don’t know and I feel so guilty. I wish we could have said our goodbyes. I have thought about going to the spiritualist church, but I am just not sure. I was speaking to my neighbour this afternoon, he lost his wife 10 years ago and was giving me some tips on how he got through the raw bit as he put it. I think it will just never go away it’s just learning to live with it, and I suppose that will take a long time. x
1 Like
Hi,
Every emotion you are going through is acceptable when one is grieving.
It’s one big emotional roller coaster and you can’t get off.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s still early days.
My partner passed in January and I’m still convinced he’s going to be sat on the sofa when I come home.
I know to move forward I have to make changes to my life and can’t motivate myself to do so.
2 Likes
Hi I know that feeling, we just do one day at a time x
1 Like
No need to make any changes or take any decisions. You can’t. You need to just be for a while. Baby steps. Take each hour, each day at a time. Your main focus is on yourself. Be kind to yourself. You have a long tough way to go. Keep posting and reading here, it truly will he lp. All our thoughts are with you.
1 Like
Hi Paula that’s such a lovely name what you write is exactly true, because grief hands us a lot of hurt and makes our heads feel like we are in a fog or not very nice place , where nothing seems to make sense?
When I was first widowed I beat myself up emotionally and didnt want to be alive
I also asked myself lots of unanswerable questions
As you say you may have to make changes in your life, but its possible that things could change, because your heart and mind decides, that’s it wants to move on and find new things etc
With grief nothing can be taken as read, as it is it’s own master x
1 Like