Emptiness and 💔

Hi, this is my second time writing here, so I apologise in advance if I seem ranting.
I lost my wife, soulmate, best friend on 1st November last year. She was diagnosed 3weeks beforehand of contracting that ba***rd Covid-19. The initial 10-14 days were good, symptoms seemed to be getting less, althought she did get a chest infection withing the 10 days. GP was fantastic started her on steroids and antibiotics. Despite the meds she was very breathless.
Morning of 1st November GP phoned, and heard Carol was still breathless. GP, told her to hang up, but would phone back. Within 5 mins she called Carol back, advising that she had phoned A&E and that she had to go in for chest x-ray. I was told by the nursing staff that she would probably be in that dept 4-6hrs then be admitted to HDU. So was given phone numbers to call after 2hrs, as Initial bloods, x-ray etc would be done, so was advised to go home. I asked if I could see Carol just for a minute, NO was the answer. Admittedly I heard Carol crying and making noisy attempts while breathing. The wosrt thing I have ever done, was leave.
7 mins later, while just coming off M8, phone rang, with the hospitals number flashing. I answered 'hi, are you mr Andrew [edited by moderator]? Yes.
Are you Husband of Mrs Carol [edited by moderator], and I just knew what was coming… yes I was right. 15mins after I last saw that painful, terrified, crying, gasping for a breath, look on her face,I am convinced she mouthed, ‘hurry up’. The A&E team rushed her inside. The last look on my beautiful, always smiling and laughing wife’s face, was that petrified look. A look that still haunts me, maybe 1000 times a day. I was admitted to hospital, after Carol’s funeral, on a voluntary basis, but was told, if you attempt to leave the ward I’d be sectioned. 7 weeks of therapy, fantastic help and support from nursing staff, and I was discharged. I felt good being able to get discharged. A bit nervous in my brothers car, we arrived at my home. Thump, the thought of going into house was like a kick between the legs. So, from 5th Jan I am in house. It’s horrendous, Carol is everywhere. This sounds disgusting, but, I haven’t changed the quilt, pillowcases, or bottom sheet in our bed, because I smell her, i smell her perfume on the pillows, I cuddle Carol’s pillows in the hope I get some sleep. I dont, probably get 1-3 hrs a day on couch thats if I drag myself out of bed. Like most people here, sleeping is a no no. Eating is a no no. Showering is a no no. shaving no no.have become a recluse as I cry so so much.I am very lucky, in that I see psychotherapist weekly for traumatic PTSD, and CPN weekly. In fact twice weekly as I’m considered a possible suicide risk. They are so right tho. Every single day, I consider it. I am lost, hurt, crave to see Carol, hear her voice, and most importantly, a cuddle, one last cuddle, which I know I’d hate, because if it were time for her to go back, I wouldn’t let her go !!
The pain that we all suffer is mind-blowing, non grieving people are so so lucky, and I hope they live there lives to the fullest. I miss Carol so much, what id do if I could turn back the clock. Sorry, last rant. Covid-19, not only wrecks your heart body and soul. Watching the breathlessness is such painful experience. But, when going to see / identify Carol in hospital, I was told this … yes we see this quite a lot in here. You know post covid patients, who get over the initial 10-14 days, then appear hear and die from a PE (pulmonary embolism). Admittedly angry as I was, I asked, why then, if positive PCR test then why doesn’t the health ministers, government’s GP’s, or spokesperson from the covid testing labs say, WHEN POSITIVE PCR TEST, CONTACT YOUR GP, AND ASK IF MEDICALLY IT IS OK FOR YOU TO TAKE ASPIRIN, ONLY FOR THE ISOLATION PERIOD? Aspirin helps thin the blood, thus maybe helps someone getting a PE.
Yes i am still in the grieving process but the angry period. Worldwide people’s families are dying from PE’s post positive pcr tests. The World Health Organisation (WHO) know all about this deadly progression of covid, but because no one has provided them with a research paper, they sit on there hands, say nothing, while thousands upon thousands of human beings are dying from the post covid PE, at a cost of £1 per month, that it would cost. I AM NOT saying that our NHS pays for this, but rather advise patients that taking an aspirin daily (only if GP says it would be ok) ‘maybe’ could save a life.
Going back to the hospital, after ranting about the above, the same doctor said, 'you know mr [edited by moderator], that aspirin idea, yes that maybe a saviour post covid for a lot people what 5-10yrs.
You can imagine how I felt.
Sorry for long lengthy post , but yes I know how virtually everyone on this group feels, and cant wait for the day I can ‘get on with it’. Right now though, for I want to be with Carol so much [edited by moderator].


Hi. I am deeply sorry the tragic loss of your lovely wife. I know exactly how you feel. I felt exactly the same at the beginning A handful of tablets and I would be with my husband. I think we all have thought this at some point in this devastatingly sad time. It is so difficult I to see into the next minute let along tomorrow. I was filled with fear anxiety and total disbelief. I am still after ten months struggling to accept my lovely husband has gone. I talk to him every day and tell him how much I love him. I have not been able to give away any of his clothing. I am just not read. Like you I did not change the bed sheets for six months. I just wanted his smell and couldn’t bear to do it. I have kept the last clothes he wore unwashed in a drawer and smell them all the time. I feel so lost and lonely. My heart has been tipped out and I don’t know how to cope with all the feelings. I am a little better than at the beginning but it is a hard road that we have to travel and a life I just take each day as it comes and let the tears flow. We did not choose this but we have to live it. I hope in some small way I will live for me and my husband. Even now I can go days without washing my hair. I just drag a Bob cap on and aimlessly walk around with our dog. At present I cannot see a future. Grief will take as long as it takes but I will love my husband and wear his ring until I join him. I am sorry I cannot be more positive but my heart is broken x


I am so sorry you have lost your darling wife @CAROLANDY3
I hope this forum can help you, we all understand.
My husband was killed by covid Jan 2021. He said if he got it he would be a goner. He was so right.


I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is unbearable, your whole world has been blown apart. There’s nothing I can say to ease your journey with the horrendous feelings of loss that you have. Please keep posting on here, we are all trying to make sense of the loss of our loved ones. You are not alone :heart:


I feel the same as all of you, I didn’t change my bedding for 8 weeks and I now sleep on Petes side of the bed hugging his pillow.
I have also keep the unwashed clothes her was wearing that morning, I smell them and cry into them all the time, I wear his t-shirts to bed and wear his dressing gown, I also touch the things he touched like his razor, wallet, phone.
We are all in the same boat on this forum its such a lonely journey.


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I can’t bring myself to wash my husband’s clothes that remain in the wash basket, I also wear his T-shirt for bed. I wrap his dressing gown round each of our little grandsons when they stay overnight just as he had wrapped his arms around the eldest grandson when he shared the bed with him (the other was born after my husband died).

Not sure that this journey is survivable. Counting down to our 40th wedding anniversary and it is just so unbearable that my husband has gone forever.


I wear my husbands dressing gown every morning and evening and I have a small scarf of his in the pocket that smells of him, I try to ration the amount of times that I smell it though as I can’t bare to think of it fading. I wear his t shirts to sleep in too, and I have the last t shirt he wore in bed with me, when I sleep I drape to over my waist like he used to put his arm around me when we went to sleep. His coat and work fleece are unwashed and hang on the peg where he put them when he came in from work that last day. His toothbrush is still in the bathroom cabinet with his razor and his keys on the mantle with the loose change from his pocket. It is all as it should be but he is not here to put that change in his pocket and pick his keys up to go to work.
Sheila I think it is lovely that you wrap your grandsons in his dressing gown :heart:


Hi My heart goes out to you . that you had to go through that . :cry: Fecking Covid . Lost hubby last year from a heart attack , just over a year after having open heart surgery , all the fabulous work and care at Papworth. He was told off by Paramedics when he had an episode Dec20 for not calling them , coz he didn’t want to bother them . Cut a long story short he was clearly showing signs of a heart attack but it took 3 calls and over 2hrs before thy could get to him ( Not the crews fault at all , they were amazing when they got here , I had everyone in the end including air ambulance) . but it was too late he went on me and I had to try and Resuscitate him , just can’t get the picture out of my head , no amount of medicine or counselling will ever get rid of that .:cry: You keep hold of that bedding and bloody get it framed if you want :two_hearts: I was thinking of getting a memory cushion made of a favourite jumper he used to wear .

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Dear Lilyboost

Thank you. Its all I have left to keep him close to them. Heartbreaking.

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I too experienced my husband having a cardiac arrest in front of me and I agree I matter how much talking and therapy I have it will always be in my head. All my husbands possession are still in the house. His bunch of keys on the shelf. The hat and scarf he used to wear. His coat. His mess tins that he used to cook in from his army days. I have the last clothes he wore a t shirt and boxers. I smell his t shirt and hug it as if my life depended on it. I cannot let go of these items They make me feel he is still with me. The only thing that gives me some comfort is that he donated his corneas. They helped two people to see better. I feel there is still a little part of him in the world. I would love to look in their eyes knowing they were once part of my husband. I know it sounds silly but that’s how I feel x


Hi Nel
So sorry you had to experience that aswel. But some comfort for you knowing that part of him is helping someone :two_hearts:My husband was Ex raf done 30 years . I hope you don’t me asking …I’d imagine your hubby was away from home whilst serving. Are you finding that because you were used to him being away so much… that it’s helped or become a hinderance now ?:cry::two_hearts:

He was only in the army for four years and then he joined the weekenders. He then did medicals and worked with the cadets. I only met him once he left the army but it was always a big part of his life. We both had medical backgrounds and worked with the cadets. When I knew H he was home every night. But wether home every night or away I think we miss them just as deeply. I just feel so lost and lonely and miss him desperately. Xx

It is our daughter 18th tomorrow and I’m finding it harder to cope than my first birthday last year after my husband died. I made her cake today without my husband there to tease me and say ‘why don’t you just buy one’ like he did every year. I blew up the balloons to hang, that was always his job sitting cross legged on the floor. Her card and all her gifts have only my name on them and I can’t stop crying. I feel so very alone and so sad for her and our son that they will have no more birthdays with their Dad, it’s all too difficult.


Hi plopps it’s interesting that you ask about our husbands working away because I have thought about it too, it has helped me in the way I am used to be able to coping on my own but also sometimes I think he is away working and that he hasn’t really passed and then reality kicks in, maybe it eases the pain thinking he’s away rather that he’s died,
we all work through this in our own way I suppose take care xx