It’s two weeks tomorrow since I lost my husband. He died at home which we both wanted after being ravaged by an incredibly aggressive cancer.
I was initially relieved he had passed as the last few weeks were awful to witness and he would have hated to be like that, fortunately I think he was too far out of it with pain relief to actually know. Right up to the last day we would kiss and he would manage to say Love you.
I tried so hard to make his last days full of love even if he was not fully aware,
I just don’t know where I am now, I’m in some sort of void. I fill up with tears at times but they don’t want to come out. I did cry when he passed from us, all the family were there. I went to see him last week in the funeral home and did cry as the person there was not my husband. The spark had gone, I’m glad I went as I was able to say things to him I didn’t get the chance to say when he passed as his son was so distraught he was our main concern. (We both have adult sons from previous marriages) we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary before Christmas. I am rambling here because I just feel empty, I have read other posts on people’s grief and I’m just lost in a space. I don’t believe he has gone.
I totally understand my partner was 55 we went on holiday last august had an amazing time when we came home he wasn’t himself (to cut a long story short) he was diagnosed with brain cancer inoperable no treatment just palative care he passed 2nd December I never left his side for the 4 months I am heartbroken there’s just no words I’m not the same person anymore it was totally traumatic. I have gone back to work which makes me get out of bed and get dressed but my life will never be the same again 
Youre such early days … i found my real tears came after the funeral. Thats when it really hits you ! What youre feeling now is totally normal you know you will still be in shock x
Sorry for your loss,i lost my husband this January 2024 ,had terminal pancreatic cancer and lung cancer .he was in Hospital for 2 weeks with an infection ,but he wanted to die at home with me and his 2 sons.
I I’m sad to read this. I was the same from when he was diagnosed in January this year, I looked after him as well as I was able and showed him how much I loved him. I hope he knew.
So sorry. My husband had lung cancer too and it literally spread everywhere. He died at home with palliative care fro McMillan nurses to manage his pain. It just seems wrong doesn’t it. He was a good man, a family man. I hope you are coping. It’s a road I never thought I would be travelling yet. He was 64 and looking forward to retirement.
Thank you. Yes it must be shock even though we knew it was going to happen.
Thank you for your message
i am trying to cope the only way i know best .Thank you for your reply.
Yeh even though you know its still a shock. I only realise now when i look back at it … its the big change to our lives that gets to you really. Xx
@Estweyn I’m sorry to read about your loss….very early days for you. I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly to undiagnosed cancer. He was 53 years old…was such a shock. No time to have that conversation or to say I love you. So very hard as we had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Italy. Take one hour at a time, the tears will come… I expect that you are in shock and numb.
Take care and big hugs xx
Ywh i knew it was gonna happwn although i only had 6 weeks to prepare for it . Sun out here and im missing him more than ever ;( x
Thank you so much for caring to reply
@Estweyn
So sorry for your loss & the way you are feeling. I do feel your pain. I lost my beloved Wife of 31 years Anna at the beginning of November 2023 following a long & arduous 16 month battle with metastatic Cancer. She put up such an amazingly brave battle but in the end it overwhelmed her. She spent 5 weeks in hospital & then decided she wanted to come home to be cared for by me. I never left her for a minute for her final few weeks. She too was receiving quite heavy pain relief but knew i was there right to the end, i would sleep on the sofa next to her hospital bed, pull the bed close to me & hold her hand all through the night, she too would manage to tell me she Loved me right up to her final hours. I have the same days as you, sometimes i just sit & cry for hours on end, other times i can try to focus on household tasks to keep myself occupied. I also sometimes feel trapped in a void, as if i don’t know where i am supposed to be. The loneliness is very difficult to get used to, having spent near on every day of our 31 years together seeing each other. In the beginning when she first passed away I felt an immense sense of anger towards Anna’s family ( Parents & Brothers ) as they all but abandoned her when they found out that she was ill. I was offered counselling by our local hospice which I decided to engage in & have found it has helped a bit with my anger issues. We have a grown up Son & Daughter & 2 Grandchildren who i try to see as often as i can, mostly weekends but the rest of the time I’m here on my own.
Please try to get some grief counselling if it becomes available to you, your grief journey is still very early stage & the feeling of disbelief is something common to most people, i felt the same.
I have my Anna’s ashes here at home with me & speak to her regularly every day & every evening, i take them upstairs & keep them next to me at night, it gives me a sense of comfort, i keep a candle lit next to her urn as she absolutely loved scented candles.
You will find your own little ways to find comfort although it may not seem so at the moment.
Please take care & be kind to yourself.
Love & hugs xx 
Derek
Thank you for your caring message. I hope things get easier for you too. We always had a little joke around 9 pm saying we were putting our nighties on, and then have an hour watching tv before bed. I’ve kept to that routine and our little joke and it does help me feel he is still here. Thank care Avril
Thank you for your replyx
Thank you for your reply ,i still cant believe he has gone sometimes
Before my husband died i told him i loved him when i hoped he could hear me.I think i started grieving when i knew his cancer was terminal.
Yeh you do at that point i agree … the last words i said to my husband were i love you and i know he heard me because he tried to say it back and then he was gone 
and that memory still makes me cry … my beautiful husband … my beautiful, beautiful man … xx
Nice words derek and very true ! I also got so angry - with my own family really after the funeral and their total lack of empathy for my loss !! I still am pretty angry with them really and they still don’t really understand what its like for us ! Or they dont want to more like ! But these people on here understand it …My husband was a bradford city fan. He.was born there and had a season ticket 
x