we were married 48 yrs and for 46 of those we never slept together, cause of his snoring, so being in a double bed on my own is great, which has always been downstairs anyway, i like my tv on. my hubbys room was taken over by my son a week later, I had cleared it out the day after he died, no good keeping it as it was.
This is exactly itā¦ 
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My partner passed away 2yrs ago after battling cervical cancer for 3yrs.
She passed away at home in our bed ,and thats where she wanted to be.
Since my partner was diagnosed i slept on the sofa and to this day ,thats where i am now.
Ive tried to spend a night in the bedroom but i cant manage to stay anymore than 1hr.
I dont know what it is or why i feel that way.
Ive been told to make the room a comfort room by getting away with the bed and replace it with a sofa and fill the walls with memorable photos.
I cant carry on like this as ive had trouble with back and neck .Also if i have guests we have to chat in kitch come diner as sitting room is more like a lads bedroom.
I am sorryā¦ I forced myself to go to bed the second night but wonāt look at his side of the bed and I donāt want to change the bedding and I really should but canātā¦ itās just the hardest thing to deal with, grief.
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i know this feeling so well. i stay up as long as i can, ive put his shirt on a pillow and laid it in bed where he slept so it feels like there is someone there. I still cant sleep i want so much to feel his presence, to hear his voice, the pain is unbearable and the tears rarely stop. im so lonely, its all black and empty im just a shell that goes through the motions. its early days, he only died in Feb, but he was my soulmate.
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@ronnie4 im sorry for your loss. I agree. To feel him, touch him and hear his voice, the wanting is indescribable. Iāve been trawling videos on my phone and found one today with a little bit of him talking. I do hope i can find some more. My husband also died in February and the sense of loss is overwhelming, I find now Iām desperate to dream of him, i have a vouple of times some good, 1 bad, but then I wake up and the heartbreak starts all over again.
Please know that all of us on this forum know what youāre going through and are here to listen. Please reach out whenever you need, someone will always respond
Take care
Big hugs
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Thank you, i hsd a few dreams of him some good, but thats quickky replaced by the nightmare of seeing him die. He didnt pass peacefully, he fought for every last breath, and he didnāt want to go. That image appears everytime theres a good one. i ring the house phone, as the answer machine is his voice and i just need to hear him.
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It isnāt easy going into the house alone. I remember the first time I went out for walk, a couple of weeks after he died. It was different.
I havenāt been out much so it is still new to me.
However, for me, it has been like other firsts in that I donāt cry as much when I return.
Sadly, it is another thing we have to experience.
Will you be returning alone or will your sister be with you?
I understand and send you hugs for when you return.
Remember to keep in touch with all of us here who definitely know how you are feeling x
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Hi @RoseGarden
Iām home now. No I came home alone. Saturday was hard but no different to before. I think Iām getting used to being alone but I hate every second of it, and cry at the drop of a hat. My daughter thought it would be a good idea for me to look after my Grandaughters dog for a week, so at least Iāve got a bit of company.
I do go out everyday if I can, even if its only to the local shops. But its still the same when I come back. Lonely and quiet. I seem to have got past the stage of thinking heās going to come in later, although I still pray for a miracle, but I still cant believe heās gone forever, so maybe Iām not past that stage
Thankyou for caring
Take care
Liz
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Hi I think itās one of the worst going to bed and thereās that empty space next to you and you reach out your hand and rest it on his pillow and cry your heart out.I donāt sleep itās so hard I just need one of his bear hugs I miss him so much it hurts.lot of love to you all 
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Hi @ronnie4 Iām so sorry for your loss and the way it happened. My husband was frightened and didnt want to go, he had teminal agitation, but because he was so sedated it was very peaceful at the end.
Reaching out in the night seems to be something most of us do and its heartbreaking when heās not there. The pain can be indescribable, but you all know about pain.
What an awful club we belong to.
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i know how you feel, i have a pillow with his shirt on and i lay it where he always slept, the beds doesnt feel so big and empty. his smell is still there , i still cry all the time, and dont sleep much, i talk to him all the time, tell him i love him and wait to hear his i love you too. i hear his answer in my head, but i long for his hugs and to hear his voice. the pain is physical , never felt anything like it.
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Bless you all I am sorry for your losses As time passes it usually changes are we are able to be able to live alongside our loss We have to make positive choices and help our selves Itās a struggle but this is part of everyday life and we need to accept the pain as we cannot avoid it
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My husband died suddenly lying next to me in February too. Aged 62. I feel like Iām just going through the motions and the future looks bleak.
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Mine was 52 in Belgium on a veterans tour I feel like Iāve been robbed of our future, plans and dreams. He will never see any of our 3 kids get married, their first home and heāll never see a grandchild. And worst of all our kids wonāt have him by their sides x
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Hi. My husband passed away peacefully thank god, but only because of the sedation. He too died on February, so we are all fairly new to this. I thought I was starting to improve, but then I was at my sisters where I could talk as much as I wanted and cry too if I needed. Which I
did.
Now Iām back home and this week has shown me Iām really not improving at all. Iāve been in bits so often, everything starts me off. I know we will all get through this, not the missing but the dreadful heartbreak will ease. Its just so hard getting there.
Its hard to see an end to it all
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So very sorry.
Sending big hugs x
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Itās really hard, itās like one step forward then 10 steps back x
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it is an awful club, ive managed to join a craft club and had lunch out with a friend, but it feels wrong somehow and the watery eyes start. im trying because hed want me too, but where do you go alone? its exchanging one empty place for another, but one where you cant cry. a good nights sleep still eludes me, so im constantly exhausted. Also suffering with pain from the extra walking and a nueropathy flare, yet there is no rest and no one to help. is this all there is now?
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Hi Kajoa I am so sorry for your loss itās a terrible time for you.
I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will be ok but it will take time.I feel I can get through the days but the nights are long and itās harder when you canāt sleep. But with the help of people around you family and hopefully really good friends who will be there to comfort. You.I hope you can find some sort of peace . Sending love to you Romano xx
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