Empty

My husband died 6 days ago. I don’t know what to do. Although I have suffered grief before in my life which was horrendous, I have never felt this way, or anything like it. Safe to say it is unbearable. The emptiness and loneliness is just awful and I cannot imagine my life without him.

Dear Collette, I am so very sorry for your loss. You are at the beginning of this journey of grief and inexplicable pain. Stay on this forum, keep reading, keep posting. This site has helped me enormously and to be where I am today. It is now more than 19 months since my husband passed and I accept that I will be grieving forever but that’s ok. I write to my husband regularly in a journal and this gives me great comfort - I tell him everyday stuff plus how I’m feeling, how much I love him and miss him. This book is very special to me, nobody else sees it, it’s between me and him. It really works for me.
It’s very early days yet Collette, for you. Take one step at a time. This is a rollercoaster journey and some days will be worse than others or perhaps I should say, more positively, that some days will be better than others. At the moment you will be fumbling around in a complete fog , as many describe it. Know that you can do this and slowly you will emerge from the fog into the mist. I feel that I am now walking in the mist and I think that probably, to some extent, I will be forever. However, I now have times when a little bit of sunshine bursts through and my husband is with me every step of the way. Most importantly, I must say that I feel closer than ever to my husband and my love for him continues to grow, our relationship continues in death just as it did in life. My husband died but he’s not dead, oh no, he’s far from dead.
Take care Collette. Sending love and a big hug xx

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Thank you, Kate so much for your words. Yes, already I know that I will have this empty and incomplete feeling for the rest of my life and I guess that just shows me how precious he and our relationship was to me. I cannot imagine life without him but, I love your idea of a journal. I too believe he will stay close by and that my love for him will continue to grow in the future and then one day I will be with him again.

I really appreciate your time responding to my post. Thank you. I too am very sorry that you feel this pain yourself as you try to deal with your own loss. Take care x

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Dear Collette, such early days and already I sense some positive thinking from you. I admire that. Please do start your journal and let me know how you get on. I don’t write in mine every single day although at first I did. Sometimes I read them back from the earlier days and it’s then I can see how far I’ve come. Xx

Hi Kate are there any books you would recommend for sceptics who are experiencing things and want to know more x

Hi Stevie.
I’ve nearly finished “Waking Up” by Sam Harris. It’s a book about spirituality without the religion, although he does reference Buddhism frequently. It’s quite thought provoking. He is an atheist.

Hi might give it a try I do believe in God and I just wonder whether the two beliefs conflict with each other. Clinging on to hope I suppose. Be easier if she could tell me staight

Sorry. I’ve no idea. I’ve not spoken to any religious people about it but I can’t see it being particularly challenging or provocative. A fellow humanist recommended it to me. As I said the author is an atheist but I don’t think many atheists push their ideas. He just tells it as it is.

Hello Stevie. I think religion and spirituality can be linked although perhaps some Christians would frown upon that thought. I consider myself a Christian but am certainly swayed towards spirituality. I have read a couple of books by Gordon Smith - he’s a spiritualist or medium. Another very good book is Proof of Heaven by Eban Alexander - this one might appeal to YorkshireLad too as the author is a neurosurgeon. I think Stevie, that Robina is perhaps better placed with recommendation than I - she seems to be more knowledgeable about such things. Great that you’re showing interest. Xx

Hi
I have also read Proof of heaven on Kate,s recommendation and found it very good.
It has got me thinking differently as I was always sceptical but now I’m open to anything.
William

Hello William. I think the fact that it’s written by a neurosurgeon, so therefore a scientist, is encouraging.

Thank you William

Hi Kate
I agree when someone from a science background and who only believed what he could prove to be fact can change his mind he has got me thinking a little differently.
Thanks for the book I did enjoy it. I read a lot more now than I ever had done mostly about grief and how to cope but have also started to read about spirituality and afterlife. Robina,s posts have also been very helpful.
Take care William

Hi
I am So sorry for your loss.
It’s so recent and your pain is very raw and nothing I say will ease any of your pain.
My wife died on 2nd July aged 51 from bowel cancer three weeks after diagnosis and I can remember it as if it was yesterday. I won’t lie it hasn’t got any easier for me and don’t know if it ever will. I have no idea how I’ve reached 7 months but I just survive a day at a time at the beginning it was one hour at a time. Please keep talking on here it will help and somebody will always reply. Grab as much support as you can and please take care.
William

Thanks again William. I don’t know how I’ve survived a week to be honest. I’m so sorry for you too. You’re right it’s an hour at a time for me right now, in fact today was probably nearer 30 mins. Oh my…

I think I may give neurosurgeons a miss for a while as I’ve talked to a few over the past four years either before of after my wife had bits of her brain removed. They were all amazing people and I was really grateful for their skills. I will put the book on my list for a future read.

Yes I’m sure you’ve heard and seen enough of that topic for a while.

I got up this morning crying but, I shoved on some clothes and got up. I looked around the house and thought I should do some of this housework. At least some of it. I mopped the floors and now I’m sat here sobbing wondering how on earth im going to get through this. I wonder if this is the straw that broke the camels back for me. Strength I’ve always found throughout my life before during difficult times feels as if it’s all gone. Much of that strength was given to me by my husband. Just knowing he was there and had my back was always enough without him particularly doing anything.

I know people will say it’s such early days and I realise that myself but, we know our own minds and bodies don’t we and I’ve no idea how I’m going to live without him. I’m not sure at all that I can.

Thank you for listening.

Dear Collette, you can survive and you will…

‘You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.’

You started the day off well, keep on keeping busy - distraction is helpful but crying is ok too. Maybe start that journal today, talk to your husband. I wish I could tell you that this grief thing is a doddle but I can’t. It’s the hardest thing in the world and I can’t even tell you it gets easier because that’s not right either. Grief is forever. What I can tell you is that we do get better at it. I can smile again, laugh and even sing again. It’s taken a long time for me to sing again though. I used to sing all the time to the point of driving my husband mad. I can now smile at that memory.

Books too have been a massive help to me. There is a thread going, under the General Chat category, which recommends certain books. I’ve read books on grief and spirituality.

But know this Collette, you are not alone. We on this forum are all travelling this same journey.
Sending you a big hug xx

You’re so kind Kate. Thank you x

I have to tell you all this; I’ll try to be brief. Several years ago I lost my wedding ring, it had become too big. I wore my eternity ring only. I ‘misplaced’ that some time later. Although we were always pretty sure it was in the house somewhere, after much searching, on and off, and never finding it we eventually wondered if it was actually lost out of the house.

Today I have been speaking to people at the church whilst arranging the funeral for my amazing husband. Some of the information I gave i.e. where was he born, I later questioned. Tonight I thought I’ll just check his birth certificate and make sure he really was born where I said and I haven’t dreamt it (he was)! Whilst getting out the birth certificate I came across a shoe box and when I opened it there was my eternity ring smiling at me. Safe to say I’m the happiest I’ve been all week.

I wanted to share my smile with all of you x

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